Assalammualaikum
Thank you if you accepted my confession. Im not student of iium. This is rather be depressing confession I’ll be confess. I have this anxiety since I was little. My anxiety become worse as I am getting into adulthood. My parents doesnt know this and ive never intend to tell them.
Sometime kalau saya nak cakap I will try sorting the words inside my head to avoid been judge. That’s also the things that I’m scared. Kena judge. Since little always stay at home and rarely have this social conversation with other children. Because I feel comfortable with my comfort zone. Time sekolah rendah sometimes kena bully by boys. Because I’m the only big girl in school. They would called me elephant and so on. I cried a lot that time.
My parents on the other hand always busy with work. Dulu time kecil me and my brother always been taken care by my other relatives. I still remember I would cry for my mum not to go to work because I’m scared of my aunts. They like to scare you and say something which a kid would cried. Because of that I would go run to anyone inside the house who I feel nicer to me. I become this kid who would follow around someone’s buntut. I’m kind of nakal when young because it is the way to protect my self. I have pretty bad tantrum. I still able to recall back although it’s already past.
My father would always mad at us if we do wrong. Puji?. Never. Nver have the emotional support from parents. Dorongan. Never. I still remember when I’m in high school. My homeroom teacher saw my drawings. Yes, I love drawing. He said to me I got nice drawings. That’s the first time I felt being accepted with my ability. I was flattered too. He did talked with my mum I got this talent with the smile on his face. My mum didn’t respond to it. My school exam results wasn’t that great. My father usually will mad at me. I’m not lazy. I just don’t have motivational. When I ask my mum how to do this or that of schoolwork. She would say go refer the textbook.
I don’t have a lot of friends. Only 2 3. Some of them are nice to me. When I’m feel comfortable my true color revealed. I can be talkative .talks about the things that I like and so on. I don’t talk much in school except with friends who I close with. Yeah introvert much. That time I don’t know much of being introvert. As far what I knew as long I’m comfortable what im with.
After spm was far the worse year. Depression happen. I stayed at home. Just drawing. My spm result wasn’t that good. Humiliated. Staying home is the best escape. Whenever there’s a kenduri etc. I told my parents I won’t go. I give a lot excuses. I’m just scared my aunts will ask this and that. I was emotionally breakdown that time and I don’t want to be compared with my cousins. I stayed home for one year doing none. I lost all contact with my friends. Especially my best friend. I didn’t open my Facebook in that year. I just don’t want people to find out what I’m doing. I did attempt to suicide. But I think of Allah and my parents. How will they felt if I’m gone. I just pendam it.
One year has past, I continued my studies in a private college which is far from my hometown, thanks to my aunt. College year was the year I’m getting to freshen-up-the-new-me. I got new friends. My true colour revealed. I was as cheerfully than before. I’ve never been this comfortable. My anxiety lower. But I still get irritable if people didn’t appreciate me. As year goes by. My closes friends quite one by one. My depression triggers again. I didn’t talk much in class and mostly I plugged my ears with earphone. One of my classmate said that I’m starting to become pendiam and malu. I still talk in class if necessary. I just don’t want people to say that I’m sombong etc. Saya cuba sebaiknye be as I once before. Tapi hati ni still takut. Scared kena made fun and being judged. I always being nice to people and I give compliments to them. So they won’t feel down. Sounded unfair only me being the angelic to people. I don’t mind at all. I rather see people happy than me being happy.
I wish how easy this anxiety would just go away. Social anxiety, depression. Now I’m still experience it. I do need someone’s help. I don’t want this to effect my future life. I pray to Allah to make me strong. Everyday i told myself you are placing with a test by Allah because Allah knows I can handle this . I’m sorry if my confession sounded so dramatic and so goes writing terabur. Because im driven with emotions now. But this is what I’m facing. I know there’s also people out there having the same problem. I wish for you seek happiness and stay strong.
– Anonymous
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