Hope Mama/Papa Saya Tak Baca Ni

I gotta confess something. Something I’ve been holding in my chest for so long, it feels like it’s gonna burst sometimes.

I’m 17 now, but this story started when I was 13. I could feel something was off. Outta nowhere, boom, my parents got divorced. I don’t even know what happened ‘cause they never explained shit.

One day, I just noticed my mom’s stuff wasn’t in the house anymore. She left and took my little brother with her. My brother, he was like half my soul back then.

We did everything together, even the dumb stuff. But then he went with Mom, and I stayed with Dad. Split. Far apart. Like someone ripped me in half.

I live with my dad in KL now. He’s cool, I guess. He covers all my needs, pocket money, clothes, food. Whatever I want, he just hands it over. But that’s where it stops.

Love? Don’t really feel it. He’s always busy with work, out in the morning, back late at night. Sometimes I’m already asleep when he gets home.

I feel like he’s been there, but not really there. Back when I was 15, I’d come home at 3 a.m, messy from the night, half outta it, and he never said a word. No “Where you been?” No “You good?” Just silence. He didn’t ask a thing, didn’t care.

I’m like “Yo am I your kid or just some guy renting a room?” That’s fucked up.

So yeah, I handle my own shit now. What I eat, where I go. I figure it out myself.

My friends? They’re my family now. I can’t get enough of ‘em, hanging out, talking crap, laughing till dawn. They’re the ones who notice when I’m off, even when I try to hide it, the ones who check in “Everything alright?” Not my dad.

But deep down, I know friends can’t replace parents. I feel empty, like there’s a hole in my heart I can’t fill. I feel like Mom doesn’t love me ‘cause she picked my brother over me. She’s always putting him first, leaving me wondering what I did wrong.

Dad doesn’t love me ‘cause he’s never got time for me.

The heaviest shit, my brother. I still remember him lying on the floor while I played games. Not saying much, just being there. He always was. But since everything went down, seeing him again feels like something’s just… gone.

Last time I saw him, I was 16, he was 14. I stared at him, same face, but like a stranger’s. The bond we had feels buried under years of mess.

I wanted to grab him, pull him close, but I couldn’t get my feet off the ground. He smiled, soft and awkward. I mumbled “You got tall” He said “You too” and then… no words. It hit me straight in the gut.

We used to be so tight, now we’re just two random dudes crossing paths at a bus stop. That loss cuts deeper than anything, a slow bleed I can’t stop.

I do taekwondo, you know. Been at it since Form 1, competing in KL, Singapore, even South Korea. When I step up, I win some, the crowd goes wild. I grab my medal, snap a pic, but honestly, it feels empty, like “What’s the point?” Get home, drop the medal on the table.

Dad just says “Good” then goes back to his laptop. Like none of it means a thing.

I’ve been a lone wolf for a long time. Back when I was 13 or 14, I’d take trains and buses alone from KL to Dungun, Terengganu just to spend time with Grandma. Just me, a backpack, and staring out at the world whipping by.

People go “You’re so strong”. Bullshit. I’m just a kid who’s got no choice. Deep down, I was scared, worried I’d get lost, something’d happen, and no one’d care.

Sometimes I lying flat on my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking “why am I not enough for them?” I try to be a good son, but it feels pointless.

I want Dad to ask “How’d your day go?” I want Mom to call and say “I miss you” But nah, no one ever does. It’s always just me, hoping, waiting. I’m done pretending I don’t need anyone. I wanna be loved. I wanna feel like I matter to someone.

I’m 17 now, but my life feels like a drama that never gets a happy ending. I’ve achieved a lot, yet it feels empty. I see my friends hugging their moms, chatting with their dads, makes me wish for that too. I want that so bad. But all I’ve got is a heart full of cracks.

I don’t know how long I can keep living like this. I just wanna feel like I belong to someone, not just me.

By the way, to anyone reading this, wish me luck and pray for me to ace my SPM. I wanna prove to myself that I’m worth something, even if I’m doing it all alone.

Pray for me, man. It’s hard when the people who’re supposed to care just don’t, but I’m not gonna let that stop me. Maybe one day, things will change. Inshaallah.

– Kimi (Bukan nama sebenar)

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