Chasing Temporary Comfort

I don’t even know how to start. Tapi I kena luah benda ni. Flashback to a dark time. Masa tu I baru je breakup. It was bad. She left me, and honestly, I pun bukan boyfriend yang baik. Tapi I sayang dia gila.

Bila dia blah, I macam hilang arah. Never thought it would hit me that hard. I ingat I boleh handle, I ingat I tough. Tapi sebenarnya, I literally lost myself. Rasa kosong. I had a mental breakdown. That was the lowest point of my life.

Then, I did something really dumb. I reinstalled T*nder, reached out to people I used to be close with. Ajak lepak, minum, and yeah… hookup.

Pernah sekali, I slept with a stranger I kenal tak sampai dua jam. At first, I ingat boleh distract, boleh numb the pain. Tapi obviously, it didn’t work.

That night, lepas everything was done, I baring sebelah my FWB, pandang siling. Couldn’t sleep. Dalam hati, I tanya, “What the hell am I doing?”

Tapi somehow, I got addicted. I still buat lagi. And again. And again. Sex gave me an illusion of connection, walaupun I tahu it’s fake. It’s empty.

I still ingat that one night, I tengah chill, then muncul dua awek. Cantik, playful, total strangers. Supposed to be just another night to forget. We drank, danced, and I tak tahu pun nama diorang. Cuma ingat one of them ada butterfly tattoo dekat collarbone.

Diorang ajak “have fun” after party, and I was like, “Why not?” It had been months since I last had s*x. I tahu it was stupid, tapi masa tu I cuma fikir, “Whatever, lantak lah” I terdesak nak rasa alive.

We ended up in a room bertiga. No condom. Raw, messy, stupid. Honestly, I didn’t plan for anything that night.

A few weeks later, I started rasa tak sihat. Demam, sakit tekak, badan kejang. I ingat maybe hangover or tak cukup tidur. Tapi bila sakit tu makin worse, and bila I kencing, rasa pedih gila.

I started to panic. What if I got STD? HIV? I rasa macam Tuhan bayar dosa I cash. I cried and begged, “Ya Allah, kalau aku selamat… aku janji aku akan berubah”

I pergi klinik sorang-sorang. Buat full check-up. Blood test, swab, HIV screening. Had to sit there, explain everything I did to the doctor. The whole time, I rasa macam manusia paling hina.

Nurse tanya, “You okay ke?” I just fake a smile. Dalam hati, Tuhan je tahu. That one week waiting for results?

Bro, worst week of my life. I terperap dalam bilik, tak reply satu pun text. Just stared at the wall, wondering… kalau ini endgame I, dan I terpaksa pikul semua tu sorang-sorang? I was 21/22 at that time.

But guess what? Result keluar. Negative. Semua clear. Doctor cakap I just dehydrated, badan penat, and ada minor infection sebab low immunity. Maybe sebab I tak jaga makan and tidur. I was safe.

Tapi masa tu, I rasa macam Allah bagi I second chance. I keluar klinik, patutnya lega, right? Tapi I nangis. Dalam kereta, tepi parking lot. I cried like crazy. Bukan sebab I selamat, tapi sebab I realised how far I’d fallen.

I almost destroyed my life just because I tak boleh handle heartbreak. I thought casual s*x boleh fill the void in my heart. Since that day, I stopped everything. I janji dengan diri sendiri, “Enough”

Now, I cuba slow things down. Somewhere along the way, I jumpa someone new. Slowly, no pressure. We talk, share stories, laugh. Dia tak judge I. For once, I feel safe. I stick with one partner now. And most importantly, I belajar to love myself again.

I tahu ramai orang akan kecam. Cakap “padan muka” or maybe rasa I deserve it. Tapi I tulis ni bukan untuk simpati. I tulis sebab I tahu, kat luar sana ada orang macam I. Yang tengah lost.

If you’re reading this and you pernah buat benda sama, I nak you tahu. You’re not alone. Tapi please, don’t repeat it. Don’t risk your health, your soul, your worth for temporary comfort. I bersyukur I selamat, tapi not everyone gets that lucky.

– Adam (Bukan nama sebenar)

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