How does it feel like to have been the clueless, limitless dufus? That’s how I realised I was an empanth in the past. I was so stupid that it puts the current me in shame.
At times, I do appear ‘stupid’ or ‘no good’ to incite responses of people unaware of my real nature. I would confuse them so much that they can’t read me, they would stay vulnerably open so that it fascilitates me to read their true nature instead. There is no limit to how cruel the world can be.
Even so, at the expense of your innocence learn how to see light in that moment of darkness which reveals who you truly are.
I would like to ask of you readers out there, what is beauty in reality ? Is it some sort of merit or physical distinction to get past your scrutiny and get well acquainted with you? Possibly a passageway to be treated and respected like a human being?
I was rarely treated like one because I lack just that- ‘beauty’. To a woman it is precious and of utmost importance to look beautiful, desirable and attractive to many and even to everyone. But what I did in the past was to stay away from it.
I was a d3pr3ssed child, I faced the world at the age of 6. I began understanding human cognitive functions behind each and every word they speak to every action they did.
I even cried at times asking myself ‘why do I understand this? I shouldn’t know this, a child.. Shouldn’t know this then why do I get it?’.
I cried under my blanket every night recalling each and every ways I was bullied the day ealier. I was no one’s favourite. I was hated and ignored. I was a dumb, quite wallflower that nobody wished to be associated with. Add UGLY to that impression.
It made my life worse as I witnessed the very same people who misbehaved with me behave so nobly to another attractive person right before my eyes. I was shocked at how quickly their temperament changes.
However I find it quite interesting to watch. Battling suicidal tendency, d3pr3ssion, social awkwardness, pessimistic tendencies at the age of 8, I had purposely took up unhealthy eating habit which soon developed into an eating disorder, binge eating.
It had levelled up the ‘ugly’ status on my physical condition and I was unbothered by it.
Gone were the days where I did, accept and tolerated so much to please people. I could care less of what they think of me. I wanted to stay away from toxicity despite being the main tragic heroin of this sob story, I wanted nobody to trust around me except for the most genuine ones.
I always had this idea where I return whatever I expect from people as equally as possible. I was able to read people based on their body language from the first meeting itself. The first impression usually says it all.
I was faced with lots of ridicule, poor jokes, assumptions, stereotypes, bullies to humiliation from the first glance itself. My physical condition made me aware of the magnitude of ugliness inside someone’s heart without even lifiting a finger.
It’s very easy for some stranger to judge me however they want regardless of the truth and treat me dirtily even at the very first meeting. Despite the fact that we desire to be seen well and treated well by all, I was a little different. My integrity and character needs no one’s approval, I decided it myself.
I would do the right thing even if no one is seeing, it doesnt matter to me if the one who did see me, think of me in a bad light and also does me a favor to spread the word about how bad I am to everyone else.
I was a girl brought up under strict rules, I uphold those rules and values regardless of the rumors my haters spread about me under my name.
I’ve been cruel to people twice in my life, but that was harmless. I made sure it wasn’t anything malignant, I made sure it was done for someone’s benefit in the long run. I willingly carried bad reputation to carry out my intentions and purpose.
To reach the goal having everyone’s best interest in mind. I’ve stained my own hands but I never had a stained heart.
I’ve also learnt that no matter how true and pure hearted we are, we still will never be enough to some people whose main aim is to use and discard us. I’ve had many, in that instance whom always had nothing but contempt hidden under that fake smile they show towards me.
My longing heart however, despite seeing the truth will try its hardest to find some truth and real kindness beneath all that facade. I would desperately search for that non existent light in that dark abyss of their nature.
I was let down many times. I was hurt beyond measure everytime I forgave someone for the deed they did for which they never apologised.
I’ve learnt in the most bitter ways possible that, apart from the very few diamonds I’ve found, all of the rest were merely stones. And this stupid me here could only laugh at myself for worshipping those stones like they were real diamonds in the past.
No, they never had a heart, at least their heart never beat with truth and understanding when they are around me.
I would’ve known if it did. However, that was all my wishfull thinking. All they ever wanted was for me to serve them like a servant.
Actually I’ve held no meaning in their lives apart from being a convinient presence, when I held their presence in my heart’s deepest core with greatest care.
I was never someone’s important person. My respect, response and emotions were discarded as something meaningless, pointless and worthless of their attention.
At that stage, it’s only reasonable that anything I say or even the sound of my voice fell on deaf’s ears. All they ever wanted from me is my servile nature, understanding and care when they can’t provide all of that to me in return.
I daresay all of them were royal pricks, whom would haughtily demand respect and understanding while they were never capable of such feat themselves.
If they were ever understanding and show care, that would only be towards people whom they deem as worthy to be revered by them. And here, I was never on that list.
They choose who they want to show all that good points to and be seen as a great personality by certain people. Its not like I was completely innocent either, heck, if anything I was only purely myself however, that doesnt rule out the fact that I could also be guilty.
But most of them time my actual fault is simply my physical appearance and too good to be true heart.
Despite all that, I accepted and took responsibility for the things I did wrong, if I was ever wrong for I wont forgive myself that easily. There was a deeper purpose and meaning for everything. Universe made sure of that.
All the people I have met and interacted with I have learnt many lessons from them, be it good or bad. But unfortunately, most of those whom I’ve grown close to gave me the most painful lessons there is.
No matter who I care for, who i wish to never see and feel all the sadness and pain ive felt, those whom I wish to succeed, those whose lives and fulfilment was my greatest joy, those that I cherish with all of my heart and soul…
They all turn out to be the worse of worst scums with nothing but ill intentions towards me.
Universe taught me many lessons but most important of it all is, for me to never have a love so great that it takes my sense of existence away. It told me to share myself to everyone equally. It made me put myself first, cherish my heart, feelings and wants first.
It taught what self love really means and how having obtained a certain level of enlightment about my own self gave clarity to the situation I created in my own life and in the lives of others.
It made me turn into a person worthy of anyone and everyone’s respect. It made me into a soul which values impartiality and inner virtues more than someone’s superficial character, appearance and immediate response.
It told me to stay true, pure and respectful no matter what happens, no matter how tough it gets. Never betray, hurt, disrespect, take revenge, wish ill for someone and to never go against my self principles.
I’ve had a purpose for living such a cruel life. I’m glad that it wasn’t purposeless much like what I thought my existence was in the beginning. I am proud of myself for so patiently putting up with all the cruel stuff universe prepared for me.
I was impartial, I didnt let my own wrong doings escape my eyes of discernment. Love, care, empathy, understanding, respect must be given to everyone equally. We all are capable of both good and bad so all of us do have the right to be forgiven.
Forgive but never forget those lessons for which you have literally gone through momentary hell for.
– Shalini Aps (real name)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit