Hello. I nak cerita. I dah kawen more than 5 years and dah ada kids. Before kawen, my husband memang playboy. I pernah left him. Tapi dia cari I balik and mintak I stay, dia janji nak berubah.
Long story short, I can see his efforts to change and few years later, we got married (I did istikharah many times) and try to start new.
Tapi of course the trust can’t be 100%. I keep remind him to be honest to me since now I’m his wife. Memang betul dia jujur, cerita semua benda and soc med dia clean. Until he got new job last year and transfer to a new company.
Last few weeks, I caught him sexting with his single female colleague. I was so furious and we had a big fight. I curse him all out. He said it was not mean to be serious. It just a joke between friends. Just imagine your husband talk dirty with another girl.
Mula-mula memang laa jokes, lama-lama terjatuh hati siapa tahu. Masa tu nak cakap apa lagi dah? And you are wrong at the first place to text female friend tanpa sebab penting.
Before tu pon dah kantoi text with same girl (sembang kosong), sampai dah gaduh tapi I slide it off fikir malas nak gaduh. Tapi itu pon dah salah, text perempuan lain tanpa urusan penting. Ini lagi sampai dirty talk. Sakit hati, frustration tu Allah je yang tahu.
And he blame me (i suka membebel, susah nak cakap lembut dgn suami) alasan dia pergi text perempuan lain. Padahal, I never refuse him secara batin unless i betul2 tak sihat or penat.
Kalau tak fikir anak2, hari tu jugak I pergi mahkamah. After the big fight, we didnt talk for weeks, but pretend to be normal in front of our kids and family. Not a single sorry from him till now. Padahal semua kelemahan dia as suami I hadap je semua. Selama ni I sakit hati jugak.
Everyday I yang settlekan anak2 and dia malam2 layan PS5. Dia ada satu group game bola PS5 (P…M…..) konon tiap2 bulan ada liga amende entah so everynight kena practice konon. Bila I raise up issue dia main game every night, dia cakap “bersyukur la saya just main PS5, bukan main perempuan”.
Then, how about now??? I dah lama tidur sendiri malam2 dengan anak2 sebab dia tertidur kat ruang tamu. Masuk bilik bila dia nak tu je.
Nafkah batin bukan pasal seks semata. Perasaan isteri pon dikira nafkah batin.
Group game bola PS5 dia tu pon ramai yang gila porn padahal semua bapak and suami orang. Siap masing2 share porn link dalam group telegram. And my husband pon pernah kantoi create fake ig and twitter just because nak tengok porn and nude. This is not normal for me.
You dah jadi husband and a father. Cari circle of friends yang elok2. Kalau bujang tu lantak lah. You patut makin elok and berubah jadi lagi baik. I pon bukan lah isteri and wife yang baik, tapi kita sepatutnya berubah ke arah yang lagi baik, bukan sebaliknya.
Bila kita tegur about tengok porn, dia salahkan i balik cakap I yang tak layan dia hari2 sebab tu dia tengok porn. Kalau lah dia tahu yang tenaga batin dia pon tak seberapa. I selalu pretend puas padahal tak pon. Demi nak jaga ego dia. Tapi i tak cakap, i diam je.
Layan je dia sebab mana boleh reject suami kan. Kalau nak list kekurangan dia as husband banyak lagi. Bab nafkah zahir, part mendidik anak and many more. Tapi takde pon i nak gi cari jantan lain sebab kekurangan dia.
Terima semua kekurangan and kelebihan sebab I dah pilih dia as suami.
Tak pernah terfikir pon nak text lebih2 dengan male colleague kecuali pasal kerja. I rasa dah fed up, I rasa nak give up. What’s the point of marriage kalau trust pon dah takde tapi anak2 I tak berhak dapat broken family.
Mana ada isteri bila dah kawen nak jadi derhaka, mana ada isteri suka membebel, penat tahu membebel. Tapi semua punca dari suami.
Sepatutnya suami tu boleh menjadi ladang pahala untuk isteri, tapi kat mana nak tuai pahalanya kalau suami jenis macam ni? Maybe I’m the one yang salah, salah pilih suami, takde jaminan yang dia takkan repeat benda ni in future.
Trust pon dah takde. Every day I am anxious and overthinking. I penat. Once a player and porn addict, forever will be. But for the sake of my kids, I will stay. Cuma macam mana I nak secure myself if nanti dia curang, I have nothing to lose?
– Anggerik (Bukan nama sebenar)
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