Long story short, i was s**ually har***ed. For almost a year. By a close (same gender) friend. Kept it between me and myself as i thought i was wrong too.
I thought it was my fault too. I thought i was into it as well. To many more. So many things happened along the way but that’s that.
Lost memories, lost confidence, lost my mom (kena palau for a year as well when she found out), lost my friends (as i was kept secluded from contacting anyone (my phone was confiscated and also not having any social means,
By any means (though i did try to pecah keluar rumah pergi cc but that besides the point)), lost my chance of pursuing my studies at my beloved university. Basically, i was left with nothing. But allah. And you know, when you have allah, you have everything you need.
Allah is the only reason i went out alive (duh, obviously). Continued my study somewhere else. And somehow i was about ready to move on with my life when everything started to collapse, again. But i guess, this time around it’s for good.
Opened up to another close friend (may allah bless this friend, forever and always), and then i figured out that i was not to be blamed.
The perpetrator tricked me into all this, let me be confused, and ruined everything inside out. Hard to accept me myself but, for four months straight we’ve been talking and talking and talking, it was made clear that i was a victim.
I kept on reaching out, and a lot of things were to be ruled out. Antaranya, no one would stand up for me.
As the perpetrator tak nak bertanggungjawab apa-apa. Walau setelah it was quite clear that i was victimized, i was treated the same as if i was the perpetrator. Malah mungkin worse. Because i face all the consequences, but si durjana live free. Di dunia saja lah but still.
But anyway, what brings me here is that the fact that-
Not everyone is capable of understanding what you’ve been through, until they themselves have been through of some sorts. Itu pun belum tentu lagi.
Banyak benda i boleh cakap dekat sini. Tapi takut sudahnya hilang focus tak sampai point. So let me put it this way.
Kepada trauma survivors, i just wanna say:
1. I’m proud of you no matter who you are, what you’ve been through, what it made you, how damaged you feel, i’m proud of you for staying alive, fighting all sorts of battles people know nothing about. Keep breathing. Keep living. Keep doing what is right.
2. I figured out that most people memang allergic dengan benda past. But i just wanna say, it’s okay if you want to toleh belakang, cuba faham apa dah jadi,
But after that do try to accept that it did happen, and learn to be better at your own pace. Mungkin analogy that i can put here is macam runtuhan bangunan.
It’s okay untuk angkat segala serpihan dan bongkah batu besar yang dah runtuh berkecai tu, (and that truly takes time and effort and may hurt you etc.) Untuk tengok kalau-kalau ada mangsa yang tersepit yang masih hidup di celah-celah runtuhan bangunan tu.
But still, kalau yang kita jumpa hanya jenazah yang tak lagi bernyawa pun, kita tetap ambil, dan sempurnakan pengebumian setakat yang mampu.
So, anggapkan runtuhan bangunan tu as those tragic incidents in your life, orang yang tak rasa mungkin akan kata, toleh belakang buat apa, dah runtuh dah pun, bukan boleh buat apa, what they did not know is that,
Kita masih belum process pun bahawa bangunan tu dah runtuh, nampak jenazah bergelimpangan pun, kadang kita masih terpinga-pinga dekat situ.
Kita masih nak toleh belakang, nak korek bawah timbunan runtuhan, kalau ada yang masih bernyawa, orang luar kata tak payah, jalan terus, bina bangunan baru and so forth. My dear, i’m sorry kalau you happened to hadap orang-orang macam ni.
Maybe there’s some truth dalam apa yang mereka katakan, tapi i dekat sini cuma nak cakap, kalau rasa nak toleh belakang, do toleh belakang, sorot balik parut tu, faham tajam apa yang dah lukakan kita.
I think i dah melalut but point is, nothing wrong dengan cakap soal benda dah jadi.
Untuk faham. Untuk terima. Dan kemudiannya untuk lepaskan dia pergi. Maaf andai salah bicara, cuma i bukan promote untuk we stuck in the past, cuma the fact that kita boleh stuck tu to me is because memang ada benda tak settle, cuba resolve dan faham that it happened.
And then, insyaallah, you can let it go. I faham kalau kata takde orang nak dengar benda dah lama, benda dah jadi, benda dah tak boleh buat apa, dan i’m sorry. Insyaallah counselors and therapists sedia membantu.
But i do hope, you would have, sorang pun jadilah, whom you trust, and boleh nak dengar pasal benda in the past.
3. Allah bagi setakat yang kita mampu saja, as for me, i nak rasa yang kalau benda tu patut i boleh terima, i akan boleh terima, i’m not used to forcing myself benda berkaitan hati ni.
Point is, kalau rasa tak boleh terima, cari point mana yang jadi tak boleh terima, try resolve it, tengok dari different perspective maybe,
Again i’m sorry kalau dekat step ni, tetap di sana sini di kanan kiri orang kata move on lah let go lah benda dah jadi, tengok benda sekarang. Again, i’m sorry. Orang tak faham the flashbacks is ongoing,
Kesan dia present. Kesan dia live within you. I’m sorry that people could not understand better. But point is there. Rasa ada benda yang tak boleh terima, cari tahu apa dia, dan cari tahu kenapa tak boleh terima.
4. Bila dah tahu dekat mana yang slack, dekat mana yang menentang values kita, dekat mana yang tak boleh terima, know that some things in life, memang kita tak boleh terima,
(Tak gila nak kata dekat orang palestine, terima saja lah kena jajah) so macam tu lah. (they will fight and they should fight and they may lose (in our eyes) but ketahuilah kemenangan mereka pada tidak putus asa.)
Dan mungkin tak semudah itu, but point is there, ada benda memang tak boleh diterima. And when that happens, terima kenyataan tu. Dan in a way, maaf i sebut, persetankan apa orang kata, bukan dia yang kena.
(contoh, i tak boleh terima my close friend yang i sayang tergamak buat macam ni, dan memang benda tu tak patut diterima pun, so be it, berdamai dengan kenyataan bahawa something unacceptable intolerable unbelievable dah jadi.
And that’s it. Redha dengan ketentuan allah atas i, bukan redha dengan jenayah dan dosa, sebab kadang bila orang kata suruh terima, i jadi backfire, it was not even acceptable.
How dare you expect me to let go of something that is yet to be accepted. So my mistake is i thought nak kena terima benda tu mentah-mentah, tapi taklah, bila i dah nampak yang sebenarnya kena terima bahawa benda yang unacceptable dah berlaku, that quite helps.)
Tahu apa nak diterima insyaallah you akan boleh terima. And memang dekat situ ada a very fine line. Takpe. Cuba. Take it easy. Slowly. Insyaallah.
5. Just nak cakap, usaha itu tugas kita as hamba. Hasil allah tak tanya. Kadang kita memang dah cuba, dan memang itu tugas kita. Hasil bukan tugas kita menentukannya. It’s okay. You’ve tried. Benda nak jadi.
6. Sekali lagi, chin up and rise above whatever happened yea?
Kepada sesetengah pihak berkuasa yang tidak amanah, belasungkawa saya sembahkan.
1. I reached out, i reached out a lot. Dan ya, hanyalah setelah dua tahun kejadian berlaku. Shame on you guys kalau kalian mahu katakan benda ni dah lama, maka case closed.
2. Banyak benda boleh tackle dekat sini namun secara rangkumannya, ketahuilah berapa ramai mangsa yang menderita akibat kalian yang pentingkan diri.
3. Case closed? Senangnya hidup. Kenapa? Nak jaga nama institusi? Malas panjangkan cerita? Ya saya. Tak panjang pun, settle pendek dekat mahsyar nanti saja. Are you even human?
4. Dalam banyak-banyak kes yang ada, berapa ramai saja yang nak ke depan buat laporan, berapa ramai pula yang diambil tindakan, berapa ramai pula yang pulang kehampaan?
5. Atas dasar benda dah lama? Sangat tak sensitive dan langsung tiada hati perut. Benda memang ambil masa nak faham. Belum nak terima. Dah terima baru boleh ambil tindakan.
Mangsa tak bodoh lah nak buat laporan benda belum jelas. And figuring out what things are/ were take up loads of time. Ingat apa?
6. Soal bukti, saya tak nafikan. Benda bukan senang nak buktikan. Berapa ramai yang boleh nak simpan bukti solid. Too bad lah kan, tuduhan pula memang berat, jadi memanglah kena buktikan sekukuhnya. Itu saya faham.
Tapi setidaknya jalankanlah siasatan. Bukanlah dari mula terus tolak kata case closed. Itu saja lah. Bukan sedari awal tak cuba buat apa-apa.
Itu saja kut rasanya, buat pembaca yang pegang watak sebagai pemerhati/ orang kebanyakan yang tak pernah terlibat (dan semoga terus tidak terlibat),
The best i can say is, kalau ada mangsa reached out to you, the last thing you would want to do if you thought of doing something helpful is, shutting them up and discouraging them, true, perlu untuk teruskan hidup,
Tapi faham satu perkara, these nightmares live within them, for you to say to them to let bygones be bygones is to disregard their whole existence. The traumas is in them. Bersatu mendarah daging.
True. You are not your past. True people with the worst past sometimes create the best future, but. Barang dimengerti, their past is what made them today.
Bagilah dia faham apa dah jadi, biarlah dia nak cakap pasal parut dia. Kau saja yang rasa its a scar, to them its a freaking bleeding wound.
Dia tak faham pun lagi apa yang dah lukakan dia. Dia tengah find out lah tu. Tengah faham. Nanti dia dah faham, dia tahu lah nak heal. Tu saja.
Takde makna dia nak sengaja sengaja buat something painful. They may cry they may breakdown masa dia cerita, tapi that’s fine, dia tengah nak faham tu. Bukan dia suka-suka nak relive all that.
Just, this once, or twice, or maybe few times, dia nak cakap, nak lepaskan, beban yang disimpan keseorangan. Tu saja. Kalau rasa tak boleh dengar, politely bagitau. Cakap kau yang tak boleh dengar, bukan dia yang jangan cakap. Tu saja lah.
Above all, semoga allah selamatkan semua yang membaca dari segala mara bahaya dan kecelakaan dunia akhirat. Thanks for your time. Semoga bermanfaat.
Side note:
To victims out there: benda ni quite confidential (of course,) and semampu boleh, pilih-pilih lah dengan siapa you nak cerita, bimbang being taken advantage (may allah protect us all).
Jalan keluar, well i don’t know, get married i guess. May allah ease everything. And juga point penting, being a victim is not a license for you to victimize others.
Please. And thank you. I know the struggle, keep trying your best. I have had no idea how does this thing work, but if possible, do reach out to me in case you need it, i don’t know how but i’ll be there if you need me. In sense of you know, rasa nak moral support or such.
Berbahagialah. Allah ada. Allah tahu semua ni.
Another side note:
What truly brings me here is because i terkilan uia anggap case closed. (also found out sebelum ni pun dah pernah ada dan ya, kena brush off macam tu saja. Atas alasan apa, that was not clear. Tapi bottom line, case closed. Begitu sahaja.)
Option lain is i lodge police report but i think i need support which i don’t have (yet(?)) so yeah.
Thanks for reading.
Special thanks pada admin yang publish.
Yang hancur punah retak sejuta,
– im. (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit