Thanks admin sebab approved. Sorry kalau tulisan aku berterabur dan campur-campur. Maaf sangat kalau tak faham. Aku tulis apa yg aku nk tulis.
Who am I? I am unknown. Nobody know me, nobody cares. Friend? No I’m not your friend. I’m just someone you know. I’m someone you won’t bother knowing, befriend, following or anything. Someone who past your timeline and you will skip every single time. You can bash me, despise me, hate me but I don’t mind and I don’t care. I don’t have time for sentiment or wallowing in self-pity. This is just me, I live my life.
I am a victim of depression.. Walaupun aku tak 100% sure sebab tak pernah buat checkup. Problem aku tak seteruk mana. Ramai lagi yang ada problem worse dari aku. I know that but that’s not how depression work. Maybe aku terlalu stresskan diri. Entahlah. It’s up to you to keep reading this or not. I don’t mind. Nobody did.
Aku mula sedar aku ada depression atau kemurungan ni sejak sekolah lagi. Aku berada di kelas paling depan (kelas terpandailah kt sekolah). Tapi aku lagi rapat dengan budak kelas belakang (kelas yang ramai budak sukan).
Aku ni tengah-tengah. Sukan 50, pelajaran 50. Walaupun aku rasa aku lagi better sukan. Dalam kelas aku la yang paling tak pandai. Aku selalu diabaikan cikgu-cikgu. They don’t care and ignore me or at least I feel that way. I start develop suicide thinking, but never have a gut to do so. I’ve tried self harm but not a fan. Tiap malam aku takleh tido, aku sedih memikir nasib aku.
Habis sekolah aku further study. Tapi tak lama lepas tu, my depression is getting worse and I quit my study. Lagi teruk aku dah start merokok (worse decision in my life). I feel worthless, cepat terasa sedih walaupun benda kecik.
After that aku masuk plak sebuah kolej lagi atas saranan ayah aku. Kat sini aku mula kenal dunia. I realize that I love my life and I start to fight back. I’m young and I want to be happy. I’ve tried every method possible, motivation, hypnosis and more. Tapi aku quit study gak. At this point you will think I am pathetic. You’re probably right, but bear in mind that I don’t care.
Lepas dah gagal 2 kali aku pikir nak kerja je. Tapi parent aku tak bersetuju and nak aku further study (aku bersyukur, I love my parent so much). Aku masuk 1 lagi kolej. I am getting better or I think I am. I get to know someone and we fall in love. We support each other getting through everything. Akhirnya, alhamdulillah aku habis gak diploma.
Kemudian aku sambung degree dekat negeri pantai timur, and I have typical mind set yg katanya orang sini teruk. So aku mula rapat dengan orang senegeri aku. Masa sem 4, aku diuji dengan benda yang paling teruk dalam hidup aku.
Takde angin takde ribut, budak yg aku rapat tu tetiba je fitnah aku. End up aku dipulau kengkawan lain, classmates, lecturer-lecturer or at least I feel that way (probably not true but as a depress person I can’t help it). Masa tu baru aku tau langit tu tinggi ke rendah.
Life aku sengsorang. Pegi kelas sorg, beli barang sorg, makan sorg. Tersangat-sangat lonely. I think I’m going crazy, I want to kill that budak yg fitnah aku. Aku tak sangka orang yang aku anggap sahabat sanggup buat aku mcmtu. I’ve learn my lesson, jangan mudah percaya orang. I don’t have anybody. I push everybody away. I breakup with my ex.
At one point aku dah rancang and getting too commit suicide. Tiap malam aku termenung tengok sungai depan rumah dan convinced to jump in (sungai cetek tapi masa tu musim tengkujuh paras air naik sangat dalam, I would surely die).
Tapi Allah tu Maha Kuasa. Tak sempat air sungai naik, bebudak pantai timur yang aku pandang rendah dulu ambik aku. Aku tak lagi sunyi. They treat me like their blood. I am very greatful. Next sem aku pindah duduk serumah ngan diorang. Sampai aku boleh ckp bahasa diorang dengan agak fasih. Diorang ajak aku dekat dengan agama. Free time kami di masjid. Tiap petang kitorang joging atau buat sukan lain. I feel alive. My thought about pantai timur’s people berpusing 360 darjah. My ex have move on but so am I. I start to fall in love again. I’ve found the love of my life and I love that person with all my heart (We will get married soon InsyaAllah). Thanks to that person for never giving up on me, always give me a chance everytime I mess up. I am greatful.
After degree, aku still contact bebudak pantai timur tu semua walaupun jauh. Tapi langit tak selalunya cerah. Diorang pun dah start ignore aku, katanya aku jarakkan diri. Aku tak sedar, i’m sorry. But for what it worth, thanks to them I am no longer weak. If they ever need me I will be there for them. I’ve learn something meaningful. I’ve grown. I am strong, I am going places and better, I don’t need to depend on anyone to be happy. I just don’t care of what people think of me as long as I feel great about myself. Also my family and my love always support me.
I am getting better. Everyday aku makin dekat dgn agama, aku bersenam bila free, I have new hobby and develop new passion. I feel peaceful, I feel healthy, I am happy, I am positive and surely greatful with my life now. I’ve start doing business. Kekadang diuji tapi aku dh tak lembik aku bangun and fight back. To those yg rasa mcm ada simptom-simptom depression jangan takut. Be strong, you are not alone. If you can, reach out for help. Check your mental health condition, talk to someone close and do whatever need to be done.
Aku? I am not cured from depression but I am better. I am a survivor.
– ANONYMOUS
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit