Thank you if this writing is about to publish.
Im no good in writing, what else in english but this time let me do this.
Oh, i also dont know where this writing will flow to, lets just make it happen alright.
When i was little, life is always easy for me. My study was good. My friends was okay. My family looks great. I have a loving father. A proud mother. A caring brother and an understanding sister. I have nothing to complaint.
When i grew up, i started living away from home (notice my study is good). I study in well known secondary school. I still have nothing to complain other than i hate my high school and how i wanted to live at home with my family. I get sick quite frequent just so i can go home. I dont know if i miss home or whatever. I just knew home is better than school. My friends were all good but the teachers were mean and the rules suck. I still hate the school though. But my mom never consider taken me out from there. So i just continue my life as a child living away from home. Its hard at first but i started to manage it. What else can i do? What choice do i have? I wrote a diary but my proud mom still proud with the school im in. She didnt know she lose me 10 years later because of this.
At school, i learn how to be expressive. I never did that at home. I dont have anyone to listen to me which i didnt know before. I started to feel comfortable with friends. And my mom didnt realize this. Starting from calling everyday, i ended up not calling her at all. And she never ask me to do so. I dont know whether its important or no back then. I started to not miss home. I grew apart from my family. Where are they at this point of my life? They keep scolding me. Asking me to stop putting my friend first. Forcing me to put family first. But where are they in my life? I become quiet. I have nothing to share because no one bother to listen. Everyone is busy with their life. They forgot their little sister.
When im in university, i just knew my friend is always important for me. They no blood relation with me, yet they are there when no one care. I always love my friends more than my family. You can blame me. But i still dont know what family for when i cant find their role other than punish me when im a bad kids. Thats all that i can remember. I live with grudge. I hate their punishment when they give me no physical affection. Thats true if you say they gave me a smooth life. I got no problem with money. But money is not the only thing that keep your child survive and go back home. They need love. In university i slowly learn from my friend because they always go family first and my mom always complaint how she is now old and need love from us. She always said she miss me. I used to be a very manja kid. And now she realize she dont know me anymore. She tried to talk to me but i dont feel comfortable talking with my mom. Its like i HAVE to talk. Not that i WANT to talk with her. Its awkward and i always blame her that i feel like this now. Hostel is a home for me. And the place i once called home is just a house where my family get together anually. Nothing exciting about it.
Is it a sin to have this kind of feeling? I always tell myself when i have kids in future i wanted to talk to them everyday. Tell them i miss them when they away from home. Im afraid my kids will turned out like me. I dont want them to feel no home when their friends get exciting everytime they wanted to go home. Its a sad and empty feeling.
*dont ask me where my sister brother father or whatever when i only mention my mom here. They are all too busy. Cuma mami je yg baru perasan dia tk kenal anak dia dah.
– Miss nm
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