Bismillah.
I was born with a naturally darker-toned skin, whereas my siblings have fair, smooth complexion and cheeks that blush beautifully. They are sweet and beautiful and wherever they go, guys never fail to take notice of them. I, apart from my visibly darker skin, has a serious facial expression and eyes that look like I haven’t slept for countless nights.
Of course, when I was a little girl, this was not a problem for me. I was dark, so what? I could still play and run and ride bicycles and catch grasshoppers & dragonflies and whatnot. I realized I was physically different from my siblings, but it didn’t bother me much. Until people started pointed out the difference. Some family members made fun about how my skin is dark while my sisters’ are as fair as any princesses. Family members, teachers, strangers, many of them made sure to mention out loud how I was dark compared to my sisters. During elementary school, even teachers made fun of me, because of my skin. They made a comparison between my sisters and I. Of course, to them, it was a harmless joke. Little did they know, they were slowly killing my self-esteem.
Moving on to high school, it seemed that my sisters always had guys falling head over heels for them. When all of us walk together, people would compliment my sisters, and when it came to me, they would stop and turn silent, because they do not know what to compliment of me. There was one time when a guy from my school looked at me and said, “huh, hitam!”. These experience really crushed me, and these people made me believe that I was ugly, that something was wrong with me, that I was unworthy of love and attention. Because even my family sometimes made fun of me. I didn’t have the courage to tell them that it was not ok, so I held back my tears. I swallowed the hurt. I cried in my sujood. I asked God, why was I created different?
I continued growing up feeling I was not beautiful. When I went to university, I started consuming collagen drinks, which are supposedly make your skin fairer and whiter. But honestly, I didn’t like the taste. I couldn’t swallow it. And then I found out about ‘produk kilo’ and all that, so I stopped immediately. I was more concerned about my health and well-being.
I tried using some creams instead, that allegedly had whitening effects. But, having sensitive skin, it was hard to find even one that suited me without causing unwanted side-effects. So I stopped. I opted for natural resources instead.
Then one day, I just asked myself : “Qamraa, are you really not beautiful? Are you really going to let all those people define what beauty is? Are you going to continue going to be crushed? Haven’t Allah made you beautiful enough?”
I asked myself these questions, and I looked at myself in the mirror. I have wide forehead, some pimple scars, and some facial hairs. I stared long and hard. And for the first time, ever, I felt that I did not look ugly. For the first time, ever, I liked what I saw in the mirror. I liked what stared back at me. I smiled, and sure enough, the girl in the mirror smiled back. For the first time, ever, I liked the way I look. Believe it or not, it took me more than a decade. Alhamdulillah.
The reason I am sharing this is because I want more people to see and understand that what may start as a joke, may end up destroying someone else’s self-esteem and confidence. Having tanned skin is not a problem nor an issue, but when it is being pointed out negatively, it tricks our mind into thinking that it is, indeed, a negative thing. Not all things are meant to be toyed around. Especially when it involves one’s feelings and thoughts. Apart from that, we really need to ask ourselves : what is the true definition of beauty? Because in my eyes, some people are beautiful in the physical, some people are beautiful in their thoughts, some people are beautiful in their kind words, some people are beautiful in the way they love and care for other people…the definitions are way more complicated than just simply having a flawless complexion. It is not wrong to want to be beautiful, but it is definitely wrong to make others feel like they are not beautiful.
Let’s be beautiful, both in the look and the heart.
Semoga tulisan ini bermanfaat, dan maaf jika wujud kesalahan tatabahasa.
– Qamraa
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