Assalamualaikum and hi everyone! I’ll introduce myself as Laila, a girl in her mid-20s. I’m currently struggling to love myself and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one here. Self-love is something I struggle with since growing up because of social expectations.
I still remember even as a baby, my own aunty would call me “ugly”. If I was considered ugly as a baby imagine what she would think of me now haha. At the age of 7, I got into an unfortunate accident that took away one of my eyesight.
I cannot see out of my right eye until now. This is already bad enough for me but it also caused my pupil to be uneven with the left one because I cannot control it.
My optic nerve is “dead” and no matter how many optometrists or ophthalmologists I meet, the answer is always the same and that is I cannot get my vision back again.
To be honest, I don’t notice that I cannot see until I look at myself in the mirror because only then I realize my uneven eye.
I’m still thankful that I could still see through. Even though my left eye is blurry and I need to wear glasses to see normally.
Due to this, I have become quite insecure throughout my school days. Sometimes my eye would look crossed-eye and people would point it out or even make fun of it but no one knows about my condition.
I’ve kept it a secret even from my closest friends because I was insecure about it. As I grew older, my eye did not get better but worse. My eyelid is swollen and seems droopy on the right side which made it more obvious. This, of course, made my self-confidence to drop even further.
I’m also not the skinniest person to exist on earth. I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember. I was the “fatty” in the class. Teachers, friends and even my own family has made me well aware that yes, I am FAT.
I remember a guy in my class came up to me and said “You look fine but I still like your friend more because she’s skinny”.
I don’t remember asking his opinion that day but I guess I’ll take it. I also remember my friend’s mother telling me “I used to be skinny when I was your age”.
What’s crazy is that I was considered “fat” when my BMI was normal range at the time. I guess I just looked quite big even though I was healthy weight since Asians tend to be on the smaller side. I was too “big” for an Asian.
Fast forward to University days. This is when my insecurity dropped to its lowest scale. I was so stressed out with studying that I would eat and eat non-stop. Due to this, I gained so much weight which caused me to become even more stressed out because of how I look.
I ate because I was stressed and I was stressed because I ate too much. The cycle continued. During this time, I also had the worst breakout of my life. I had acne everywhere on my skin, not only on the face but on my body as well.
I bought so many different skin cares to get rid of it but it kept coming back. I slowly became more introverted than I was initially. Slowly distanced myself from society because I was so embarrassed about myself.
I didn’t have many friends, no motivation, and didn’t like how I looked in the mirror and that made me fall deeper into my own insecurities.
Now I’ve graduated and I made it out of that deep hole of misery alhamdulillah. Have I fully recovered? No. But am I working on it? Yes! I am still guilty of comparing myself to others but I’m getting better at telling myself that I look good too.
Occasionally, I would still compare my life to my friends but then I look at my own life and be so thankful for what I have or sometimes I would look at others who are more unfortunate than I am and feel blessed at what Allah has provided me.
I was too harsh on myself because I expected others to like me, I wanted others to compliment my looks, I needed other people’s approval and never my own. At the end of the day, why would other people’s opinions matter? You are what YOU think of yourself.
It’s not easy to persuade yourself that you are enough, you are pretty, you are smart but trust me if you tell yourself this consistently, you’ll be amazed at how much your perception can change. This is coming from someone who used to HATE herself.
Hate is such a strong word and it is so unfair to use it against yourself. Don’t try to BE like other people you see on social media because then we will all be the same. Same is boring. You want variations and uniqueness. Something that’s YOU.
Nowadays, I try to spend more money on my health, skin, and mental well-being. I try to be happy with how I look, how much I weigh, and how I am mental.
It’s not an easy process and if I’m being honest I am still going through this journey to self-love but at least I know I’m going in the right direction.
If anyone else out there is going through the same struggle, let’s get through it together! Lets LOVE ourselves :)
– Laila (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit