Asalammualaikum semua,
Sekiranya admin menyiarkan luahan saya ini, terima kasih sangat-sangat. Saya Lisa, seorang muallaf berumur 19 tahun dan sekarang tengah belajar di sebuah IPTA di Terengganu. Saya minta maaf sangat-sangat kalau cerita saya ini kelam kabut sebab saya terlalu serabut, depressed.
Saya merupakan anak tunggal, keluarga saya broken. Academically, I’m struggling extremely hard – whatever projects I’m working on are failing me. All projects are way behind schedule, WAY BEHIND. My peers semua dah siap dah banyak projects.
Saya tengah serabut sangat sebab kalau saya tak dapat siapkan semua assignment and field work pada masanya, saya akan kena bar daripada ambil the final examination ( = repeat terus year). It becomes worse when kelas ganti semakin bertambah sebab I know I’ll have way less time to complete my requirements. Grades pun tak ada apa nak dibanggakan, If I tell my mother, I tend to get shots of discouraging words in the end jadi saya banyak diam dalam banyak hal sebab nak elak depression. Being an introvert, I keep problems to myself as best as I can and spend time alone most of the time.
That’s one story. Sekarang umur dah 19, but my parents have been fighting A LOT since my childhood. Bila baik, baiklah. Bila datang angin tak elok, memang kuat rumah tu bunyi orang tengah tengking-tengking, jerit. And although I’m already 19, my reactions when they fight still don’t change. Gigil, menangis sendiri sebab I’ve no siblings for physical support. Mungkin ada yang fikir, “Alahai, normal lah mak ayah gaduh. Lek lah”.
No, you can’t say that. How’d you feel when your father shouts at your mother, and your mother also does the same? 3 days at least for them to keep quiet. With my father asyik nak lafaz cerai, countless of times already. And when my mother is not in a good mood unpredictably, ha datanglah gaduh lagi. Idk mungkin my problem macam kecil, but maybe because saya je anak yang ada. Saya tak tahu nak lari kat siapa, nak cerita dekat kawan-kawan takut sebab taknak aibkan keluarga.
Tambah lagi dengan duit yang tak kekurangan, lagi stressed but maybe it’s a good thing for me juga sebab that’s one reason why I have to study hard and perform. Ada yang cakap ada yang letak guna-guna dekat ayah sebab this is not him, dulu ayah tak macamni. Tak sebaran ni, tak pernah tengking. Sekarang, it has become too common. Rumah dekat je, tapi saya memang selalu taknak balik sebab I know I’ll be in my room crying all alone waiting for them to calm down. Sampai saya dah fikir lebih baik cerai tapi saya tahu Islam tak pernah ajar begitu unless bila memang perlu.
I’d never stop praying to Him to guide my family and I, i won’t. He’s the only One who Knows how I feel, who Hears. I just wanna know, what should I do? How can I survive this? Pasal mak ayah I know I can’t control but please, please let me know – what should I do to survive? How?
Please, I just want to stop my depression. It’s killing me.
– Lisa Hashim
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit