Salah Ke Tiada Lesen?

Salah ke kalau tak ada lesen?

For someone whose age is 21 years old, a girl who currently furthering her degree in one of the local universities in Malaysia, is it surprising enough to not have a motor or car license?
The thing is, I’ve been wanting to take one since I was 17. I worked my ass off throughout my teens, gaining all sort of money by working and doing small businesses (halal-gained money don’t worry). Being the only daughter in the family does not stop me from neglecting my responsibility in helping my parents in financial stuff. I have an older brother. An useless one. He left his own family, building his own. Breaking his own family & not to forget; leaving all the burden to me as the second oldest. Never have I thought there will be conflict in my own family. I was happy, we were happy. But all the happiness turned into ashes after Ayah quit his job. It gets worse when his co-workers & company betrayed him. Mama couldn’t work since I have another 4 younger brothers to be taken care of.

From the age of 17 until 21, I will ALWAYS put aside a few of my wage to collect enough money to register for the class. But I failed. There will always be obstacles. The car broke down, it needs to get repaired. Utilities had been cut, the bills need to be paid. The groceries need to get stocked. All my younger siblings are still in school & certain things for them require money. Therefore, I couldn’t be selfish and focus on keeping the money to get a license while watching & hearing both of my parents bicker.

From an urban area, my whole family moved to a rural area. My parents’ kampung to be exact. Its been a year. And once again, I work here and there. Until recently, I got the chance to further my study (back to the urban area I lived before). I’ve never complain about having to spend my salary to anything regarding the family matter. I don’t want them to argue again just because of financial issues hence I helped out as much as I can. But now that I’m not working anymore, they’re fighting again.

And I have to survive with PTPTN over there in terms of non-campus monthly rental, books, tools, living expenses & etc. There’s no gap for me to work part time due to the course I’m taking and I never ask for money since I know it might burden them more.

Throughout this 4 years, I’ve been hearing the same thing from various people. In every level of so-called hierarchy they stand.

“tak ambil lesen lagi? Sampai bila?”
“laaaa, tak reti bawa kereta ke?”
“habistu ayah je ke yang boleh drive?”
“ada masa ni pergi lah ambil lesen”
“cepat sikit ambil lesen tu”
“kenapa tak belajar bawa kereta?

I can never say I couldn’t afford one. Because I’ll get myself scolded by my parents later on. They rather say I don’t have the time. I told these people once ; “tak ada rezeki lagi nak ambil lesen” and yes I was interrogated by Mama & Ayah on why I voiced out the wrong answer. The fact thatbI shouldnt reveal the truth. Was it the pride, that they don’t want people to look down or idk I can never tell.

Ayah’s car looks luxurious but the interior side of the car? The real condition of the car? Trust me, only Ayah can handle it. He has been using the car for 15 years . Thus he figured it’ll be troublesome to teach me drive using his car.

I didn’t care before. I would just shrug their words off me. But it seems like its been too frequent for the people around me (strangers, relatives, friends) to force & ask me regarding this matter. And I am disturbed, sad, frustrated, upset and many more. At this rate, its getting to the point where I cried, leading to migraine and ended up at the clinic, then I got sick because the doctor said I’m actually in a stress mode.

Furthermore, I’m 95% surrounded by those who can drive, who have their license thanks to their parents. Well, that’s your part of blessing. And I have my own part of blessing too.

Nonetheless, I’m still a teenager. I’m still a girl. Have I lost the right to stop being strong and feel tired from all that is happening? Bukan mental koyak, tapi tak nak terdetiknya rasa cemburu iri hati.

People, please. You don’t have the right to force anything upon others, saying whatever you like without considering their situation in the first place. End your curiosity with the full stop answer given without digging in to where they’re not comfortable to elaborate their answer more than it should be.

Just because you have everything, that doesn’t mean others can get them easily.

I’ve been told I don’t look penniless, I dress decently and my pocket does not resemble the Sahara desert. I’ve learned a lot during the days of adversity to hide as much as I can but then why would my external side has to scream my current situation?

Bukan tak ada effort. Tak ada rezeki.
Doakan aku berjaya dunia akhirat pun dah cukup.
To those who read this till the end, may your days be filled with blessing & happiness for eternity. Ameen.

– Patung Makmal

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