Assalamualaikum. Terima kasih kepada admin if kisah ini tersiar. First, I’m sorry because I will use both english and malay in this confession.
Depression is not something that one’s should take lightly about. I am a depressed person, but dalam proses pemulihan. A depressed person will always know deep in their heart they will never recovered 100%. Why? Sebab depression can attack anytime and anywhere walaupun tengah happy.
I’ve read previous confession about how the girl hari-hari fikir nak mati. I’ve been there. I’ve lost my father too. Let me tell you a bit about my family. I have my siblings but tak pernah rapat pun dengan dorang. We live like a strangers. Having a strict parents, pun menyebabkan aku tak rapat dengan parents aku.
After I completed my degree, sementara tunggu panggilan kerja, I finally tried to be closer to my parents especially my dad. Tapi takdir Allah, He took him when I was about to become closer to him and tak puas pun bermanja lagi. I was very devastated and tak boleh terima kenyataan for months. Hari-hari sedih. Hari-hari fikir nak mati.
Then I got a job. People around me are so nice so I’ve slap a smile on my face and act normal around them. But when I was driving home, when all the energy has been used at the office, time tu lah mental paling lemah and berharap somehow I will die in accident. Kadang-kadang rasa nak pulas stering langgar divider. It took me a great energy to fight those thoughts.
Some people might ask, why do I depressed for so long and kenapa sampai nak bunuh diri? Because of regrets. Penyesalan tak berpenghujung terhadap arwah abah aku. Aku bukan anak yang baik. Tak sempat lagi nak berbakti kepada ayah aku.
Sebelum orang tanya, aku islam. solat cukup 5 waktu. Hari-hari mengaji. It is not about iman tak kuat ke apa. It can happen to anyone. And sekarang aku dah boleh terima abah aku dah takde.
Not a soul in my family or relatives know about this and I hope they will never know.
Alhamdulilah sekarang aku dah slow-slow berubah ke arah baik. Those thoughts about killing myself dah tiada. It took me 3 years untuk buang pemikiran sebegitu. Alhamdulillah, aku bahagia dengan hidup aku sekarang. I’m glad I didn’t commit suicide.
And here is my tips:
1. Sometimes when you feel like taknak keluar bilik and duduk atas katil menangis the whole day, buat je. Biarkan perasan itu keluar. But don’t take too long or it will consumed you.
2. After that, mula dengan langkah kecil. Go force yourself bangun dari katil and take a shower. A hot and nice shower. Seriously akan rasa a bit better.
3. Kalau tak pernah solat, cuba solat sikit-sikit dulu. Dah lama cuba lengkapkan 5 waktu and maintainkan (for muslim). Minta doa banyak2 kat tuhan. Bagi petunjuk and kuatkan hati.
4. Start exercise. Cuba jalan-jalan area rumah ( I know this is very hard to for orang yang tgh depressed, but if tak boleh jalan2 naik turun tangga pun okay. As long bangun and jalan. And after that start exercise sikit-sikit. Bila badan sihat automatically diri pun happy. Jauhkan diri dari makanan tak sihat.
5. Start cari activity yang boleh enjoy. Tengok english series ke or kdrama. Berbasikal ke or main sukan. Bila badan penat, otak tak fikir benda negative, and tidur pun lena.
6. Reach out. Cari orang yang boleh bantu kita or paling kurang dengar masalah kita. I am lucky because my friends semua memahami diri aku and sangat-sangat membantu. Bila dah luah, insha Allah rasa lega. If takda manusia pun, ingat Allah sentiasa ada mendengar keluhan kita.
7. And ingat, somehow and somewhere ada orang yang sayang kita out there. Kita je yang tak tahu. And please wait because there is someone who are glad because you are born and still alive in this world.
Untuk orang-orang yang mengalami depression macam aku, aku nak cakap. Be strong because good time will come. Janji Allah itu pasti. If korang rasa takde sapa sayang korang, aku sayang korang deeply in my heart walaupun aku tak tahu kewujudan korang and tak kenal pun korang. Take a baby step and keluar dari kepompong depresi. I am here rooting for you guys. Akhir kata, mohon
maaf kalau ada salah silap and untuk korang yang tahu siapa aku, keep my identity as secret. Thank you.
– Lost Soul
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit