My Life is a Mess

Assalamualaikum. Umur saya 18 (belum genap). Family saya ni complicated sikit.

To be honest i don’t have a really good childhood. My dad once beaten me because I don’t know certain words in English or pronounce it when i was 6 years old. It was painful. But i forgive him.

When i enter year 4, my aunt gave birth to her second son. She quit her job and my mom replace her. So my mom now work while my aunt is a full time housewife.

My aunt and his husband live with us for years. After she gave birth to her second son, she chance. She often get mad and hit me.

Back then I don’t know how to to do basic house chores. So she would yell at me. But when i start to do it, contoh mcm menyapu smpah, angkat pakaian, she will still yell at me. I don’t what i did wrong.

We have a neighbor. My neighbor’s daughter often come to our house to play with my cousins and me. When i was in form 2 if u wasn’t mistaken, my neighbor’s wife was sick.

So my aunt often went to their house to help them with house chores. Tbh it is painful for me how she priorities someone else over me who is her family.

Since year 4, i wrote diary often. I wrote what my aunty did. At first i wrote down using bahasa melayu. My aunt often find my diary and read the diary.

Then when i started to get a little better using English, i wrote diary in English. But her husband or my neighbor would translate it to her.

When i enter middle school, the school i choose was not that far if using car. My aunt often get mad when it time to send me to school and ask me why don’t i walk by foot? So one time, i walk by foot. But on the way to school, i found her talking with my mother’s and her close friend.

Their friend ask me to masuk dalam kereta. Ask why i walked. So nak tak nak, saya masuk kereta. My aunt hantar pergi sekolah. Sepanjang perjalanan she yell at me. I keep quiet. At that time all i think was to cepat ii sampai sekolah.

There was once when i enter form 2, my aunt refuse to took me to school for a week. So i lied to my classroom’s teacher that i was sick. The next week i able to go to school bcuz her husband take me to the school.

I often didn’t eat or take shower unless she wasn’t home or when my mom is home. I ate once a day. I wash my own clothes and angkat baju sendiri. If saya tak angkat, takde sapa pun sentuh baju saya. Even hujan pun takde yg nak pindahkan.

Once our tv broke. It was tv that my father’s bought. It was our first tv model baru (kami mula ik guna tv yang berat and tebal tu). Her 2nd son throw toy on the tv causing the skrin rosak/pecah. Mase tu saya tengah iron baju kat tepi tv. I didn’t expect that at all. It was so fast.

She yell at her son then she yell at me saying why I don’t stop him. I tried to defend myself by saying i didn’t expect that at all and it happened so fast. If i don’t go to school i would only stay at my room.

I’m scared to face her. I can’t even made eye contact with her. She still insult me even if her friends are around me. One of her friend, the one that asked me to get into the car, defend me once but my aunt keep insult me.

Before my aunt becomes housewife, my mother was a full-time housewife. She take care me, my younger sibling and my aunt’s first son. My mom was the one that wash her and her husband’s clothes.

My mother took me to school by walking by foot. And my mother didn’t get pay for it. But my aunt often said that i should pay her since she took me to school.

Once when i had enough, i tell my father what actually happened. But he told me it’s fine. He said my aunt won’t get mad for nothing. I told my father by using letter as i don’t want to talk.

My aunt’s husband found the letter and he gave it to my aunt. When my aunt found out abt it, she yell at me for telling my father.

I keep questioning what i did wrong at first. But then i start to blame myself. One time, i was in my room while my younger sibling was doing her hw in the living room. Her sons cause a mess. Then she started yelling. She even mentioned me and my younger sibling.

I tried not to care and mind my own business. But she said something that completely broke my heart. She said if she know i will become like this, she should’ve feed me poison instead of milk (susu tepung). Idk if she means it or not but it’s hurt me and that words still replays inside my head everyday.

I don’t know how many times i have heard how i should’ve just died. It wasn’t said by strangers but my own parents and my aunt.

Although my aunt’s husband didn’t said anything, but the fact he just watch me when i was yell and get beaten made me sad. It made like i am useless. I attempted suicide once but i stopped bcuz of my younger sibling. I can’t even stand for myself. I am useless.

My younger sibling was recorded what my aunt said and let my parents listen to it. My parents get mad. My mom share about what my aunt did to her boss which is my aunt ex boss too. The boss is quite close with my family.

Then my aunt enter my room start pulling my hair and kick me. I was wondering what was going only to find out it was bcuz of that.

Her husband was home, but he didn’t stop her. Her sons just look at me from my door. Even when i cried she didn’t stop. I was hopeless. I didn’t tell my mother abt this. Only my younger sibling know.

But then i had enough, i went to school Counseling. That was when i made a big mistake which I don’t realize until few days.

I told my counseling teacher what’s going on. She promised not to tell my parents. Then she said she will call my mother and my aunt. She told them what happened and said my aunt menganggu prestasi saya.

After that, i realized how mess up it is. My aunt move out. My mom and my aunt didn’t talk to each other for quite sometimes. I am the one in the wrong for ruining their relationship.

When i enter form 2, after ramadhan i often didn’t come to school. I often made excuse where there’s party or something. Until form 3. All of that was bcuz i was scared to face people.

I was scared to be in crowded place. Whenever i was surrounded by a lot of people i will think ‘they are judging me’. I also started to ‘daydreaming’.

Every times i would always create scenario in my head. It so random. I would have conversations with myself by imagining i am having a conversation with someone else. Is this concerning?

I purposely didn’t attend on the day ujian mndengar and brtutur bcuz i was scared. Hence, my pt3 result was a whole failure. I mean it was as expected? I am sorry to my parents.

Before i enter form 4, i move to another state. I tried to start all over again. But on first day pf school i feel uncomfortable. I just want to leave as soon as possible. The scond day i didn’t attend the school. Then i quit school completely.

Idk what’s going on with me? I tried to chance multiple times but i still fail. I tried to pick myself all over again but i still fail. I’m tired. I’m tired living like this.

So i decided to study by myself and start all over again. I want to try again. SPM Persendirian. Idk what kind of results will i get later on, but i want to try. I really want to be happy.

I want to be able to smile and laugh again without feeling guilty. I want to get out from my past and my comfort zone. But i fail again.

My aunt and my mom is okay now. They started talking again a year ago if i wasn’t mistaken. I forgive her but it’s hurt everytime i think about it. Until now i was wondering where did it go wrong?

I apologize to her before but i don’t get any reply. Should i apologize again? But it feel like i’m making myself as the victim.

I don’t even know what’s going on now? I don’t know what to do now? I’m confused. Where should i begin? What should i do? Am i really the one in the wrong? What did i do wrong? Why no one tell me what i did wrong so i can apologize and fix it?

Is it wrong and selfish of me if I expect my parents and my aunt and his husband to apologize to me? I’m tired but i can’t die. My religion don’t allow suicide. Just once, i want to feel happy and free.

I apologize for any mistyped or grammar mistakes. I just do this to let it out of my chest.

– Elly (Bukan nama sebenar)

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