In the name of God.
It is hard for me to write this, to tell my story to the public, but I hope, other girls will learn from this, and do not repeat the same mistakes I did. InsyaAllah.
I’ve known A for almost 3 years now. Prior to A, i never had any boyfriend, somehow my heart had never opened up enough for someone else, until A comes along.
My love for him was unexpected. He was the opposite of what I wanted in a guy. But i fell hard, and fast. I care about him, I put him first in everything.
And when he promised to marry me, i feel complete. I feel like, alhamdulillah, this is what i have been looking for my whole life. He is my future, the father of my children.
Then, Allah tested me. We broke up due to some petty arguments. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I felt broken inside. It changed me to the fundamental level.
But you see, we were friends before we were a couple. He has depression, and all these while I was supporting him. I keep on supporting him, until now. His illness, and my support, made us closer than ever.
So, after we broke up, we become best friends. And being a complete girl I am, i was still harbouring hope that we will get back together. That hope leads to many sleepless night, many tears shed, many broken self esteem and many unanswered prayers.
Until it become a faith issue. I was angry at Allah. I became rebellious. I was devastated. Why Allah didnt answer my prayer? Why? Why Allah took back one thing I’ve ever wanted in life? I was very happy with him. I want him in my future. Why Allah closed that door for me? After A, I didnt have any room for anyone else in my heart. I can see A, and only A. I stopped praying.
I feel like what is the point of me praying, if Allah wont answer my prayers? Yes, it was until to that extend. But like people said, our Iman has its’ level – sometimes high, sometimes low. When I hit rock bottom, yes, I stopped praying. But when I feel good, i prayed again to Allah. Yes, I was that bad. My faith was shaken so much. Oh how I regret it now, compromising my faith because of one guy.
And alhamdulillah, after 1 year of tears and prayers, Allah show me what He has hidden from me.
What I did not know was, A is bisexual. After we broke up, he got into a relationship with a guy. Happily into the relationship, i might add. The other guy is a married man. They hide behind “abang and adik” relationship. And like a fool I was, I believe their lies. It’s a long story of how I know about their relationship, but enough to say I have enough evidence to say they have been living like “husband and wife” (or husband and husband?) since they met.
Again, it crushed me. I have no words to explain how his LGBT issue pains me. I become depressed too myself. Until I almost become suicidal. I can’t believe I got ditch over by a guy. I meant hello. I know I’m not a supermodel, but I don’t think I am ugly.
It broke me, since I have not once forgotten to mention his name in my prayers. Each and everytime I hold up my hand to pray to Allah, his name would be in it – for him to be able to fight his depression, for Allah to bless him, and for Allah to ease it if we are meant to be together. Allah.
Currently, our story is still being written. He still don’t know that I know his secret. And yes, we are still best friends. I still care about him, more than I can admit. His name is still in my prayers.
I know people would say what a fool I am for not ditching him and crushed him using this secret. Please do remember, there’s no right and wrong in every story. It’s always grey. If I could carved out my heart with his name on it and throw it away; or hate him with all my heart, and walk away for good, i would have done it a long time ago.
My purpose of writing this, is to ask for prayers from everyone reading this. I believe, Hidayah belongs to Allah. Our heart, is in His hands. If He wills it, people will change. So please, kindly pray for him. Pray that he will go back to Allah. Leave his LGBT, and repent. Don’t underestimate the power of sincere prayers.
I already let him go, insyaAllah. To see him happy, repent, back to Allah, is something I really would like to see in this lifetime. If his happiness include me, then alhamdulillah. If not, then insyaAllah. I will meet my soulmate, sooner or later. Pray for me too, thank you.
To all bisexual/gay guys out there, who are hiding behind a mask. I implore you, repent. Nabi tak mengaku umat. Allah laknat. Yes, I know about your activity. A lot of guys nowadays are bisexual, I was lead to believe. Even married ones, with children. On the sides, they slept around with other guys. Ikut nafsu. Allah. I can only imagine what the wife must feel if she knows.
Sungguh, Allah tak akan memungkiri janji.
Allah says, read the Quran, and learn from it what has happened in the past.
Have u guys forgotten about Prophet Luth and his men? How Allah crushed them for their transgressions?
Repent please. For we are not promised tomorrow. Who knows, this time tomorrow, we would be 6 feet under. How sad would it be, if we go back to Allah full of sins?
For A, if you happen to read this, and you know it’s me writing this, please do know that yes, I love you still. But I love you enough, to pray that you repent, and to let you go. You would be surprised if you know who told me about your secret. I believe that all your problems will dissapear if you repent, and go back to Allah. Ingat Allah please. I don’t judge you, and have never judge you, for your sins. My feelings haven’t change. It just teaches me the new meaning of love. Bertaubat lah. Please. Pintu taubat always terbuka luas, until the end of time.
– Emily
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit