When I knew I have cancer, I was hurled deep into despair, agony and misery.
I was ready to die and join my late husband.
The tears could not stop flowing, it seemed.
I even forced my seven year old little girl to tell me who she wanted to live with when I die, despite her tears and plea for me to stop.
Then, thoughtlessly, I offered my kids to my brother who had been married for several years but childless.
Fortunately, my youngest sibling is quite rational at times. He asked me why would I give my kids to him and I told him it is because I have cancer and people with cancer dies.
My brother calmly told me that everybody dies, so what?
He also said that there are many couples who are married for many years but are not blessed with children, yet He gave me a daughter and a son who are cute, bright, and healthy.
I felt so ashamed upon hearing his reasoning. How could I be so ungrateful?Then I had a long talk with myself.
Q: Why are you so sad, Adibah?
A: Because I have cancer.
Q: So, why are you so sad about having cancer?
A: Because people who have cancer usually dies.
Q: Yes, people die. Why are you so sad about dying? You’ve always wanted to die early. Besides, EVERYBODY dies. It is just a matter of time.
A: True, but what about my kids? What will become of them when I die?
Q: Your late husband left you a lot of money, they have several houses in their names, and your sisters can take care of them with all that money. And your in-laws are more than willing and able to care for them if need be. Allah will take care of things. What else is concerning you?
A: My sins. I have a lot of sins.
Q: Then, repent. You know you are going to die, so prepare for it.
After this conversation, I somehow felt relieved, as if someone has opened a window to the truth when all doors seemed to be shut.
I started accepting the fact that I have cancer and that I will die soon. I do not have much time on this earth. Thus, I need to get ready to leave everything behind.
I started to show more affection to my children, hugging, kissing and telling them how much I love them. I never liked children, you see. I find their wet kisses and sweaty hugs too much. I prefer stroking scaly animals than touching my kids!
But I forced myself to change so that they will remember that I love them when I am no longer around.
I also found religious classes and started attending them regularly.
There I met numerous women who are cancer survivors and that made me feel somehow normal, even though some would ask me if I am a university or school student every once in a while. Yes, I had always looked twenty years younger.
These classes also makes me realise how small the value of everything in this world compared to the hereafter.
Hence, it is pointless to cling on to it.
Slowly, I accept this stubborn illness and my impending death. And just like that, I found peace.
Years had passed and yet, here I am, still alive and making the most of my time with my loved ones, despite endless chemotherapy, PKP, losing my job, my beauty, and so much more.
HE is always with me.
Alhamdulillah.
– AdiSham (Bukan nama sebenar)
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