Empty & Kosong

Pernah rasa tak kau nak menangis macam gila bab1 tapi kau tak tau apa yang kau nak luahkan tu, macam overwhelming sh1t stuff..

I just need to get this off my chest. I’m tired. Not just physically, but in that way where your soul feels worn out. It’s like being stuck in a loop where everything feels both too much and completely empty at the same time.

I guess I’ve been carrying this feeling for a while. Sometimes I think about how life’s supposed to work—find love, build something meaningful, just feel okay in your own skin.

But it’s not that simple when the odds seem stacked against you from the start. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: I feel like I’m doomed. It’s like every number, every fact, every reality just confirms that I’ll never really get there. Love, happiness, feeling whole—it all feels so far away.

It’s weird to admit that I’m scared of trying because I’m scared of failing. Why bother confessing feelings when I’ve already convinced myself that I’m not good enough? The thought of rejection hurts less if I never give myself the chance to be rejected in the first place.

I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, but it doesn’t make it less isolating. Sometimes I just want to switch off—shut out the thoughts and the doubts and the constant questioning of whether I’ll ever be good enough.

I took a bit more than I should have the other night—just trying to quiet it all for a moment. I guess I’m still here, just trying to figure out what’s next.

I’m not looking for sympathy or advice. Just needed to put this out there. Maybe it’s just me trying to make sense of the mess in my head. I don’t know. I just needed to say it somewhere.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this; it’s not like it’s going to change anything. Yes, I come from a dysfunctional family. Basically estranged for almost ten years or more. I don’t love them and I don’t hate them.

I’m pretty sure a lot of you guys already face worse scenarios, worse experiences, worse feelings, and much more, while I’m just a small issue, right?

I know many people would say, “Doalah kepada Tuhan,” etc., but it’s meaningless to me. I’m no longer blaming fate, people, or anything.

I’m existing just because I woke up this morning. I’m just working because I still need to pay bills and eat because I’m still alive. My life always centered with logics,numbers and statistics or you could think like I’m thinking like a robot or an AI?

Substance abuse? I don’t know. Only Xanax has been helping me sleep for the past few years. With all the experiences from childhood until now, almost 30, I’ve never been in a relationship because I don’t know how to love or what love even is.

For the past few years, the voices inside my head have already made peace with this—no longer having too many suicidal thoughts, but the nihilism is still there.

I guess I just needed to put this out there, not looking for anyone to fix it or even understand it. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge the mess and move on.

– John Doe (Bukan nama sebenar)

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