Dear readers, this is my first ever story that I want to share with all of you, but basically its about me. I am now approaching my late 20s, I think its time for me to open up about my childhood.
I am the eldest out of 3 siblings. I love the youngest, my precious baby brother, although he can be a pain in the ___ sometimes. but the middle one?, I still have some unresolved issues with her.
Growing up as the eldest child, I had to take care of my siblings, because thats what Kak Long do right? I don’t find it fun.
My sister, whom I gonna call her N. we have some kind of siblings rivalry I think (At least from my POV, maybe its a one sided sibling rivalry hahaha)
Growing up, while my parents wanted to buy some stuff at the mall, I always decided to stay at my grandparents house because that is the place for me to spend time with my cousins. I find it therapeutic as a child.
N, she always came back with a new toys, and non for me. She got those fancy fancy toys from the mall, Like LPS, polly pocket, Sylvanian family and many more.
I believed that my parents wanted her to share it with me, but N is such a stingy kid, she would not let me to play with it, I always have to curi curi to play with the toys.
I always in constant stress during that time, and my parents they just told me to “Beralah tak rugi pun” and brush it off just like that.
Even if I follow them to the mall and saw some toys that I liked, they have trained me to say “Bye bye toys”, although I was frustrated for not getting the toys but it would be way worse if I got the toys that I wan’t because my mom going to make me feel guilty for having to buy me the new toys.
I always the punching bag of my parents (I think) but not the the extend of being extremely physically abusive, its just my mom a has a narcissistic personality and my father is quiet guy when it comes to rising me up.
My mom would blame me for every my siblings wrong doing, and if they gut hurt like jatuh tersembam on the floor, I will be blamed for it because I didn’t take care of them.
I always felt that their treatment was not fair towards me, because I was just a kid too, N being a year younger than me, but they would prefer her more. Why? maybe she’s cuter, slimmer, fair skin kid (Okay but this is just my conspiracy theory, I don’t want to fitnah my parents here haha).
Okay enough with the yapping. Nah I was a slow learner kid, who is slow on everything, but my mood was quite volatile too,
So instead sending me to the psychiatrist they decide (okay not they because my father was an angel, he just had to follow everything my mom said) to send me to Ustaz and told Ustaz to jampi me and forced me to drink the air doa, with an intention to let me be more nicely heavenly well mannered daughter, gitu.
Up until my teenage years, my parents would curse me with “Anak kau akan jadi lebih teruk dari kau, tunggu lah nanti bila kau kena baru tahu” while shouting at me hehehe.
Also my mom said ” Kau ni dugaan terbesar untuk aku” on my face when I was a kid, once I got scared on sleeping alone (I was 9/10/12/13 years old during this time), and I want to sleep with her, she said “Syaitan tu gunakan kau nak runtuhkan rumahtangga aku” sobs.. sobs.. I’m crying while writing this.
Maybe during that time my parents wanna sleep and I was interfering if I sleep with them, but my baby brother was in the same room too so I don’t know, as a little kid I didn’t think of anything other than feeling of unfairness
I was just lonely, with all the attention my parents had was given to the middle and last child, I was not a favourite. I told Allah on everything, I told everything that happened to me in a day, why do I get treated like this.
Because of this situation, I decided to pushed myself on every exam, I just have to learn more than everyone else, I ended up being an over achiever person.
I remember telling Allah, I feel that things happening to me now is not fair, I want to be someone that my parents can be proud of, I want to be more berjaya than N, I want to be my parents favourite, I want N to fail in her life, at least that what I told Allah.
Maybe because it was a Dua made by a little kid kot? atau maybe Doa orang teraniaya? I don’t know, which part of my life that Allah decided to grant my Dua but it happened, so here’s the story.
N, I have trouble loving her whole heartedly, I care for her but not to the extend I love her with all my heart. It turns out that N started to behave badly, she get irritated easily and she became violent during her teenage years. N once choke my little brother.
Teachers always call our parents and me (because I was in the same high school) telling us how weird N is, she isolate her self, beside she got bullied , she was stress in her teenage years.
Poor N, My mom being an avid believer to the Ustaz spiritual healing power send her to many Ustaz for years, My mom got stressed too,
My father told my mom to send her to the psychologist specialise in adolescent behaviour, My mom was stubborn and she believes in Ustaz more, later on my mom give up and send N to the psychologist.
Turns out with all the volatile mood and aggressive behaviour was N actually struggling with her Autism. Yes she was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 16.
She struggle with her academic and everything, the only thing she know is Internet, she only loves Internet and she will have an anger outburst when Internet being taken away from her .. like throwing tantrums.
N, she was a normal kid, she plays with toys, she talk like any normal people would do, she does not have any academic issues and she was way smarter than me.
With N struggling with her life, my life on the other side starts to seem to be promising, I got straight As for PMR and 7As for SPM. Which I felt happy, my parents finally notice me.
I start to get things I want, which I had to obtain with good results only (but my other siblings can get everything when they want and even they did poorly on exam, but they will still got it) LOL sempat I rasa I Kak Long tersakiti eh. Stop with your victim mindset Noura! and lets get back to the story.
Now that we are both approaching our 30s, N still at home, she told me she want to be like everyone else, she want to get a job, but no one would hire her, because of her OKU “Masalah pembelajaran” status
Truth behold, I am regretting every single Dua I told Allah that I want to be better than N, now that my life is in a better position, I wished she would get hers too.
I am sorry, I wish everything the best for you, and I want you to be happy, I was a naive kid with a silly Dua, I wish you will be okay, or maybe by some sort of miracle from Allah that your Autism can be cured, I don’t know.
May Allah forgive me too..
– NOURA (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit