Assalamualaikum. Saya tergerak hati untuk menulis confession ini selepas banyak kali sangat saya baca kes pedophile. Ada banyak kesan kepada budak2 yang menjadi mangsa pedophile ni. Saya salah seorang daripada mangsa pedophile yang tak pernah report, family saya tak tahu apa yang saya alami, tak ada sesiapa pon tahu kecuali beberapa teman rapat saya. I belive that a lot more children out there had experienced this pedophile. Nama saya Asri, berumur 29 tahun sudah berkahwin 2 tahun dan belum ada rezeki utk menjadi seorang bapa.
1999
I was 11 y/o, Im no 9 from 10 siblings. We often slept on TOTO in living room and usually I sleep with my sisters as Im more clost to them rather than my brothers. My brothers are far more older than I am, seorang 17 tahun, seorang lagi 23 tahun. Saya nama kan abang saya yg umur 23 tahun tu sebagai abang D. Satu malam tu, abang D dtg sebelah saya masa saya tidur, dia tarik seluar saya dan dia masukkan kemaluan dia kedalam dubur saya. Saya memang sedar dan rasa sakit sangat. Tapi masa tu saya sangat2 takut. Apa budak umur 11 tahun tahu masa tu? Diam. Saya diam, selepas itu abang saya bagi amaran jangan bagi tahu sesiapa pon, nanti dia pukul saya. Oh ya, abang saya ni boleh dikatakan agak gangster yer. Seminggu selepas itu, dia datang lagi dan cuba utk buka seluar saya. Tapi entah dari mana datang nya kekuatan, saya tarik balik seluar saya. Dia pon berlalu pergi, tiada lagi percubaan lain yang dia cuba. Tak lama selepas itu, dia pon kahwin.
2005
Masa ini saya berumur 16 tahun. Saya tinggal di asrama sekolah kerana sekolah dan rumah agak jauh. Saya perlu menukar 3 bas dari rumah utk ke sekolah. Oh ya, saya ni invisible dekat rumah, hanya mak saja yang ambil tahu pasal saya. Pernah sekali hujan lebat, mak mintak arwah ayah hantar saya blk asrama. Tapi arwah ayah tak nak, suruh saya balik sendiri. Saya dah terlalu biasa sangat, saya jalan kaki pergi tunggu bas dalam hujan. Mak menghantar saya pergi dengan air mata. Saya kurang mendapat perhatian arwah ayah. Sedara mara saya yang lain semua arwah ayah beri perhatian kecuali saya. ( panjang sangat kalau nk cerita pasal arwah ayah, kalau saya rajin nanti saya tulis pasal arwah ayah pulak. ) Di sekolah, ada seorang ustaz ni baik sangat dengan saya. Elok sangat kan, kurang kasih sayang ayah, ada pulak orang caring ni. Ustaz ni juga warden asrama, pelajar hanya boleh keluar balik rumah 3 minggu sekali. Tapi, ustaz ni selalu bawak saya keluar jalan2 dekat luar. Saya pon seronok lah dapat special treatment kan.
Hujung persekolahan 2004, ada kejadian hysteria di Asrama perempuan, ustaz ni lah yang akan cuba merawat semua budak perempuan yang hysteria. Satu malam tu, dia dtg jumpa saya, dia cakap dia penat, ajak saya teman dia kt rumah sebab isteri dia cuti bersalin dikampung. Budak umur 16 tahun yang naïf ni pon ikut lah teman dia. Rumah warden ni attached dengan asrama, untuk ke rumah dia, saya hanya perlu naik tangga tingkat 4 sahaja. Malam tu, dia keluarkan 2 tilam bujang dan letak di ruang tamu. Saya tidur satu tilam dia tidur satu tilam. Tengah saya sedap tidur, saya rasa seluar saya dibuka. Saya takut sangat masa tu. Dia memengang kemaluan saya, dia cuba lancapkan saya. Saya terus buat2 tidur sebab sangat takut masa tu. Selepas itu, dia pegang tangan saya dan letakkan di kemaluan dia. Saya masih tidak member respon. Ya Allah, masa tu saya sangat takut. Kemudian dia menindih badan saya dan dia mencium mulut saya. Saya pejam mata kuat2 masa tu kerana saya sangat takut. Kemudian dia terus melakukan perbagai lagi cara. Agak lama jugak, saya tak tahu berapa lama tapi saya dapat rasakan sangat lama. Setelah selesai aktiviti pedophile dia, dia pon tidur, saya semalaman tidak berani tidur, saya sangat takut. Pukul 5pagi saya bangun dan saya bagitahu dia yang saya nk balik bilik saya. Cepat2 saya keluar. Keesokannya, agak petang sedikit dia datang jumpa saya di asrama, dia tarik saya jauh sedikit dari kawan2 yang lain. Dia mintak maaf, dia ckp dia tahu saya sedar masa tu. Dia mintak maaf sebab tidak dapat kawal diri dia sebab katanya saya sangat comel. Saya diam dan saya berlalu pergi.
Beberapa minggu selepas itu, kawan baik saya suruh saya tanya ustaz itu untuk kerumah dia untuk menontok tv ( Musik-musik akhir kot masa tu). Sebab masa tu, TV di asrama hanya boleh ditonton sehingga pukul 10.30mlm ( yer kot, saya kurang ingat sebab apa kawan2 saya suruh saya mintak izin pergi menonton TV di rumah ustaz). Kemudian Ustaz jawab, boleh kalau mahu menonton dirumah nya. Tapi Asri perlu ada bersama. Saya tidak mahu, tapi kawan2 saya mendesak dan saya fikir, tak apa lah lepas menonton TV saya boleh balik ke bilik. Kami pon pergi menonton di rumah ustaz, dan rancangan itu habis pukul 12 tengah malam. Kemudian Ustaz minta kami tidur dirumahnya kerana sudah lewat. Saya tidak mahu, I’ve told him that bilik asrama hanya dibawah dan tidak jauh untuk kami balik. My stupid friends mendesak saya untuk tidur jugak disitu. Ok, fine, I can sleep there as my friends are all there too. What the heck can possibly happen to me kan. So, I sleep on the sofa, my two friends sleep on the matters in between me and the ustaz. Entah pukul berapa, saya tersedar, that freaking fucking crazy pedophile ustaz had pull me off the sofa on top of him. I don’t know when and what he does, suddenly he is next to the sofa, not my stupid friends anymore. Then He do all those censored things he love to do to me and that 16 years old boy as usual freeze himself and pretend to sleep and that what I know to do in that situation.
Keesokan hari nya dia datang dan mintak maaf lagi. Once again I walk away. And school break begins. You know what, he even call me when I’m at home asking question like boyfriend asked his girlfriend. 2005 begin, it’s my SPM year. That ustaz teach me Pendidikan Islam again. You know what I do in his class? Never once I attend his class and I know He will not report it to anyone as his secret might get loose. Due to that I only got 4B in my SPM for Pendidikan Islam. For someone that never attends the class, I am Very Proud of myself. Oh Yes, one of my classmate (I called him K) realize that I had distance myself from the ustaz and he keep on pushing me and pushing me, lastly I told him what had happen and ever since that day he become my best friend till now. While I’m in my foundation studies to proceed with my degree, K called me and told me that the pedophile Ustaz got caught in and empty warden house and a student giving him a oral sex. You know what the school did? They transfer him to another school and the keep it a secret. My juniors is the one that tipped the other teachers and the others teachers did not believe them, and then they force the teachers to follow them to the empty warden house and tadaaa… He got caught but not punished for it.
2008
Im 19 at the time, it was a semester break in my Uni and Raya break too. I met my childhood friends and we go for a bike ride and we stop at children playground nearby Stadium as it is bright and nobody there to catch up since it been years we haven’t met. Then this atuk came near us, my friends taught that he is a police as he have the police appearance and there a signboard that said adult can’t use the playground (we were sitting on the swings). He said that He is not a police and my friend keep talking to him and treat him like and elderly. You know that we Malays always been taught to respect the elderly. Suddenly he was beside me touching my shoulders and rubs my hair. I feel uncomfortable and I gave a wink to my friends as a sign of (let get out of here) then, my friend told him that we want to go now and we both stand up from that swing and he told my friend that you can go and leave your friend here ( He want to be alone with me ) and hug me from behind. That time I had freeze again, maybe through time, I think it is the best mechanism to freeze yourself upon danger (stupid young me). However, my friend come towards us, grab my hand and walk away.
2012 / 2014
I finished my degree and I started working. I had an Indian Manager who clearly said to me that He like me and he want me to be His Boyfriend. I ignore him, He had try to hug me several time, but this time I’m older enough to defend myself but I do not know that time I can report him. However I quit my Job in 2013 and work in a different industry. This time around I also got an Indian manager that look and me with a different look (my colleges told me that and everyone noticed it.) I distance myself from him, talk less and if he want to start talk about personal matters I walk away. Due to that, He hand extent my confirmation to 1 year. It’s okay as long as I’m not involving that matter. I’m not going to sell of my body for a career. Owh, he had once borrowed my PPE’S and never return it back to me at all. My friends keep on joking about it and said that he had frame all of it as it is my property.
2016 / 2017
I got married with my beautiful wife in 2016 and we were in a LDR, it is a good marriage until 2017 when I meet this one insurance agent ( I called it L). Ever since those incident that happen to me, to be honest I had built a feeling toward guys. I know it’s wrong and I keep on fighting for it and when I met the insurance agent, I like him very much. At the time I never a good Muslim as I never pray. L is a saudara baru ( he is a chindian), converting from christianity to Islam. While I’m with him, the most we did just hold hand in cars (not all those things had been done to me when I was a kid). L also a pedophile victims so we connected so much. He never missed his pray and I was ashamed as I was born Muslim and I never practice it. So I learn back Islam as it is. I started praying and practicing Islam as it is. I’m a long way to be a good Muslim but I keep on learn about Islam every day.
Then my wife got transfer to KL from Sarawak (she a teacher) and we start to live together. I and L decide to break off as we felt that this is wrong. We don’t want to go against Allah and we afraid that Rasulullah won’t admit us as his Ummah. However, my wife finds out and definitely she cried and cried. She told my mom, and my mom also cried. I’m sinned, I do not know how to rebuild back everything as it all crumble and messed up. I turn to Allah, and then my wife had given me a second chance. I promise her that I will change. And a change needs time. And yes there a hick up here and there towards the changes and I’m still fighting for it. My wife and my family is my strongest support throughout this journey. Definitely Allah love me so much, that is why He keep on reminding me along my journey.
After my wife find out that I had cheated on her, I had lost my precious career till now, my career was so good and on a right track and it turn upside down. (to all the husband out there, never ever hurt your wife in anyways, you will get punished and even you were punished, she will be the one that still hold on to you. Love your wife, protect them.)
Next year (2019), I’ll be starting a new career and it is an industry that I really love and excited for. I’ve learn my lesson and will keep on loving my wife for the rest of my life. She is everything for me and now I know that she is all I needed in my life. If Allah willing, and gift us an offspring, I would protect them and will never ever let anything happen to them as what I had gone through. And definitely no Asrama for my kids (if I got any).
I had told you my untold story. Please please if you have kids, please talk to your kids more often gain their trust and teach them that if anyone touch them in a certain places which is wrong. As kids do not know that it is wrong. It is never too early to teach them this. I’m a pedophile victim and I still battling my sexuality. I hope, none of youngster out there had to face what had I faced before.
P/s : Maaf, tiba2 tukar dari bahasa melayu ke English.
P/s : Saya guna nama sebenar. So that my wife know that I’m truly love Her.
– Asri
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit