Assalamualaikum…. I just want to share what is actually deep inside my heart. I am tired of living in this world. I am tired living in this society. I am just tired.
I am a female at my 25 Single. Losing my soul. I am confuse. I hate myself. I feel like I have no more purpose living in this world. I wake up like zombie everyday. I was born an introvert.
I am very confident about it and I know it and I just want to be myself. Somehow my parents don’t really like my personality. I bet they dont really accept me for who I am. They always ask me to mingle around but I am just tired.
During my high school they throw me to the boarding school. I know it is for my future but little they know I have been bullied really bad. I don’t have a chance to tell them. I just can show them my ‘Smart, intelligent, and flying colour result’.
And when mingle around with extended family, either during hari raya, wedding or any family gathering event, I always be the centre of attention.
Frankly speaking, I hate that attention so much. I start to develop social anxiety. Whenever there’s a family function, event or occasion, everyone always look up to me and asking for my life update.
Just if u know that I hate that. I always dream of having a quiet life. Free from human attention. I am not a celebrity or what.
My siblings envy me for the attention I get. Dear siblings, I dont want this. If u guys wanna replace my place, like Malays proverb said, ‘Kecil tapak tangan, nyiru saya tadahkan’.
I just tired of being mom and dad trophy so they can brag about me to the other relatives. I know they didnt have that intention but u know what, I always feel like I have to work hard to fulfill your dream.
At my 25, I just realize that along my life, I am living your dream life. Not mine. Since high school until university, I just follow the path you chosen for me.
Alhamdulillah I succeed. But then I just want to say that along the journey, I was so lonely. I keep changing my friends and I am having a hard time keeping my friends by my side.
I dont have any good friends or best friends to hang out. I am so sad. Even my boyfriend dump me because I am smart women. Is it my fault to be a higher achiever person? I just want a friend. At least one friend to be by myside during my ups and down. But I have none.
Last 2 months, I was unemployed. My company made me resign because they couldn’t pay my salary.My mental health also really bad as working at home during Covid-19. Again I am sad. But life must go on.
The journey to search for another job, it is tiring. But what make me more tired is you and dad didn’t support me.
Both of u keep nagging to me eventhough my brother also got fired from his company. Lately I always questioning my existence. Why double standard treatment between son and daughter?
Just because I am always your trophy so you keep pushing me to search for another job. You were ashamed of me since I am being unemployed.
Now only I know that you just care for me when I have something for you to brag to other like my career. If not, you treat me like garbage. You compare me with my cousins who just got promoted to big position.
Day by day, I always feel like demotivated to just wake up and live.It seems like I dont see any hope living in Malaysia. All my job application have been rejected. I am at my lowest point of my life.
I dont know what to do with my life. I am just a losing soul. Dear God, gives me direction. I just a lonely creature who longing for your help.
Everyday I open my eyes with the hope that u take my life so that I dont have to bear the pain living in this world full of hatred, unnecessary competition and full of uncertain situation.
Dear God, if u heard my prayers, please give me a sign. I am just helpless creature who dont really know what to do with my life. I am just tired.
Everyday I heard voices in my head. To take my life. But I know religiously it is a big sin. I had to wear my earphone all day long so I didnt hear the voice. I am afraid of myself.
I talk to myself looking at the mirror. I saw another creature laughing at me with a smirk on her face. She said I am a loser. Am I a loser? I think I am going to lose my mind. Dear voice please stop. Dear readers, am I going to be crazy? Please help…
– Miss Hopeless (Bukan nama sebenar)
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