Hi and assalammualaikum..
First of all I want to apologise that my writing will be in English. I basically copy pasted this story I wrote in an English forum. I am a bit too lazy to rewrite everything in Malay. I could but with the my current mental state, I just can’t and unable to do so.
I want to share with you my recent depression attack. From the outside, I look like any other normal girl. I still have my parents and siblings and I am married to the love of my life. The only thing is missing is my happy place which I have lost it 10 years ago. I can’t talk about it here now because I have decided to let go of it for good. What I am sharing now is to simply get people to ask for help before it gets too late.
2 days ago I realised my depression has worsened and I decided to get help for the first time after a long time. Previously I will shy away because depression and seeking help seems a taboo in my family. I believed the same but not until I heard suicidal thoughts about slitting my throat or wrist. It happens everytime I look at myself in the mirror. Never felt that way. Like people used say to me, why should I be depressed?
I am married, my parents are amazing to me, my siblings are the same and I have my own new house. Little did they realise I too, had a life before marriage. There were things that took place but I found no platform to share with. Even after marriage, I was doing fine for a while until I lost a baby and it has been a real struggle to get pregnant again.
I used to hid myself in a bathroom and cry. I used to scratch myself without leaving any obvious marks. I used to hurt myself by pulling my hair. I used to cry in my bed silently so that my husband can’t hear me. I was pushed deeper into depression but I was so good at disguising it. I didn’t want anyone to know it.
Being married does not take you out of depression no matter how amazing your or my husband can be. It is the mental state and trauma that’s been there for many years. The moment you realise the symptoms of depression you need to seek help right away. Don’t delay like I did.
Lucky for me, I still have a strong willpower at times. The things that stopped me from further hurting myself was my faith, no one or nothing else. Please note that this may not be the same for everyone. Each one of us has different ways to deal with this but for me it was my faith.
So yesterday for the time first time in a long time, I went to see a psychiatrist and he referred me to an emergency call in another hospital. Dr.Brandon was the name and I will never forget that name. I felt for the first time there is someone who understands me. I didn’t need to scream to get my message across or make someone understand why I was being that way.
On top of that, my husband was there by my side all along listening to me and the doctor. He was being supportive which at one point got me to think am I really being ungrateful by having this depression. You can see how confused and messed my feelings were.
My case was classified as major depressive disorder. Given 2 weeks medication in hoping there will be some changes and if there isn’t, I don’t know what to expect from the doctor. I decline the offer to get warded in as that will only make myself worse. Now I am on 2 weeks off so is my husband. We are planning for a holiday. Hopefully there will be improvement and I can finally have a stable mind state.
To the rest of you, please get help and to hell whatever your community or family says about depression. The one that is going through it, is the one that suffers but please don’t suffer alone. Go and get help. People care about us. They do.
To others please be kind to the sufferers and support them. Help them to get a professional help. Underneath the good looks or smiles, there is a dark story to be told and to be cured. Depression is real and seeking for help, helps.
– Bloody Rose
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit