Assalamualaikum and hai. Firstly, thanks admin approve confession ni (kalau diapprove la. kalau tak…tabahlah wahai diri).
Secondly, kenala introduce diri sendiri kan kalau nak mulakan cerita? Okay. Ceritanya bermula begini. Saya pelajar di sebuah university di bahagian barat peta dunia. Baru 3 tahun duduk sini. So bila study oversea ni selalu la dapat ayat macam “Bestnya study oversea” atau “Bestnya jalan-jalan melancong sana sini”. Memang best pun ahaha. Taapii…ada downfallnya. Sama macam apa yang saya fikir pasal kawan-kawan yang study local. Bila bukak insta, fb semua bahagia ja nampak. Lagi-lagi geng-geng sebaya semua dah grad, dah kerja dan paling penting dah kahwin. Tapi sekarang ni motif confession ni bukan nak buat perbandingan bagai, just nak cerita pasal diri saya yang berseorangan di bumi asing ni. Actually, takda la berseorangan sangat. Ada la a few Malaysians. Tapi serious boleh kira dengan jari ja. And mostly postgrads yang dah berkeluarga. Eheh.
Sekarang kita putar balik masa kepada 3 tahun lepas. Masa mula-mula sampai sini tu, excited dia hok kalah saintis-saintis yang buat penemuan baru. Semua benda nampak cantik dan menarik. Almaklumla, first time jejak bumi asing. Boleh katanya memang jalan sikit snap gambar, jalan sikit snap lagi. Hari-hari nak keluar rumah nak meneroka tempat baru. Oh by the way time ni belum start kelas lagi ya bukan ponteng. Jangan risau taxpayer, duit anda tidak sesekali akan disia-siakan. Seminggu kemudian, kelas pun bermula. 2 weeks into the semester, kami kena buat presentation. Tapi ini group work la so macam everything went smoothly. Lepas tu kami diberi project which we need to work out individually. Ini……permulaan kisah kelabu dalam hidup saya (bukan hitam sebab rasanya tak cukup gelap kot).
Masa nak bentang first project tu, i got a nervous breakdown. It was like i got all sweaty, my sight turns hazy, my hands are shaking, I didn’t even know what I was talking about at that moment. Speech yang dah diprepare semua ke laut dah. Tak tau la apa masalahnya time tu. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done public speaking a lot. Ever since primary school. So that was the first for me. In the end, I burst into tears, in front of all my lecturers and colleagues. Nasib baikla mereka ni baik hati so takda sapa rakam dan viralkan. Eheh. Dan nasib baik presentation kali tu tak digraded because I think I cried for like an hour or so. And that event became a trauma for me.
Since then, setiap kali nak present I became anxious. Yeah, what I study requires me to present a lot and what makes things worse is that all these presentations are graded. So I got really really frustrated with myself. Selalu jugak la kalau nak present, adala dalam beberapa hari (kadang-kadang dekat seminggu jugak), mesti susah nak tidur dok pikir macam mana nak present. Lama kelamaan I started to distance myself from the society, just because I don’t want to talk. The friends I used to hang out with, I don’t talk to them anymore. The guy I’m in a relationship with, I don’t call or text him anymore (and ended our 2 years plus relationship). And things got worse during winter break. Tak tau la sebab winter ke apa kan. Ya la, orang sini kan asal winter je depress. Ahaha. But really, I isolate myself completely. Takdanya keluar melancong sana sini. Dok diam-diam bawah duvet (selimut).
Then, it started to affect my studies. My results were bad. Time tu hidup macam nyawa-nyawa ikan dah. Lagi-lagi saya ni budak scholar, bila-bila masa ja boleh kena panggil balik Malaysia. Kalau kena balik, nak pikir hutangnya yang nak kena ganti balik, nak pikir bertahun prep bertahun study sia-sia gitu ja, nak pikir mana nak sambung studynya, mana nak cari duit nak sambung study, pikir parents dapat anak yang menyusahkan macam saya ni, serious masa tu memang rasa nak gila dah. Memang sebijik macam telur di hujung tanduk. Angin tolak sikit ja boleh habis hancur pecah berderai. The anxiety was killing me. And I don’t have anyone to talk to, even to my family. Because they were expecting so much of me. And it got to a point of wanting to kill myself…like seriously. I’ve been staring at knives thinking how good would it be to feel the pain on my skin rather than in my heart, I thought of crossing the road slowly so that a car would just run over me. Syukur sangat-sangat masih ada iman, kalau tak….
Then I realise, if everything starts with myself then I need to end things myself as well. Nak kumpul keberanian to accept the fact that I’m in a state of depression tu satu, nak cari keberanian untuk meminta pertolongan tu cuma tuhan ja tahu. If I could meet myself back then, I would really give myself a pat, a hug or just whatever because I really did a great job (nak menangis kejap). The psychologist I talk to suggest me to open up, if not to human, to animals because you see, animals have this magic power to heal people. So I started volunteering with a cat shelter. Dia punya perasaan tu tak terhurai. Tak kisahla cuci kandang ke bagi makan ke…the cats really help to put the life in me, to pull me together when I fell apart.
So did I get cured from my depression and anxiety? I would say no, not yet. But it gets better now if we were to compare, though my mental state is still as fragile. Saya masih lagi menyendiri but not completely. Dalam seminggu dua tu ada la kadang-kadang text kawan ke, sesekali keluar makan-makan but I guess I am too comfortable being alone now that it takes time but I will get to it insyaAllah. Slowly, but surely.
So my point is untuk siapa-siapa yang going through the same as me, you are not alone. You have your parents, your siblings, your friends and most importantly you have God with you. Talk to them. Find something that you love that could distract you, be it art, music or simply cats (like me). Dan untuk mereka-mereka yang lain, tolonglah jangan assume yang anxiety and depression as mengada-ngada or x cukup agama or whatever. If they are trying to open up with you, do not reject them. Listen to them. Kalaulah korang tahu the effort for them to start the move, macam-macam award korang akan bagi ahaha. Really, people should realise that mental health is as important as physical health, if not, more.
So this is me and my typical life story. Sekian terima kasih.
p/s: sorry la panjang sangat. Dah terbiasa tulis essay beribu-ribu perkataan. Ehehe
– Azi
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit