First of all, I am not studying in Malaysia. I study in the heart of London. Its been a few years now. But I am Malaysian. So I hope it could resonate with all of you. I don’t know/haven’t read anything written in english before, but Im still going to because I could express myself more honestly in English. I need not people to read, but need a place to vent and express in this lonely life of mine.
Ive been struggling with depression for years now. It never really went away, I just found a mechanism to cope with it. To hide away from it just so i could continue with my life.
At the worst of times, suicidal thoughts linger in my mind longer than it should be and it translated into actions. I tried to know what it feels like to drown, so I tried it in my bath tub. But i didn’t take my life away. Cause I can’t. I’m not allowed to. I would take pills, just so i could sleep it away and hoping that when i wake up, this feeling of hopelessness would fade away. But it didn’t and never did. I would stay in the dark, crying for hours and hours non-stop while thinking that I am a worthless person. Thinking that I am not successful enough in my studies as I am not the best.
Many people wont understand what it feels like to be depressed. It feels like, you are trapped in an uncaged world where you cant escape. In a world why you don’t even know why you exist and why God decided to make you. In a world where you feel so worthless and undeserving of anything. You just wanted this misery to end but you can’t. Its not that you don’t know how to, but you just can’t.
Depression is a real thing. It’s not sadness. It is a clinical illness. I just hope that people would be more understanding of it.
– The Black Dog
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