Hai assalamualaikum. Aku ada baca confessor punya confession bertajuk introvert and depression, (https://iiumc.com/introvert-dan-depression-2/). Rasa macam baca pengalaman aku sendiri. Cumanya aku rasa aku lagi teruk.
Huhh, where do I even start.. Well I want to spill of everything but I can’t coz some people might recognize me. Aku memang seorang introvert. Well I was not, untill my (supposedly called best friend) betrayed me at such a young age of 7.
Masa tu I made lots of friends, be it kt kawasan perumahan or kat skolah. I was outgoing n comfortable in my own skin. Then our family moved out to a flat house. Yang mana orang2 sana jenis buat hal sendiri n tak banyak bergaul n not so many kids. I think that’s how I became introverted.
So I was an introvert since long ago. But it became worst during my uni time. I had 2 best friends, well 3, at 1st semester. 1 left the group with her other friends (she hurt me too but it was expected).
So there goes the 2. They all live nearby each other while I’m not. So they are all quite close. And I’m always left behind when they are doing activities. I didn’t even have any other friends, in a far away state. My housemates, we just did our own business.
My roommate? Pfftff! She left me all alone since the 1st time we were there, with her matriks friends. And all many other nights too. I tried to make friends with her sehari dua but eventually stop. Asyik aku je initiate conversation pastu aku malas.
Ada satu hari tu dia borak dgn housemate lain. Housemate tu cakap “roommate kau tu memang tak banyak cakap kan?” And she said “tu la tak kan nk kena LEMPANG baru nak cakap” Ngam2 masa dia cakap tu aku keluar bilik nak g tandas. She was even younger than me, that was rude! Dah la tak ikut etika ber roommate.
U know,, the usual problems. Sejak tu aku jadi makin diam n tak pernah bercakap dengan dia pun, even tido sebelah2. Sebenarnya aku ok je kalau dia nk initiate conversation n ajak borak n be friends with me tapi dia tak pernah pun buat macam tu. So dia diam, aku diam. And she expect me to talk to her first after all the things she has done lol.
Back to my 2 besties, when I’m with them, I can be comfortable in my own skin, I can talk to others and make new friends. I can speak for myself. They were my best friends, atleast that was how I thought of them. I even thought of them to be more than that, I considered them as family.
Untill one day we argued. Those 2 backed each other up and sort of like, attacking me. I felt so betrayed and hurt like hell. It was the 2nd semester. Everyone was like, made their own groups n gang that they can clicked in.
So I was all alone after the argument. Pergi kelas sorang2, makan sorang2, kena cari group untuk assignment (an open post in faculty group so agak memalukan), buat assignment dgn strangers etc2. I was crying in my heart every seconds.
Aku boleh rasa yang orang pandang aku pelik sebab masuk kelas sorang, makan kat kafe sorang. Even no one wanna sit right n left to me. It was horrible. I have another friend which is my roommate but she never did care about the people around her. She’s always in her own world she didn’t even realize I was depressed.
I tried to click with other group but it wasn’t all successful. Bayangkan hati kau hancur sebab kwn n you’re trying hard to make new friends but they rejected you. Kau boleh faham dari body language and riak muka diorang.
One of them even wanna avoid sitting next to me and said out loud, “eh tak nak la duduk sini nanti awkward”. We even had done one assignment together n I thought she’s a nice person which is why I sat next to her but she avoided me.
In my 5th sem, I’ve got a single room. This is when my depression started to get worst. Pegi sana sini sorg2, even dalam bilik pun sorg2. I cried everyday sometimes I don’t even know why I cried. Aku terperuk dalam bilik yang gelap n tak makan seharian.
I have suicidal thoughts everytime near a 3 storey window. “macam mana rasanya kalau aku terjun tingkap ni eh”. “macam mana rasanya kalau aku terjun jambatan ni and drowned in this water”. “So this is the view b4 he committed suicide here, I wonder what was in his mind”. Tapi aku tau aku banyak dosa n killing myself won’t end this pain. I just,,, continue living.
I tried to be close to a friend, but hati aku kata, tak payah la nak rapat sangat. Nnti kena betray lagi kan sakit. And the people that i want to be closed to pun macam tak nak rapat dengan aku.
In the end aku mintak maaf to the 2 friends and one of them did the same. The other who made the matter worst, didn’t. Well not directly. Aku try rapat balik tapi tak sama macam dulu. I might be smiling and all but the hurt is still inside. Rasa macam dah ludah jilat balik pun ada, but they’re the only ones that I can open up to, and be myself.
I know right, pathetic! It was a miracle that I even graduated. Yes I tried to join activities to mingle around but it’s like there’s an invisible border I created myself and can’t get through with. It’s frustrating!
Makin lama makin ok la aku ada beberapa kwn but semua tak rapat dengan aku n I’m always an outsider. Lama2 aku fikir, biasalah kwn dtg dan pergi. People use each other in the name of friendship. In the end of the day, it’s always about the individual kepentingan no matter how strong their friendship is.
I tried to adapt to the fact and moved on with my life. Not to mention how other people use me and how I’m always the plan B or 2nd choice in my life. Nobody is even faithful to me. Which is why I cried a river watching a dog movie that is so loyal to its owner till the end of time.
Now lepas grad pun aku tak cari keje lagi. Aku takut. Aku takut kalau aku duduk sorg aku depressed lagi. Aku takut aku tak boleh communicate well n click with other colleagues. Aku rasa self confidence aku yang paling low sekarang ni. And for some other big problems too. I even wouldn’t hire me if I am an employer.
Yes I know, I’m a weakling. Kawan2 lain pun semua dah move on with their lives. Busy dengan hidup masing2. And here I am, all alone again. Sekarang aku rasa kosong. Rasa takde tujuan hidup. Rasa lost. Rasa takde motivasi nak hidup. My life is so toxic right now. Mesti ramai yang akan kecam aku but please. I need motivation. I want to be me again. I want to be,, happy, again. Ain’t I deserved it?
Well my ignorant roommate said no to that question jokingly while I bitter smiled.
– Ariana (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit