That day came, to receive my SPM results. I came to school with my parents, all the way from Selangor. There’s one thing that was going through my head; “what if I didn’t get straight A’s?”. As my name was announced I could not believe I could get a wonderful result of 9A 1B. I’m not bragging, but what comes next what hit me. So I showed my results to my parents.
My mother congratulated me and was very proud, but my father, the first word he said was “Kenapa ada B ni? kan dah cacat. Kawan-kawan lain ada yang dapat A kan?” Even though he said jokingly but as a person who knows that she tried her very best, to receive such kind of reaction was very devastating, especially from her loved ones. It really affected my self-esteem.
So the days went by and I had to fill the UPU form (you all know what that is right?). I really had no idea what I was doing but all I know was I chose it by heart. My first choice was “DIPLOMA dalam HIASAN DALAMAN” because I really love designing and hoping this was the path of getting my dream job; an interior designer. When my parents knew about this, they really did brainwashed me and I had a mental breakdown. They actually scolded me in front of a guest that was coming over at that moment. My family’s friend had to comfort me and slow-talked on this topic. She encouraged me to go further than ‘what you know you can do’, something like getting out from your comfort zone. What I didn’t realise that my self-esteem was declining little by little.
One day, I received an interview from JPA. I was really excited and nervous because this was a huge thing for me. I never had a real interview before. Plus, this was a big getaway for my parents because getting a scholarship means lifting their burden in the context of ‘money’. The day of the interview, I was well-dressed but a little bit nervous so I kinda said I was scared to go the interview. PANG! A tight slap from my father. “Kalau hidup nak takut je, baik tak payah hidup”. That time I just don’t know what to feel. He was right about that, but all I know was, I want to get away from here.
Doing a diploma in engineering when you don’t actually have a heart in doing it, is really tiring. Plus, studying in a non-English country such as Japan. My first semester was meaningless. I don’t understand well, I couldn’t make any friends in the first month cause the Japanese students were very shy, I failed three main subjects and to fail more than 3 subjects means that I’m close to repeat the whole year again. At that time I was really afraid of failure and that was when my first depression started.
My summer break was full of tears. I went back home and told my parents that I couldn’t continue at this rate. I want to do what I want to do. “Kalau kau berhenti sekarang, apa orang kata? Siapa nak bayar duit nanti? Tak malu ke?” At that point, its pointless to fight in what you believed in. But thanks to my sister, she understood what was it like being a student. My sister had way harder experience than me. She did not get good results in her SPM so my parents labeled her as ‘stupid and always playing around’. She proved them wrong, and successfully became an English teacher.
So I went back to Japan, with high hopes, improved my prayers, reconnect more with people around me, being positive and optimist of what comes ahead. Alhamdulillah, it is my third year now, how time flies when you have so much fun, eh? I use my spare times doing art stuff so that I don’t get depressed. I still am going to fight for what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time, but with more patience.
Who made the idea of good-pay-jobs like engineering, doctor, like there is no other option in the world that their children can become successful? What I know is not everyone was born to be an engineer or a doctor, but everyone was born with its own uniqueness. Doesn’t this reminds you of that movie called “3 Idiots”. I guess I’m one of those idiots *giggles*.
I know every parent want what’s best for their children, including mine. I don’t hate them, in fact, I love them dearly. If anyone out there is experiencing this, I want you just to be patient and never stop believing and never stop trying. Your time will come. Have faith. Before doing anything drastic, remember, your parents love you. You are worth living.
– TetsuOnna
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