Bismillahi arrahman arrahim.
As hard as it is for me to write this confession here, I feel like I can no longer shoulder this burden that I have been carrying for years. I just feel so broken, so damaged. It is like I am just a numb entity trapped in a body.
I was born into what seems like a normal family. But people do not know what happens in my family behind closed door. People do not know the emotional turmoil I have ravaging inside of me. People do not know the things I went through, growing up in this family. No, I am not physically abused. But I am emotionally abused. By the people who are supposed to take care of me, love me, protect me. Everyday, day in, day out.
There was a point when I begged to God to just take my life. I wanted to die. I wanted everything to end. I was tired of choking on my own tears, crying under the streams of shower, weeping my eyes out in bed, swallowing everything in. I was tired of trying to justify what they did to me. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I am always wrong. Always.
Worst yet, I came up with something to run away from this mess, from this pretentious life. I started masturbating at such a tender age. I did not know it was masturbation at first, but eventually I learned. It was the only way I could feel good about myself. It was the only way to feel like somehow I am loved, and that somehow I am worthy of love. Every time an argument happens, every time I am treated like garbage, every time I am given nasty remarks, every time they hurt me, I would resort to masturbating. And later on I would cry and cry and cry, thinking how much God must hate me. I have repented before, but I kept masturbating again and again and again. I couldn’t help but think if God still loves me.
I just feel so…empty. Broken. Numb. Hurt.
How can I feel good about myself, when I’ve been growing up with people who tells me that I’m stupid, ugly, unworthy, retarded, wasted?
How can I have respect for men when the men in my life who are supposed to protect me, end up hurting me, mocking me, belittling me, abusing me? Mereka kata Islam memuliakan wanita, mengapa mereka merendahkan saya hanya kerana saya wanita? They made fun of me in public, tormented my emotions, and they demand respect? How can I ever respect them?
I feel like I am losing my sanity bit by bit every day. My heart just aches so much. It’s just worst when your family is well-known in your society, end people only expects good things from your family. They see your family as the happiest, the most exemplary. But they do not know what happens behind closed doors.
I feel like my only wish in life…is to die. I live everyday wishing I could die…I know this is ungrateful of me but I’m just so tired, so miserable. Please help me. I know I can never run away from my family, they’d never let me. What can I do to try to make things better? How do I not give up on God?
– Jane Doe
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