Fetish Jijik Si Dia

I’m literally shaking while tulis semua ni. Dada I rasa sesak, and I just can’t keep it in anymore. Kalau tak luah, I swear I’ll lose my mind.

Dia pernah jadi dunia I, tempat paling selamat. But now, I cuma rasa kosong dan takut. How did it come to this? I tak tahu lah nak start dari mana. I don’t even know how we ended up here.

We’ve been together for a long time, and dulu, dia macam everything I wanted. He seemed like the perfect guy I ever known. His family was extremely wealthy, rumah besar, kereta semua luxury. Always bawa I makan dekat tempat mahal even though kita student je.

Dia bayar all my stuff, bagi I branded items, bawa pergi travel overseas. Dia cakap nak kahwin I one day, and I used to blush. I honestly believed him. I felt so special. And dia? Ya Allah, good-looking gila, tall, charming. Semua orang cakap I bertuah dapat boyfriend macam dia.

Tapi sekarang, I’m not so sure. Rasa macam dia psycho in disguise, and I’m damn scared. Maybe ni dia punya real face, and I yang bodoh tak nampak.

It started dengan benda kecil yang I ignore. Like that time ada junior bagi I love letter, so sweet sampai I takut nak pergi kelas. I told him, expecting dia marah ke, jealous ke, or cari budak tu.

Tapi dia just ketawa, siap pergi jumpa junior tu, borak macam member. “Your taste not bad, she’s hot kan” he said, like it was nothing.

At first, I thought maybe he’s just that confident. But now I realise, that was actually a red flag. Dia tak kisah sebab dia suka tengok orang lain minat I.

I perasan dia suka gila baca komen lelaki dekat Instagram I. Bila I post selfie atau gambar apa-apa, dia scroll satu-satu komen, especially yang dari random guys cakap “Cantik gila” or “Body lawa” He smiles, excited. “Tengok ni, semua gila kat you” he said.

I thought he was proud of me. Dia pernah suruh I post gambar seksi, “Biar ramai komen” katanya. What the hell? Dia bukan protect I, dia nak jadikan I barang pameran.

Dia selalu ajak I pergi swimming, and I thought it’s cute, macam date yang romantik. Tapi every time, dia suruh I pakai bikini ketat, nipis sampai basah nampak semua. Bayang lah, I macam separuh bogel. I cakap I malu, tapi dia pujuk “You look so hot, babe”

Sebab I sayang dia, I pakai, even though I felt like an object. But because I loved him, I ikut je. Semua orang jeling I, pandang I atas bawah, and I nampak my boyfriend enjoys it. I bodoh lah, dengar cakap dia sebab dia cakap I cantik.

Lepas tu, cara dia tanya pasal ex I pun creepy gila. Dia bukan tanya biasa, tapi nak detail yang jijik. “Your ex kiss you kat mana? Dia pegang macam mana? You **** ke masa dia **** you?”

Muka dia merah, nafas laju, I tahu dia tengah imagine I kena sentuh orang lain. I tak nak cerita, tapi dia paksa. And bila I sambung, dia senyum macam orang tak betul. I rasa nak lari. I felt so violated.

Last week, I keluar dengan kawan lelaki, and dia tahu. I ingat dia akan marah, maybe jealous. But no, he asked “Dia tak try sentuh you ke? You tak rasa nak main dengan dia ke? I tak kisah lah” I terkedu. “You gila ke?” I cakap.

Dia ketawa, cakap “I suka tengok kau macam tu. Damn hot” he said, macam benda tu biasa. That’s when I realised… I’m not his girlfriend. I’m just a fantasy doll dalam kepala dia. It was disturbing. I masuk bilik, menangis. I feel dirty. Rasa kosong. Rasa macam I dah tak kenal siapa dia.

I miss the guy yang buat I rasa loved, the one yang always kiss dahi I bila I nangis, yang pernah peluk I waktu anxiety. The guy who promised to take care of me forever. Bukan this creep yang treat I macam mainan untuk pass around.

I rasa macam I takde value langsung untuk dia, macam I cuma ada to feed his obsession. Every time I fikir nak break, I teringat the good times, the gifts, the promises, then I jadi confuse.

I still love him. Even if he makes me feel like sh*t sometimes, I still feel like he’s my world. He’s home. He’s the place I run to when everything gets too heavy. But now… that home’s the one destroying me.

I know people will say “Just leave.” But how? How do I leave someone I pray for every night? Someone I hug when I’m scared? How do I erase all the moments when he made me feel the deepest love?

Tapi maybe, the worst part bukan dia. It’s me. Sebab I yang still choose him, even after everything. I yang still pujuk hati, thinking things will get better. Deep down, I know… if I really want to save myself, I need to let him go.

But I’m not ready. And that’s the scariest part.

– Mia (Bukan nama sebenar)

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