Coming home straight from Gombak Campus after a very tiresome day, I find myself falling asleep on my bed, accompanied with nothing but the embrace of what I call, bantal busuk.
And as the sudden rush of adrenaline that thrusts me and woke me up as I dreamt of being chased by random people in a watery location.
I went on immediately to check on my surroundings, wipe away any saliva that might have decided to come hanging out and eventually, I checked on my Instagram.
As I scrolled over the various pointless memes, selfies and romantic couple jizzies. I checked on my classmate’s story, and the thought of her ignoring my existence most of the time I’m in the same class as her was the first thought that comes.
And from there, it somehow connected and related to me, being ‘a living road pebble’, hidden and unknown from the very criterias of this little society of walking giants and great people.
Inexplicably, this intense feeling of mad, unexplained anger devoured me. Full of sadness and confusion I cried, and I started talking alone to myself. It’s pretty amazing how emotional you can get after waking up from a rough sleep.
“I’m alone”. I said it, “I’m alone”.
I’m alone even from the very start. I’m the very essence of nobody. I might have to admit, I’m quite the shy introvert, who speaks only a few words and most of them were scrambled and unintelligible. But I didn’t become shy on purpose.
I’m shaped, trained to be an introvert as the whole society deemed me be.
Years and years of being hidden among the society eventually took it’s toll. When you’re not the center of attention, when people refused to notice you, you start to develop a layback personality. And that’s when the lonely synonym of “introvertion” becomes you.
In the petty history of my life, all the successes and motivations they all came from certain prominent persons in my life, who gave their outwardly attention towards me.
I got 5A’s in UPSR just because some of my friends simply told me and believed I could.
I earned flying colors in PMR simply because a person, whom I admired so much, simply said; “go get some A’s”.
SPM too. The whole school gave their attention to me when I managed to impress them as a top student, they put a lot of hope on me and I’m not for an instance to disappoint them. Which then led me here to be in this university, IIUM.
But frankly, I’m not that happy here. The students here they came from prominent schools, boarding schools and religious schools mostly where education is hardcore. And somehow I realized that they only give their attention to people of ‘high standards’.
Certainly that wouldn’t be me.
I wished that I was in lesser universities instead, where there are lesser prominent and lesser great genius asshole students, and more people of the same level. Not too smart, not too successful. Heck, I could’ve even danced if they are of the same level as me.
It was quite funny to think that when I entered IIUM, I pictured that everyday and every class fellow students would be like “Hey, hey what’s up” in every corner I walk through.
Unfortunately, I don’t fit in with their criterias.
Unless I can debate, I can be the clown of the class, be the most handsome in the section or I can prove my participantion in classes, I won’t be noticed.
And trust me, just a few months into IIUM and I’m already feeling demoralized, unmotivated.
I start to suck at every quizzes and papers. I badly do my assignments and group projects. And I think twice sometimes whether I want to go to class or just skip it.
But the worst part of being an intovert is; when the tragic element of masturbation kicks in.
I have to confess. I masturbated many times, and if not daily. It helps for awhile to keep away my stressful mood. But it is destructively addictive.
And only then they would start to notice. After all the bad things I committed, the society would ‘notice’ you. Of course, negative assumptions only.
“Why is he so lazy at group projects?”
“Why is he always skipping class?”
“Gosh, he’s probably the worst participant in class”
“Let’s not choose him as a group member”
“He’s unapproachable”
And so on goes the lists….
And now, all of them led to this, me writing a confession to make me feel better. To say what my heart desires.
Lately I’ve been experiencing suicidal thoughts, never thought that I would go this far but here I’am. It was pretty bad I think that I have to reassure myself many times and shed buckets of tears in my room just to prevent myself from doing such unwanted things.
I got out somewhere, alone by myself, just to escape from the confining yet empty feeling recluses of IIUM. And I find myself more comfortable being far from people and alone than living amidst crowded places.
I’m not handsome. I’m not smart like the rest of the giants. I’m not a class clown. I’ve never done anything noticeable yet. And yes, I’ll never be seen as a good standard in their sights. So, alone I go on.
Well, I guess that’s how people is nowadays?
– Some Stressed Lonely Guy
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit