Hello, if you are reading this now, it means this confession got published and I can’t thank the admin enough. First, I’d like to apologize because I will use english instead of bm so a few grammatical mistakes might occur.
I’m an 18 years old student and I had been suffering from anxiety ever since I’m a kid. (Not professionally proven as I’m too afraid to tell my family) but I have almost all the anxiety disorder symptoms.
You see, although I’m a bit too young yet, I know it’s time for me to grow up and get rid of my anxiety. I’m not shy, it’s just that imagining myself talking to people can send me falling on the floor trying to control my heartbeat that went overdrive. I can’t even make a proper eye contact, let alone maintain a casual conversation with stranger.
Don’t be too sorry, I have friends whom I cherish and they all know how silly my true self is. But nobody know I’m suffering from social anxiety disorder, they all just thought that I’m shy and anti social. They are all good friends, it’s just that they aren’t quite open yet about this mental illness.
The problem is, today I saw a post of my ex classmate and I realised they all can go anywhere by themselves- cause they don’t have any problem talking to people. They can make friends within 1 month. While I took 8 months to fully open to a new friend.
I’am legally an adult, and I wanted to act as one. Especially since I’m aiming to get a job that require a lot of social skill in the future. It’s my passion, yet my social anxiety is holding me on. I wanted to change so bad. But it’s hard.
Please don’t tell me I’m a coward, I saw a post about this one girl from an IPTA are afraid to tell her roommate to go away, yet people bash her so hard as if she just comitted a sin.
Although I can stand by myself if someone tried to hurt me, I just can’t imagine a future where I can be social to everyone. Below are the problems I face every day.
1. Solo reading. When a lecturer told us to read a paragraph one by one, I had to count when is my turn and calm my heartbeat 20 minutes before my turn even arrive. It’s like you ran a marathon the entire time.
2. Grouping. I have no problem act professionally with strangers to solve a problem, but it drains me so much since I’m an introvert and the anxiety just make it worse and tiring.
3. Presentation. I hate this the most, I had to calm down my heart again and mentally repeat whatever I had to say hundred of times in my heart before I actually say it. I also had to mentally pray that my voice doesn’t sound shaky..
4. Walking alone. It feels like people are staring at me eventhough they don’t. It makes me twitches uncomfortably and I had to hold something so I can walk without fidgeting with my fingers.
5. Driving cars. I don’t think I’m a bad driver, but the anxiety of actually accidentally hurt someone making me feel lightheaded everytime I drive. It’s tiring and uncomfortable.
These are 5 most common problems I face everyday. I wanted to change so bad, yet I don’t know how. It may be because my low self-esteem. I hope you guys can tell me what can I do to raise my confident- without referring to psychiatrist of course. Thank you.
– Ihm (Bukan nama sebenar)
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