Im sorry if theres typo and sorry for the bad english.
So this is about myself. Im 20, a student and i have been living in darkness for a long time until i cant stand with it anymore and started to really end my life. Or what they called, suicide attempt.
My parents divorced and im living with my mom, lil sis and big bro. So whenever my mom working, my big bro abused me. There one time where my uncle did the same thing. And im just innocent 9,10 years old kid at that time. Im scared and cant think straight and i dont have anyone to seek help.
So, i do read all about the depression article but i dont have any guts to seek help. So all the problems and whatever things that stressed me out, i just keep it all by myself. I have been a victim of sexual abuse while in my childhood and also physical by my own blood brother.
So until we moved with our grandma. That things stop. It stop when im turn 11. Alhamdulillah, Allah save me. But shit, that things wont wipe out from mind. It still make me trauma. Im scared. So i guess my depression getting worst while im living with grandma and also.
Also with my uncle and aunty. My mom married to a new guy so i guess he is my new father, my stepfather. So i lived separatedly from my mom and dad(?), but our house just next to each other. Lol. But still im living with a new family. So this time, i had go through verbal abused.
So both my uncle and aunty kinda talk something shitty like unmatured person and always saying that we r just “menumpang” and dont have to pay anything. Like how lucky we are. Im just 11,12 years old kid at the moment. What they hoping for? Im sad and hurts a lot. And i have been living with them until now. And im the person who loves to skip school. A LOT. And my academic is kinda average even im in top class in school. Im excellent while in primary school, got straight as but i guess high school are not..
Im doing fine at high school until i turned 16, i had go through bullies at school. Damn, my life suck. Its already bad being at home and now at school too? Before this i skip school because i feel ashamed about myself going to school but at the moment, its because im scared going to school.
Not a physical bully but verbal and cyber. It hurts a lot, damn really hurts me because one of the bullies is my bestfriend(?) who i assumed she is a bestfriend and we are close since we are 13. The things happened only in my class. Worst things, 90% of girls in my class are the bullies.
Im hopeless. Im useless. I dont have anyone to talk to. Im telling my mom, i want to change school but all she asked me “u still want to go to school or just quit?” those make me more depressed than ever until the suicidal ideation came up. It when im still 16. I start to look at the kitchen knife.
But im trembling and dont have the guts to do anything. But by watching the knife really make me relaxed A LOT. The worst thing selfharm i did is just punch the wall and also bump my head on the wall, to vent out my anger and sadness.
So one fine day, the bullies thing finally stop after i told the teacher but i never told who involved. Damn, im really a kindhearted person. Lol. The teacher just scolded them. THE END of the bullies.
But i kinda cant get off the situation from my mind. They stop but we are not becoming friend. They never apologised too. So i end up alone and i super fucking hate being at school. So no wonder my spm result suck. There things happened when im losing control with them.
Im vent out bad words in really bad manners towards them infront of my teacher and all my classmates blamed me again for being too emotional and saying i shouldnt doing that. Damn i wished they are in my shoes. But i really felt guilty because of that bad words i vent.
So during that bullies going on, im off for a week to Langkawi. So at one point, i really want to jump into the sea at the jetty point. Im really going to do that REALLY REALLY REALLY want to jump. But i dont know how, Allah stops me. Im not scared of anything but i dont know. At the moment, i just want to die..
And im becoming better muslim start from that.. I got new friend, she the one who helped me a lot.. Im reciting a lot more quran, i never ever skip a prayer and im doing sunnah prayer too. And after spm, i went to religious school (pondok) to learn more about Allah and Islam itself.
At the school, i got lots of friends, lil sis and big sis.. Im so happy eventho im still depressed but unfortunately, im going through a new hardship. Im just knowing that my family, my mom side had “saka”, and that things have been with me for a long time and just showing up itself. Im sick and always ‘histeria’ untill i need to get out from that school. :(
So i went to Islamic treatment and yeayh that things is really hard to remove. Because im already depressed, it will be easier to be close or be with me. I really only rely onto Allah.. May Allah give me a healthy mind and body one day.. Pray for me :’)
And my depression really getting worst right now because im just further my studies far from home, alone. Really alone. I dont have any best friend to talk. Really dont have anyone and at my campus, im really alone except in class, i do had nice friends. But im alone in my room at my rented house right now.
Im living with others but it really hard to meet them. They are in different university. And im really alone. This things finally turned at one point where i finally decided to release my pain by self harm, cut my hand and it get worst day by day. 2 weeks after that, i really started to give up with my own life.
So im really suicidal at the moment, i choose drugs overdose because for me it less pain and it is the easiest way to do. But that thing really react slowly than i expected. I had done this before but i know i will not going to die because i just took the min dose, it just pain a bit past day. But now, im vomiting a lot and my abdomen where my liver is really in pain and i decided to go to clinic the next day.
So at first im telling the doct im in pain but not telling the true story. Im hesitated. But finally i told everything and cried a lot. The doct decided to send me to big hospital and let the doct there do next step and let me being helped. Im really in blank thoughts, hopeless & lonely.
So im in red zone for mental condition and in there like 3 hours and being diagnosed by 4 to 5 doctors and they asking the same questions. Like new 5 people talked to u and they know nothing about u. I dont know why they did that. Im just tired and in pain so im not really give the whole cooperation.
And i diagnosed as MDD and because of my suicide attempt, im being warded.
I never told the doctors the whole story of my life. Im ashamed of myself and embarassed to tell what really happened in my life. Because theres male doctor that diagnosed me. So im just saying that im alone and stress. I just want to die. To end the pain but im scared as fuck to really die alone in my room at the moment.
So im in phys ward just for 2 day. We r like a robot in there. No underwear or anything. At first, the nurse will check ur whole body, like without any clothes on. I think they did that because just want to make sure im telling the truth.
All the door are locked. And we are being watched for 24 hours. Day and night they will noted every single things we did. But some of them are nice. I mean the staff and in the ward, there are skizo and bipolar patient, they in great condition at the moment so they not attacking me. Thank god they take their meds.
And i think im the only one who pray in the ward. So i guess that the reason i can discharged early. The food and treatment are really good in there. The staff really nice.
They give me a lot of motivation. But untill this moment im just acting in front of the staff. Whenever i want to cry, i hold on. And im talking a lot to the staff while smiling a lot and the phy specialist check on me the next day and alhamdulillah i get discharged. Because im smiling and the depression i had dont really affected my normal life. But yeayh, im living a normal life but im suicidal…
My family kinda shocked at first. And i got scolded by my uncle saying im uneducated person. Lol so i guess there are no depression in educated person? But my mom really supportive. Also my big sis and lil sis. They say nothing. Really nothing. So i guess its really awkward.
So the doctors and my family only think that im depressed because of my new place and because im lonely here and also because that saka things. But no, im already depressed since childhood moment. And that saka things and surroundings make my condition worst.
Up till now, i dont have the guts to tell my doctor what had happened actually. So at my first appointment after being discharged, i go through CBT, a therapy because i refused meds. Im just showing my diary that full of my negative thoughts. Its all about suicide ideation.
And they want to warded me AGAIN. shit. I dont want that. Eventho evrything nice but its kinda boring and the bathroom dont have any lock. Lol. So after 3 doctors discussed about me, they ask my mom to sign a paper, in case something happened to me, the doctors will not taking the blame.
So they just put me on meds for 4 days and set up new appointment. So my mom brought new ustaz and yeayh, that saka and also other things got removed after i got “histeria” again. Well, yeayh that ‘jin’ really want me to suicide. Well thats their job btw. To make me join them in hell soon.
But 2 days after that i started to develop new symptom im not sure wether because i stop my meds or because that ‘jin’ came back again. I heard voices in my inner head “u are a burden for ur family, commit suicide.” and that was the night before my next appointment. The next day, im lying to my doct. Im smiling again. .
So alhamdulillah i got a malay muslim doctor. So they trust me. Im saying im okay and not feel suicidal anymore. Even the specialist is a muslim malay. So i gained their trust after 2 doctor and 1 specialist being there during my therapy session. And again i gained their trust by saying im in a condition that no need any meds :) eventho they hard to believe at first because my blood pressure reading was 154/100 :’)
So they put me in counselling session next with a counselor. Its next week. I dont know wether i need to keep acting for the sake of my final, its also next week and my mom. Or just telling truth that im suffering. And i really need help. But i dont want to be warded. I think meds is enough.
My appointment with the doct changes weekly to monthly from meds to no meds. But yeayh. Weekly counselling. Im helpless. What i think right now are selfharm, suicide and also… my final. Thats all. Only final.. That keep me strong till now. :’)
But still, im scared telling the doctors about the new symptom. Im scared being warded again because my final is next week, just 2 days after my first counselling session. I just want ask my doct for meds to avoid me to keep thinking or heard inner voice in my head about suicide stuff….
But still, the appointment with the doctors is at the end of this month. And im helpless and hopeless right now. For now, i just sleep with sharp things and it make me feel relaxed. I dont know and i did selfharm but only a little for now. Not that deep and just a short tiny lil scratch. :’)
I can study and scored well on my final. Last sem i got 4.00 but at this new place and new sem.. I dont know. Im hopeless. I want to study but theres like something stop me from study. I can only study well at my campus but when i went back home, i cant focus on anything.
What i did is laying on my bed and on my phone all day… until next day coming. But yeayh i do eat pray and showers like a normal person. :) but im feeling alone and hopeless. I feel zero. Blank thought. Poor me. :’)
The doctor told me before if i feel suicidal again, dont hesitated to come to the hospital. Lol its far and cost lot of money going to hospital. And if i go i know i will end up in the ward again. Damn. I need to do my lab, test and quiz. So there no free time until my final begin :(
What should i do now? :'(
– Cik Turqoise
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit