Musim flu and batuk is back, Asiah demam. I had to take an unexpected leave. Sent Adi (my husband) to work, Asiah refused to cooperate. She refused to be seated in her carseat. She wanted to be hold.
She screamed at the top of her lung smpai she gagged. I took her out. Tepuk. Cuba letak balik in her carseat, she screamed again smpai muntah. Obviously not the normal Asiah.
The normal Asiah would simply bagi kerjasama climb into her carseat and chill. Sebab dia tau, kalau duduk dalam car seat dapat Peppa Pig. This time pasang Peppa pun taknak. Clogged nose. And non stop coughing. Menjerit sampai muntah dua kali.
I was overwhelmed, I called Adi and told him I need him to take leave too. Asiah is not her usual self, she wanted to be hold.
Normally, when you have a baby/toddler, you’ll always try to avoid cuti bersama sbb nak simpan cuti in case Asiah demam. But there are times when u cant just handle ur child on ur own. You need support.
Adi spoke directly to his boss, his boss was very understanding like usual, he let him go. When I saw adi, I was relieved. I was at the verge of crying.
Aku bukan jenis mudah menangis wei, tapi tadi pagi sumpah overwhelmed. Sebab aku fikir, Adi kena pergi kerja. Aku ambil cuti tapi still kena singgah office kejap nak settle few stuff. Dgn Asiah yg taknak bagi kerjasama, aku hilang idea nak drive macam mana.
Kalau setakat dia nangis, biaq pi lah. Aku tak kisah. Ni masalahnya dia batuk tak berhenti dan bila letak di carseat, automatic dia jerit sampai dia choke. Naknya tengah federal highway tu choke, aku nak berhenti mana?
Luckily Adi dapat cuti sama. Dalam kereta dia cakap kat aku. “You tau the first question I dapat apa?”
“Apa?”
“Kenapa tak tinggal dekat in laws ke relative ke.”
… Sejujurnya aku dah agak ini soalannya. Aku rasa dari aku bersalin, Adi and i kept getting this question kalau ada apa2. “Kenapa tak kasi family jaga?”
It’s like this, in reality, there are young parents like us who do not have the luxury of having their elderlies nearby. We both are living on our own.
Papa is in kedah. Ayah is in Melaka.
We have to survive by ourselves. Masa berpantang, org tanya kenapa Adi yang ambil cuti jaga aku. Kenapa tak balik kampung.
My mom passed away. My dad and step mom are still working yang balik at 6 pm. My inlaws have a shop to run. Kalau aku balik mana-mana side tidak ada siapa yg boleh jaga aku.
Haritu masa aku and Adi kena hospitalized serentak. Terpaksa ambil bilik yang boleh berdua, bawak Asiah sama. Orang marah kenapa bawak Asiah sekali ke hospital?
Siapa nak jaga? Kami drive ke hospital yg lima minit dr rumah pun terketar2, takkan nak drive balik Melaka/Kedah hantar anak dulu baru get ourselves admitted?
Banyak my girls offer nak ambil Asiah jaga. Asiah breastfeed. Susu tepung tolak, fresh milk tolak. What other options kami ada? Pam? Siapa nak dtg ambil stok susu setiap hari?
Baru2 ni I had to bring asiah to work place sebab aku ada event malam. Asiah kalau malam, susu yang di pam dia akan buang. Dia akan cari aku juga. What other options do I have other than to bring her?
Aku bawak Asiah, adi ikut jaga dia. Tengah jaga, ada chinese aunty marah Adi kenapa bawak keluar anak malam2. Dia tanya kenapa tak tinggal dgn family? Aku tak marah aunty ni bila Adi cerita dia marah2, aku tau dia concern.
But people, really. When you see young parents bawak anak kehulu kehilir, you have to understand there must be a reason.
Contoh hari ni. Adi tak boleh cuti sbb ada important job. Luckily dia jumpa CEO, CEO chill. Aku harini anak sakit pun terpaksa ke office sbb ada kerja yg tak dapat nak elak. Korang ingat kami sengaja buat apa yang kami buat? Anak sakit takkan nak tinggal taska. Tinggal taska pun taska taknak, takut berjangkit.
No. Kami bukan nak seksa anak bila anak sakit terpaksa bawa office. Kami ada tanggungjawab sebagai parents dan kami juga ada tanggungjawab sebagai pekerja.
Orang akan bising, family first before work.
Tahniah kepada yang dah di level di mana career korang dah boleh utamakan family all the time before kerja. Aku and Adi masih lagi di golongan yang kerjayanya kalau benda tak boleh tangguh, means tak boleh tangguh.
Kami dua cuba.
God knows how hard we try to be good parents.
Takdak sebab kami nak bawa anak malam2 pergi event.
Takdak sebab kami nak hangkut anak tak sihat ke office.
Takdak sebab kami nak perabih cuti ikut suka kalau anak tak sakit.
Kami buat sebab kami utamakan Asiah, at the same time kami ada tanggungjawab terhadap amanah yang tempat kerja bagi. Frankly aku dah tak tahu nak terang situasi kami macam mana.
We dont have the luxury untuk hantar anak ke family ikut suka. Kami dua a couple yang jauh dari keluarga, depending only on each other utk survive career and jaga anak.
We may seem as bad parents. Some may look at us as not a good worker. But being a young couple, surviving on their own, balancing parenting and working is not an easy task.
Mungkin lepas ni kalau nmpak ibu bapa yang struggle jaga anak, instead of tanya, kenapa bawak? Kenapa tak tinggal anak dengan mak?
May be instead of asking and judging, you could give us a good word or two.
“Hang in there.”
Or simply just keep quiet, don’t hurt us.
No. We are not bad parents.
It is because we are trying not to be bad parents lah that we have to do what we have to do.
P/s: Lepas ni pasti akan ada yang kata, sebab tulah aku berhenti kerja sebab nak jaga anak. Aim hidup kita berbeza. Aku nak hujung hidup aku, aku dapat berbakti pada manusia, negara.
Aku nak throughout my life, aku nak diri aku at least ada satu contribution ke kehidupan di dunia. Aku nak kehidupan aku bawak manfaat ke dunia. Kalau mati, orang boleh kata ‘Oh, in her lifetime, she was a functional individual towards mankind/earth.’
Kau tau kau mampu berbakti, then share it with the world. Leave greatness on earth. I dont wanna die knowing all i do is love. (It’s not a bad thing, i know. But it just that, i want more.)
Asiah needs to share me with the world. That doesnt mean me loving her less than other mothers in loving their child. Like I said. Kita ada aim berbeza.
Aku nak mati, i get to say to God and mama “I have done good to the world.”
Being a mother is the best thing in my life. But Asiah needs to know that her mother wants to be more than just a mother.
Aku selalu cakap dengan Adi. Ya. Kita sayang anak. Kalau boleh nak dengan anak 24 jam. Tapi you being born to this world is not only for that sole purpose.
Tuhan bawak kita dengan purpose yang berbeza. Kelebihan dan kemampuan yang berbeza. If you dont work on it, you just waste one mankind’s worth on earth.
I’ll teach my kid to love. And I’ll teach her that in live, she needs to serve her purpose too. What purpose? She decides. As long as it brings good to life, something that she can be proud in after life and tell God bout it, then do it.
Stop judging us young parents.
We are trying.
– Kredit kepada penulis Pka Bahar (Bukan nama sebenar)
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