Self Reflection: Why Im Sad?

Hello myself. My first time trying to pour this out. Looking back, my life take it turning point in 2019. Where so many things happened. I lost my love, best friend and father. So many losses in one year. Heart break.

But to speed things up, i met this one person. That changed my life, how i see things differently. I met him, get to know him. Let call him S. He promised me, a good life that i wished for. He came in my darkness phase. He promised to take care of me.

I believed him as my protector, guiding me out of the dark life i have at that moment. My bad, i did not put much effort. Im sorry for that. I hurt him.

I thought him patience enough to wait. To wait for me coming out from darkness and guide me. I thought he will always accept me for who i am. My plan, to be better in 2021, and be the best for him. But we can only plan. Allah is The Best Planner.

One day, at the end of 2020. He left me. For good. Since then my life going crazy. I was never genuinely happy. We still communicate and meet each other. But never as lover. I don’t know whats that called. Up and down. I tried to win him back. Put much effort that i known. But nothing touches him.

2021 until 2022. 2023, i stopped begging him. I try to move on. 2024, again try to move on. 2025, trying to move on. I almost accept other person. But i realize my heart is still with S. I cannot hurt other people.

Now mid 2025, i just want to dig up why im sad. Im sad because i still put hope that he still wants me. Our last meeting, he called me sayang, spend time for me. I know now, he moved on. His heart with other girl. His heart for someone else. Im not his priority anymore.

I guess he still around because of his promise to me. To take care of me for the rest of his life. Maybe him sympathy to me. Not more than that. He asked me to move on and find others. I did that actually but Im not gonna lie, even though I’m with others and get to know other people, i still cant get S out of my mind, my heart.

I should be happy for him right. That he met the love of his life. Someone better than me. To take care of him. Yes of course I’m sad and jealous but what can i do? I cannot make him fall for me again. His heart is belong to Allah.

I told him, let me know 3 months earlier if you want to get married. So that i have plenty to move on for good. I will varnish from his life. Now, he is happy with his new love. No more me. Yes he told us as friend. Friend? Laugh to myself. I don’t know if i can treat him as friend. I don’t know.

Im sad, that i did not do my best when i have the chance. I did something hurt him. I supposed to realize early and treat him better. Why at that time I’m so evil? Only God knows. My hidayah came late. He cannot wait. My apologize came late. My effort came late.

I typed too fast than my brain. Im was so stupid. Why why why. I cant answer. I cant rewind the time. Theres nothing i can do. I apologize, learn from it. Praying he will come back to me. Do my better.

Now, letting him go. Slowly. Learnt that maybe he is not for me. Walk away. Pick my broken pieces by pieces. In my life, i may have everything but not love. Maybe God wants to teach me something. That i should not put hope to person. That i should put hope to Him only. I got the lesson late.

God, i finally understand. That feeling does fade away. That promises got broken. That people came with patient limitation. That people can love and unloved. That people left. How to accept this? Guide me. Give me guidance to keep strong and be happy again. Without him.

How to be happy again? My previous losses, brother, father.. if i missed them i remember them in my prayer. My ex partner, best friend.. its hurts but I came to sense. Some things cannot be forced. At least them did not promise me anything. I have nothing against them.

Maybe thats why i can accept that them no longer in my life. Became chapter in my life. And just let things flow according to nature and Your plan. I should do the same for him right?

I did not enjoy my life to the fullest because of him. Because Im stuck at this chapter. Until when? God, allow me to put full stop to this. Close this chapter. Let him go. Promise? Thats okay, save that for later. You can go and make promise to your new lover. I hope you not leave her, as how you leave me.

Yes I’m sad and painful but for my mental health, allow me to go for good. So that you remember, how we used to be. How you really want to know me, get me. You asked for chance. I gave it to you. But why when i asked for chance? You never give it to me? This is unfair. But thats okay. God knows better.

It’s so painful. I hope you get what you want. I want you but God might better plan for me. For you. This is going to be hard. But yes, I have to other option. One last thing I’m going to do. That you gave me conditions. Four. I achieved 3 of it. One more.

One day, once i achieved the last condition, Il come to you. For you to decide. If you decide to be with me, InsyaAllah il be the best partner for you. We build our life again like what you told me years ago. And hope you open up your heart and give chance for us.

If you decide not to be with me, i will go, for good this time. I might not forget. But i will go. Because theres nothing left for me. Those 7 years holding on to promise and hope wasted for nothing. To God i surrender.

This confession for me to let this out from my chest, my mind. Hopefully ease my burden that i carry this whole time. If you guys have things to say or advice for me, do comment okay. Good or bad il read it but please be nice to me. Im not good at this. I really want to forget him but i cant.

Hopefully after this, God help me in this journey. InsyaAllah. Maybe him not good enough for me. Im not good enough for him. Thats okay.

I hope i can close this chapter soon. So that i can move on, walking forward to more in life. Be genuinely happy again this time. Not everything we want, we can have right. Like what he once told me, cinta tak semestinya memiliki.

Whats that mean? He dont want me? I dont know. Maybe. Just a polite way to reject me. Person that he once chase hardly. I can only smile when i think back. Thats okay. I forgive. May our heart healed. Aamiin.

– N.A.M (Bukan nama sebenar)

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