Luahan Yang Tak Terhantar

Dear Mr. Ex-neighbour,

I hope this confession reaches you – and your soul… lol, what are the chances, kan?

Anyway…

It all started with a curiosity on a dating app. I’ve satisfied that curiosity, and so I went back to my comfort cave. I uninstalled the app, and it’s been two years since then.

Cepatnya masa berlalu… dua tahun, eh? We started getting closer last year, kan? Or was it just me?

Above all, I need to thank that love scammer I met through Instagram and that indecisive man I encountered on an Islamic app who ghosted me for a while, where I maintained no contact, then he came back like nothing happened.

I bid them farewell, and I’m no longer in touch with them.

Without those experiences, life would never have led me to you even when we’re neighbour at that time. Because of those two humans – and another one I had a decade-long silent crush on – I wasn’t on a journey to find true love.

I just wanted to meet someone I could be comfortable with, someone I could have silly banter with. Love could come later.

Since you mentioned that you were casually dating, I didn’t put much effort into gaining your attention.

I’m just that typical studious workaholic with a mountain of things to juggle, who kept swiping right until I got another match at that time.

But you – you are one persistent **star*..

I can’t help it but see that you had many layers. I valued honesty and was quick to catch the hidden topics you often suppressed but treated lightly.

This walking red flag who clearly needed serious healing – I wasn’t going to be your therapist, but I didn’t mind being your friend who prayed for your wellbeing and till you find peace from whatever that turned you to who you’re now.

Clearly, I’m lacking sense in whatever that’s not part of work or study settings, and that social curiosity slowly killed me inside.

I probably won’t die from anxiety, if I forgot the do’s and don’ts of being a Muslim. I’m not pious, but I’m learning.

But I learned from it. I started stacking boundaries, layer by layer, and making firm, informed decisions.

My mental health and spirituality were at stake. I didn’t plan to harbor deep feelings, but I did anyway. And seeing that we weren’t on the same page, I withdrew and bid my farewells time and time again.

Yet, you kept coming back again and again. Little improvements each time, and it seems I didn’t have the heart to block you. I valued our connection, but it would mean nothing if you didn’t treat it the same way.

You said you’re socially drained lately.. okay..

You’re often in my doa, you know. I made a specific prayer because I couldn’t bring myself to fully let you go.

I asked Allah to take away any desire you had to reach out to me, if you weren’t good for me. Because I’m not sure what is this I have towards you.. is it love? Sympathy? Obsession?

I see your struggle, I see that unhealed past wounds. All those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I care, that’s why I prayed that you’ll find ways to heal from those past wounds.

What happened between us might just be the answer to my prayer. I thought things would be different this time because of your persistence. But it seems that wasn’t Allah’s plan – for me, or for us.

Before meeting you, I even thought I didn’t have feelings or desires to begin with. And through Allah’s will, no one ever approached me either. Hahaha.. the irony..

My friends always said I had this invisible wall that kept “guy energy” away, but in a girl group setting, I was approachable. They also said I treated people too professionally.

Oh well, as long as babies love approaching me, I don’t really care.. lol.. just want to say, kau lain, I’m a rare pokemon with SSS level, okay.. you should be grateful to even have the chance to get to know me.. lol.. takpelah..

Nampaknya…

Allah yang beri perasaan ini. Allah yang temukan kita. Allah juga yang bimbing perpisahan kita. Mungkin bukan jodoh, tapi pengajaran untuk kita berdua.

Aku terima seadanya…

Mungkin kita tak siap lagi. Mungkin aku bukan untukmu, dan kau bukan untukku. Mungkin bukan untuk sesiapa pun. Aku tak paksa Allah, kalau ini yang terbaik untukku.

Tapi…

Kau, yang masih bertandang dalam hati, yang masih berlegar dalam minda, selagi mana Allah belum tarik perasaan ini, aku serahkan semuanya ke Allah.

Thank you for saying that I bring you comfort.

Sincerely,

Your Cheerleader..

– Ms SSS Level (Bukan nama sebenar)

Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit