Assalamualaikum semua, hi. Short intro about myself; Trisy (obviously bukan nama sebenar), 20-an, masih lagi belajar di salah satu universiti awam, which university dirahsiakan. Izinkan saya untuk tulis post ini dalam dwi-bahasa, okay? :) And, siapa rasa dia boleh teka siapa saya or at least where I study, will you do me a favour and keep it a secret? ;)
Saya suka baca whatever posted here in IIUMC bila stres nak menghadap assignments atau sememangnya tak nak tengok dah assignments semua, and kadang2 ada-lah post2 yang saya boleh relate. But, today, I wanted to share about my life. Maaf kalau tak menarik but I really need a space so that I can let out everything that bothers me. Because lately it felt so heavy, but I’m not the type yang akan cerita benda macam ni face-to-face, saya jenis yang lagi mudah luahkan in form of writing with no specific audience or address. And mind you, it will be very long.
Let’s start with the fact that saya ni anak tunggal. Macam boleh agak haluan cerita ke mana? Okay, kalau boleh agak and tak nak baca, boleh stop. Tiada paksaan untuk baca :) Siapa nak teruskan baca, boleh teruskan.
I think it started when I finished UPSR and tengah usha2 which high school yang nak masuk. Actually, saya berminat nak masuk satu sekolah ni, a state-owned, di negeri kelahiran saya. Let’s just gelarkan sekolah ni as sekolah A. But kebetulan, masa interview sekolah A, saya ada minggu simulasi di another school, sekolah B. Minggu simulasi ni kiranya final filtering process before the new students are selected. Sekolah B ni terletak di negeri tempat saya tinggal dari umur 3 tahun sampailah sekarang. Sekolah B ni pun state-owned, so the chances of me going to this school actually low sebab neither me or my parents were born at this state. Tapi sekolah A tu, saya dan ayah saya lahir di negeri tu, so the chances are higher. Me and my parents tak expect pun saya lepas interview sekolah B, sebab dah tahu dari awal yang possibility tu sangatlah sedikit. And sebab saya macam dah berminat sangat dengan sekolah A, we called the school and asked whether is it possible to have my interview postponed to a later date due to the event at sekolah B, and they said okay, you can come anytime after the simulasi. So, I was actually hoping for that.
Plot twist, ayah kata tak perlulah pergi interview di sekolah A. Kita fokus dekat sekolah dekat2 dengan rumah je. Oh, selain sekolah B, ada lagi dua sekolah yang saya mohon, and permohonan saya for both schools diterima. Dan semua sekolah, termasuk sekolah A, ialah sekolah berasrama penuh. Kiranya sekarang just tunggu result sekolah B. When my father said that, saya rasa sedih tapi bila fikir, if that’s what they want, then tak apalah kut. Cut short the story, saya diterima masuk ke sekolah B, of course bersyarat sebab bukan anak negeri kan.
Five years passed at sekolah B with so much happy and not-so-happy memories. Kalau dah anak tunggal, mesti banyak pantang larangnya. But alhamdulillah, my friends are very understanding with my status as single-child. I think tak silap, bila form 3 baru start boleh keluar outing dengan kawan, without my parents. Itupun atas sebab2 yang memang tak boleh dielakkan lah. I tried to be happy studying here, but I wasn’t at all, except for few moments. Saya selalu cause problems, langgar peraturan itu ini, peraturan paling biasa langgar ialah contact kawan2 sekelas lelaki for no reasons (we were allowed to bring handphones, and kadang2 I find talking to boys lebih seronok banding dengan girls sebab girls suka gossip, saya malas layan).
But still, in my state of unhappiness, I tried to get myself busy with academics and co-curriculum because of my passion in both fields. I am very passionate and systematic when it comes to academic and co-curriculum, tahap sistematik saya tu jangan ada siapa2 kacau plan saya, kalau tak memang saya moody-lah. Itupun parents saya tried to interfere with my co-curriculum, bila tanya pendapat tentang co-curriculum, they say don’t register for this, don’t play that, which equals to “jangan masuk apa2, fokus pada akademik je”. Sudahnya, saya fed up, every year, saya register apa2 co-curriculum saya nak masuk, dah masuk, baru saya inform mereka.
Although I tried to keep myself busy in between academic and co-curriculum, I still find myself in sadness, in state of unhappiness. Pernah terfikir untuk lari dari sekolah, lari dari rumah. Cederakan diri a lot of times. Cried for long hours in the shower. Suicidal thoughts pun pernah juga, tapi cepat2 ingat Allah, ingat Islam. On the outside, memang nampak saya normal (senyum atau at least, emotionless). Saya jarang nangis atau luah perasaan dekat orang, even kawan yang paling rapat. Even ibu ayah pun banyak saya rahsiakan, sebab tak nak mereka sedih. Tak, saya pendam sebab bila mengadu pun, parents saya tak buat apa pun. Kalau ada pun, they tried talking to me tapi lepas tu I still return to my unhappiness, rather than bringing me out of that.
Saya suka pendam sendiri, even kawan2 pun perasan and try to have me to talk it out. Kalau dah tak tahan sangat, memang diorang-lah tempat mengadu. I think it’s because of my nature of single-child menyebabkan saya tak mudah open up to people. And ada something that happen during my high school years yang menyebabkan saya tak percayakan cikgu2 saya, and it also affect of how I see people who are older than me, including my parents. Right now, my trust towards people older than me memang close to zero-lah, senang I don’t trust them in terms of telling them how I feel. Satu lagi, saya ada mindset yang semua orang ada masalah masing-masing, kenapa nak tambah dengan masalah saya? So, saya pendam.
Habis SPM, now is the time to go tertiary education. Alhamdulillah, walaupun tak straight A, my result was quite good and inilah salah satu momen dari punya sikit momen happy di sekolah menengah. I was extremely happy with my result, 2B tu seolah-olah nampak macam A, hahaha. Di sini, my condition became worsen. On the orders of my father, I was allowed to only apply one university, and if you can guess it, it’s the university I am attending now, universiti C. And tambah lagi, I am only allowed to apply courses yang ditawarkan di kampus universiti C yang ada di daerah sama dengan rumah (universiti C ada a few kampus in different states, main campus-nya di Selangor). The reasons were obviously it’s close to home, and ayah saya is a lecturer at one of the faculties at this university.
At this time, I felt kinda cheated. Because sepanjang high school, everyone knows I wanted to become either a pilot or engineer. My parents said okay when they first heard of it, so I think everything is okay-lah kan. Remember I said before, saya sangat sistematik sampai tahap nobody can mess with my plans (when I said nobody, maksudnya except Allah). I planned my future carefully. Memang masa ni down gila. Although masa first time isi UPU, dengan sengaja saya isi bidang kejuruteraan as my first choice, bidang ekonomi as second choice, when both courses are not offered at kampus dekat rumah. Yang course2 ada dekat kampus dekat rumah ni, saya letak bawah2. When my father knew what I did, he asked me to change it, to apply courses yang kampus dekat rumah on top choices. Sudahnya, saya ikut juga cakap dia walaupun naluri nak memberontak. In other words, I gave up. Pernah saya cakap, “Trisy tak kisah dah belajar apa pun, sama je course apa pun”. From this point, I lose interest in studying, one of the things that actually boleh alih fokus dari unhappiness and helpless.
Oh, before you guys tanya “Kenapa tak bincang elok2 dengan parents?”, you should know that my parents aren’t open to discussions at all. My parents cakap je “we will sit and talk”, tapi takde pun. I tried initiating it but I was dismissed. And because my father is a lecturer, in the end, I will eventually lose to him in any discussions. So, saya fikir why even bother to discuss if finally he gets what he wants? That’s when I decided to just ikut je apa mereka nak, and sacrificing my own happiness. My personality changed. From a very systematic and ambitious type of person to just-tell-me-what-you-want-
Keputusan UPU keluar, and I got my first choice, sains hayat. Universiti C ni ada asasi sendiri, so pergilah asasi for one year. This one year I think is the happiest year of my entire life, really. Sebab finally, I was sent to the university’s foundation centre situated in another state. Masa ni, naik sikitlah semangat nak hidup. I was extremely happy, and of course my parents are sad. I pretended to be sad, but inside I was really happy. Actually, I can choose either program asasi satu tahun atau dua tahun, sebab saya fulfill requirements kalau nak minta program satu tahun. I was really tempted nak ambil dua tahun, but again, my parents suruh apply one-year programme. Again, I followed their wishes, going against mine (which I regretted till today). Walaupun kampus asasi ni serba kekurangan (the university ada dua lagi pusat asasi yang lebih okay dari pusat asasi yang saya pergi), but I really, really enjoyed my time there.
Seperti biasa, saya tidak dibenarkan keluar outing dengan kawan, but still, I managed to survive with happiness. I got good results in exams, and with that good results, saya ditawarkan untuk change programme ke critical courses; medic, dentist and pharmacy. Saya terfikir untuk forgo the offer, but bila my parents knew about this, mereka advise (more like menunjukkan minat and actually tried to brainwash me) of taking pharmacy. Actually, sejak habis SPM, I don’t have any interest at all in sciences subject. Ini termasuk dalam fasa giving up and fed up. Tapi sebab kampus dekat rumah ni cuma offer science-related courses, I had to apply science-related courses. And again, as you guessed, saya ikut cakap mereka, going against my own desire. Pergi interview apa semua, and accepted to become pharmacy student. So, yeah, I am a pharmacy student.
Masuk je degree, I return to my state of unhappiness setelah setahun hidup gembira di asasi. And, it became even worse. I became emotionless, I cried myself to sleep, spend longer time in showers, more suicidal thoughts, more-self-harming tapi limited sebab masih ingat Allah. My performance in academics affected (obviously my father is not happy with this), and co-curriculum pun affected as banyak benda saya nak join tapi terhalang. Hidup agak tak terurus, when people know me for being very tidy, very punctual. I tend to to forget many things. I don’t give much opinions in “family” discussions.
Kalau my parents asked for my opinions, my answer will always be “Trisy tak kisah, okay je mana-mana pun”. I became distant. I became anti-social, the only way you can reach me is by calling or email or Whatsapp (itupun kalau rasa nak jawab, kalau tak biar je bluetick). I’m no longer like before, although nampak pendiam, I am actually very bubbly and gila2. I live in pretense, just to make my parents happy. And, sekarang saya selalu tanya diri sendiri “Happiness tu apa?” I even forgot what is happiness. The only thing I know is to keep on pretending to be someone I’m not. I may laugh and smile, I may look I am easily amused and appeared silly, but inside I’m broken to pieces. Saya telan semua emosi saya, until bila tak tahan sangat, I burst and will cry for hours and hours.
So yeah, that’s my story. I’m telling my story bukan untuk ask opinions, I simply want let everything out, because lately it felt so heavy (though I’m always open to opinions given in good way). Please pray for me I find something, a reason for me to dream again and to live my life to the fullest. Pray that I lead a better life. I pray to Allah, moga Allah permudahkan segala urusan anda. :)
Thanks,
Trisy.
– Trisy
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit