Assalamualaikum semua. Sukar sebenarnya aku nak share apa yang aku lalui, tapi aku rasa ada kebaikannya kalau aku share, hopefully some will learn few lessons from my story as I’m really learning from what had happened to me. As mentioned in the title, yes I’m a doctor. Medical officer. Dah lalui housemanship dgn jayanya juga cemerlang. I did quite okay during housemanship. Few specialists even suggested to me to proceed to become specialist in their field for what they see in me probably.
I did okay, sampailah aku ditempatkan di satu tempat yang baru dan mengalami peralihan dari houseman ke medical officer. The department that I was placed into is one of the busiest department in they hospital. Initially I was in denial because I have my own dreams that I want to go after and being in this department obviously isn’t one but being a person who like to challenge myself so I just go with it, doing my best without knowing what could happen next. Two months passed by.
It makes me very weary especially after a very busy oncall. Imagine not being able to sleep almost 24 hours and still need to think and settle other patients on the next day. Sometimes I got lucky to sleep for 2 hours, sometimes 30mins. Oncall is physically and mentally tough because I’ve got to settle patients in wards and also in emergency department when there are referrals, and there is no HO here. Basically I was walking, running, standing straight for more than 24hours without much rest in between. On top of that, need to think well, need to settle what my friend called as nonsense referrals but I truly never consider any referral as nonsense because one doctor wouldn’t just refer if they think they don’t need it and etc. Basically just imagine you doing exercises straight for more than 24hours without much rest. Pancit, kan?
Slowly without I much realizing it, I fell into a hole I call it depression. Feeling like living like a zombie; I go to work, doing them, and return home just to sleep. Slowly I forgot what happiness is like. I watch movies but I no longer feel the same excitement. Sometimes I couldn’t even finish it. I used to like going to malls just to shop a bit but I no longer enjoy observing all those items and buying them. I like to travel but I no longer feel the happiness it used to be. My cute 1 year old baby no longer seem to look cute and I wondered why he look uglier day by day. I wonder why I no longer enjoy the beautiful scenery from level 15 of my condo that I live in. I wonder why I no longer enjoy updating my social media pages and they’ve been silent for so long.
And then I had very bad oncalls especially on the last 2 oncalls. Many referrals and new cases. Very ill patients. And few deaths. I worked straight for more than 24 hours without any sleep. I only had meal at 10pm and able to go to toilet at 1030pm. The next day I felt so numb. Also I became physically sick, down with infection and fever. Mentally I felt exhausted. I felt like a truly failure because I couldn’t save them. I felt like a failure for telling their families that their mom are dead. I did my best to help them, but they died. Honestly being in my field, death is very common but I don’t know what happened to me that particular night, it just felt so real. Probably this depression that I failed to recognize it’s early sign has taken it’s toll on me.
Few days afterwards was so dark to me. I forgot eating. I just cried. I felt there is no way out; out of that department so I think I better die. Mind you it’s not that I don’t believe in Allah and hereafter, but it was so so depressing and dark that I think the only way out is die. I hate to admit what I think and feel at that moment, but at that point of time it was so intense I thought of suicide by many methods. At that point of time, I think Allah will forgive me if I choose suicide because He knows how intense and dark I feel at that point of time, but do forgive me ya Allah for having such thoughts. I even thought that one fine day my baby would understand why I do that and my kind husband easily will find a better replacement of me. Terfikir untuk terjun dari bangunan, but I couldnt do it because I dont want my body to be shattered in pieces. I thought of a proper plan to die beautifully on bed, of course I know how to because I’m a doctor but I failed to get the meds. Then the following day I met my psychiatrist.
I was diagnosed with major depression disorder, and was started on medication. I was given long MCs too. So I was away from work, but saying that isn’t as easy as it sounds because it caused such chaos for the schedule and my colleague had to replace my many oncalls left for that months. I am a person who never wanted to create trouble especially at work but things happened and it scarred me still. Anyway the next few days, I started to feel like the sun is shining again. I looked at my baby and realized he was cute as ever. I looked at my husband and realize that he is the same handsome kind man I met many years ago. I no longer wanting to die. I want to live but I just don’t know how. Only then my fighting spirit kicked in. I have always been known as a fighter and an optimist by my friends, surely being depressed is somewhat not expected from me. But I keep fighting to find a way to live and to start over.
Oh yeah, during those depressive events, I have so many questions to Allah. Why does He has to test me in such a way? Aku jaga rekod baik aku selama ni. Aku work well. I know I’ve been liked by my superior because I always work well and did my best. During the very last oncalls, I realize I’ve started to become more Jonah (what I mean by Jonah is murah rezeki dgn banyaknya pesakit, very ill patients need to be resuscitated, referral bertalu2 etc) so aku banyakkan berdoa pada Allah, amalkan balik Mathurat yg dah lama aku tinggal; pagi dan petang. Aku harap Allah tolong aku; tolong aku tinggalkan department ni dan supaya cita2 aku di department lain tercapai. Kerja macam aku ni memang terlampau sibuk sampaikan adakala kena qadha solat tapi aku cuba sedaya upaya solat on time walaupun sibuk macam mana. Then these things happened. At that time, really I asked Him- kenapa ya Allah? KENAPA? Kenapa Kau tak keluarkan aku dengan cara baik? Sedangkan selama ni aku jaga pesakit aku. Aku jaga reputasi aku. Kenapa sampai aku depresi?
I prayed hard and at times I felt like giving up at Him and stop praying for a while. Then I realized that no one would help me but Him. So I keep on praying. I keep hoping something good will come out of this, despite this is not how I want things to be, and I dont want Him to answer to my prayers this way. Absolutely not. But I have no choice. I have to accept and redha. Now I realize that redha is really a big word. Not easy as it sounds. How can it be easy to be grateful to Allah for having depression? Sounds like thank you for making me sad. But I keep hoping that it will be good, and keep praying, and keep fighting to find way out. Over the next few weeks, I start to find somewhere else to work. I start to find ways for me to pursue my study in other department so that I could be out of that department. I took entrance exam to pursue study in a department that I’m feeling neutral at it, and weeks later was happy to know that I passed the exam and will be interviewed in few weeks to come. I also applied for the field that I’m really interested in but I haven’t got any reply for it. Also applied to work at another hospital so that I could have new environment and start new, and was told most probably will got it but offer letter will only be released in few weeks to come.
To be away from work and social medias and staying at home for quite some time give me some time to re think about me and my life. This is not over yet, the journey hasn’t yet end, I’m still on meds but I’ve got of tons of lessons learned.
First is to be redha dengan perancangan Allah. It’s true kita memang ada kemahuan. I am a person who always know what I want in life and what I want to do, but I forgot that Allah also knows what I’m best at. Initially I almost give up being a doctor, thinking of quitting from this job and honestly feeling a bit angry why Allah let me become one but then I realize that every single thing that happened on earth happened only because Allah allows it. Aku jadi doktor sebab Allah izinkan; bukannya semata-mata aku score SPM, aku pandai, dan dapat jawab semua soalan exam. Medical student and colleagues must know how hard medschool and professional exam be like. Sebab Allah izinkan aku jadi doktor, sedangkan usaha aku dan aku dpt lalui semua itu adalah asbabnya. Sebab Allah izinkan aku jadi doktor, maka Allah buka laluan untuk akhirnya aku berjaya menjadi doktor. Mesti ada kebaikan yg boleh aku beri bila Allah izinkan aku menjadi doktor. Bilamana aku terjatuh dalam lubang depresi ini, Allah juga yang jadikan. Mesti ada kebaikan daripadanya yang belum aku ketahui.
Keduanya, segala yang baik itu semuanya dari Allah. Itu antara benda yg aku lupa dan Allah ingatkan aku kembali. I like to help people, I always does. So being a doctor allows me to help the sick and I’m happy doing it. When a patient critically ill came to me and I successfuly make him survive the night, get him dialysed and stuff, make his heart beats again after a successful CPR, intubate him and afterwards see him being discharged well, honestly it makes me feel like a bit heroic. I want to laugh while writing this, but those times makes me feel like I’m somewhat like superman or batman, saving people. And I’m happy doing it. But saving people is not easy, because it involves life and life is precious.
When they are getting better, I feel like I’m taking the credit too much because all of those hardwork and sweats in order to save them that I forgot that Allah that actually allows them to heal. I’m just there, as an asbab. On my last oncall, those few deaths makes me feel like a failure for not being able to save them. But when I read Quran, in al Waqiah verse 87 Allah said: kamu tidak mengembalikan nyawa itu jika kamu orang benar? Then I realize all those CPR and adrenaline shots are just asbab. If they were back to life, Allahlah mengembalikan nyawanya. If not, Allah has decided that it is the end. Sebab aku tak mampu mengembalikan nyawa itu. Aku hanya hamba ya Allah.
Persoalan seterusnya, kalau sudah takdir dia untuk mati, kenapa perlu aku berusaha menyelamatkannya? Bukankah itu semua sia-sia? Tidak adil untuk aku berusaha pada benda yang sia sia. Membazir masa dan tenaga. Then I realize sebab itulah adanya pahala. Tiada satu pun usaha yang Allah sia-siakan. If he’s meant to die, your work to save him won’t go to waste. Buku pahalamu akan bertambah. Malah kalau dia sihat pun, pahalamu tetap akan bertambah.
This is not only applied to this situation. Kehidupan memang sebegini. Andai berniaga, berusaha keras tapi tidak berhasil, jangan putus asa kerana pahalanya tetap ada dan bukan segala usaha itu sia-sia. Bukankah pengakhiran syurga itu yg kita mahu? Pahala itulah antara asbab yang membawa kita ke syurga. Maka segala usaha itu tidak sia-sia.
Kita merancang, Allah menentukan. Honestly I want to become a psychiatrist; I’ve dreamed of it for so long. Tapi seolah-olah jalan kearah itu tidak terbuka walau puas aku berusaha mencari jalan tapi jalan lain pula yg Allah luaskan. I tend to fix on things when I want it to so much and I will get it by hook or by crook but now I’m learning to be redha dengan perancangan Allah. Allah knows the best part of me better than I do, and He will allows me the be the best of me and I believe ada kebaikan yg lebih baik utk aku dan semua when He does that. Greater good things ahead. Aku tengah belajar untuk redha dan baru aku sedar bahawa betapa besarnya maksud redha. I won’t give up on my dreams and keep praying for it but at the same time, I am open to changes if He decides that other things is best for me.
On top of that, I started to declutter my life and my things also. I was one of those people who caught up in the trend of social medias. I used not to care about brands before since I come from middle income family but now I have my own salary, I start to learn about branded items largely influenced by social medias, instagram and facebook per say. I’m not saying about items that cost thousands, I’m not that crazy but items that I never bought before but now I buy them just to feel what it feels to own the brand. For instance; I owned a piece of Bokkita scarf that cost me almost a hundred but only wore it once because it doesn’t suit my face and it has been in the drawer ever since. I felt like I buy the brand but not really use the item.
Now I sold it as preloved. Hence I make a new rule for myself; only buy and keep things that I really USE. And I sell and donate things that I no longer use or keep it for the sake of brand. It’s easier for me now because whenever I am tempted to buy something, I would ask mysef whether those things will be used for long or will it end as those items that I sell as preloved? If the answer is the latter, I won’t buy them. Easy. Before this I sometimes buy new clothes to be wear for a photo to be posted in socmed and rarely wear the same piece because I don’t want to end up wearing the same items on socmed but these days I no longer do so. If that shirt is so comfortable and I like wearing it so much, I dont mind having a thousand photo of me in different days, different places wearing the same shirt shown on socmed as long as the shirt is clean and washed. I really want to live simply.
These days I also focus on being happy. I used to be happy when I get more followers but these days I no longer care. I used to be happy when I see many likes my photo but I no longer care. All I care about is that if me posting that photo helps me to feel happy, I will post it. I no longer care whether they like it or not. Asalkan bukan aku post benda entah pape yang mendatangkan dosa.
This journey has not yet end. I am still on medication and probably will take a while for me to be totally out of depression. Just so you guys know, depression is curable and it can happen to anyone, including me who wants to be a psychiatrist but even failed to detect the early symptoms in me. I hope you guys can pray for me and I hope you guys can learn few lessons from my story. Doakan aku berjaya dunia akhirat, doakan aku cepat cepat dapat mulakan hidup baru, doakan Allah permudahkan urusan aku dan doakan aku berjaya menjadi pakar yg dapat membantu ramai orang nanti. And please anyone yang dapat agak aku siapa, please don’t tag me or my family. Jangan tag aku and keluarga aku dalam confession ni. Just please. Wassalam.
– AN
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit