Bila baca confession Puan “Aku Benci Jadi Mak” (https://iiumc.com/aku-benci-jadi-mak/) hari tu, I feel like I’m at home. I fully understand her struggle.
Masa dalam pantang hari tu, aku ingat lagi, aku rasa penat sangat.
I feel so disoriented, sampai satu tahap, aku tengok anak aku menangis and aku dengar suara cakap “Tutup muka dia dengan bantal, tutup muka dia dengan bantal”.
Luckily, my husband and my mom stepped in and took away my child from me until I recover. But truth be told, I never ever recover. Deep down, the demon is still there. Oh well, postpartum depression is real you guys.
Ramai yang kecam Puan hari tu, kata macam-macam like “Kalau tak nak anak, jangan la buat anak” or “Anak tu tak bersalah, ibu yang bersalah” yada yada.
Langsung tak bagi emotional support kat Puan tersebut, tahu kecam je, tahu nak menjatuhkan lagi emotion Puan tu,
Walaupun dah tahu she’s already feeling so low, walaupun tahu dia rasa berdosa & bersalah sebab dia bukan ibu yang baik.
You’re not in our shoes, senang la cakap! You don’t know how our brain is functioning! You don’t know how we feel!
Mana ada orang tak nak ada anak, kalau dia tak nak anak, dah lama la dia gugurkan or dia buang baby tu. Ape la korang ni.
Dah dapat anak, baru la kami tahu macam mana perasaan ada anak, dan masa tu it’s too late to go back. Ugh, itu pun tak boleh fikir ke.
Korang ingat, kami yang tak rasa tak best jadi mak ni, tak ingat or rindu anak ke? Waktu kerja, duk terfikir anak tengah buat apa gamaknya kat taska? Okay ke? Hari ni kena gigit dengan kawan lagi ke?
Ingat kami ni villain dalam movie ke, yang serba serbi jahat?
Ingat kami punya hati dah busuk, reput, sampai tak de rasa bersalah ke? At least, kami ada jugak minta maaf kat anak kami, tak macam sesetengah ibubapa yang ego.
Don’t judge like we don’t want our child, don’t assume that we don’t care about our child and don’t act like we don’t love our child!
Yes, I heard voices asking me to kill my baby, but cuba la tanya, pernah ke mommy pukul dia, asyik beli toys ada la.
Even masa dia baling my newly bought iPhone across the room pun, dia langsung tak kena punishment. Parents orang lain tak tahu la macam mana kan. Dah berbirat kot.
Just because mommy is having this dark unexplainable feelings, doesn’t mean mommy truly hates you. Mommy is trying my best to fight my inner demon, son.
Just like Puan tersebut, I also feel guilty feeling this way, I feel angry at myself that I resent my own son.
I keep asking myself, kenapa aku bukan macam ibu-ibu lain? Macam mana ibu-ibu lain survive. I feel so inadequate. I feel bad. I feel like a sore loser.
Honestly , I generally have a happy, comfortable life. Got married at 28 and then managed to enjoy a year of honeymoon before getting our baby.
Then dapat pulak a son as a firstborn, we are totally over the moon with joy sebab my husband memang nak sangat a son and I’m happy I could provide it for him.
Both of us is working in reputable companies, so alhamdulillah money isn’t an issue. My husband also is a very loving, caring, helpful husband. We are a happy little family eventhough I’m struggling with motherhood.
Sometimes orang tak tahu pun I’m struggling, because I totally look like a normal adoring mother yang asyik post gambar anak comel kat socmed. Tapi dalam kepala ni, hanya Allah je tahu, dah berapa kali I imagine killing my son. Astagfirullahalazim, I’m ashamed of myself.
I still remember I asked my husband after we got our son:
1. Sayang, kenapa dekat TV, senang je diorang jaga anak.. tetiba je fast forward anak dah besar.
2. Sayang, I wish baby comes with a manual. I’m so clueless dia nak apa! (Masa tu baby 3 bulan and asyik berjaga malam)
3. Sayang, kan best kalau baby comes with return policy, kalau tak nak, return je balik.
4. Sayang, kenapa tak de orang bagitahu kita susahnya nak jaga anak?
5. Sayang, macam mana orang lain ada anak sampai sepuluh orang eh? Ada sorang pun rasa macam hantuk kepala kat dinding dah.
Now that my son is a happy healthy toddler, so ramai la makcik bawang tanya “tak nak tambah anak ke?”
My husband and I just mampu berhuhuhuhuhu. My husband memang la teringin nak tambah anak, tapi dia faham, wife dia not mentally-capable to add more child.
We definitely not going to take the risk. Tapi kalau Allah masih nak bagi another baby, kami tawakal & terima rezeki dari Allah dengan tangan terbuka, mungkin ada hikmah kat mana-mana.
What am I saying is, if you’re a struggling mother, don’t lose hope, keeps on fighting. Yes, tak semua orang faham apa yang kita rasa. Tapi you’re not alone.
If you feel suffocated with the overwhelming feelings, get help, keep your distance from your child. Istigfar, berdoa agar Allah permudahkan everything, berdoa Allah kuat kan kita, berdoa agar Allah beri kita jalan keluar.
Sometimes bila kita marah, geram, penat.. kita akan terbawa-bawa dengan perasan. But whatever it takes, jangannnnnnnn start pukul anak.
Please refrain yourself from doing it! sebab takut, once you lay your hand on them, you couldn’t stop, so jangan start! That’s why my son buas macam mana pun, tak pernah lagi kena cubit.
Me time is important. Try to get some me time if needed. Kalau tak boleh me time pun, cuba distract yourself by doing something that you like, something that makes you happy.
Family planning is crucial. Do your best to avoid getting pregnant again. Don’t sabotage yourself and don’t sabotage your own child.
Last but not least, it’s okay, nobody is perfect. But our efforts counts. May this harship becomes our ticket for us to Jannah. Amin.
I wish myself and other struggling mothers out there good luck, c’mon girlfriends, we can do this!
Bak kata my husband, dapat anak comel pun nak benci ke?
– Fae (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit