I’m experiencing another deep depression again and again. Even when I’m stable my mood will always be at a very low level. How do i know i’m in a depressive phase?
1) Suicidal ideation; my mind can’t stop obsessing over and over again on the method or ways i can act to end my life. sometimes it goes too detail my head hurts.
2) I’m on a rage; i’m pretty much am mad at anything and everyone especially myself.
3) When I talk to my kids, it will always be “when i die, or when I’m gone”
4) life is too painful to live, at time it fees like you are not moving
5) The guilt trap: well i’m basically will feel like i’m to be blamed for everything. I will feel guilty for not performing, for even feeling depressed, for being on MC leave, just over everything,
It makes it so hard to accept your self when you are on a guilt trip, it makes you feel you are un deserving to live which heightened the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to die.
6) It’s extremally hard to focus, to complete tasks, to lift yourself up to to things.
7) I’m extremally negative, my thoughts, what i say, everything is just toxic
The list is non exhaustive, so i’ll just stop there and move on to the plan I have to hijacked my brain (I’m trying). I met with a Doctor which gave me a new perspective yesterday.
Of course he mention first about my condition, the brain chemical etc. But usually when people (psychiatrist or psychologist) advise me, I will have no idea where to start.
With a psychiatrist it’s always about taking you medication and being compliant with the medication. ]Psychologist on the other hand will get to the root of the problem and come out with very good recommendation on what you could do to improve your condition. But i will usually not know where to start.
Let me try to picturize the situation, i’m in a dark deep slippery hole, there literally is not an ounce of will power within me to climb that hole. even if i try i will just keep on slipping over and over again.
So the idea of exercising, journaling, meeting positive people, even when it sounds very appealing, is hard to do. It’s like you don’t even have the starter to the engine. Where do I start?
But yesterday, this doctor told me our brain have the tendency to automate what we do everyday as a routine.
Like when we drive to work everyday, sometime because we are so used to it we don’t even have to recall which road to take, and when we are heavy in thoughts, we’ll just arrive there without our mind having to do things to recall the way/road to our office.
You may google and read about looping thoughts if you need more info. So, negative thoughts also have its loop. If i stay there, i will keep on looping to the same negative thought pattern over and over again.
That tells me I should start with my “BRAIN” first. I need to hijack my “THOUGHTS” so that instead of looping to the same cycle of negative pattern it has a different circuits of a positive ones and it needs to loop in the positive circuits.
Easier said than done i know, especially to someone experiencing depression.
Like “how do you tell a blind person to see?” right? Yes, but, the first steps always starts with awareness.
I am aware that i’m experiencing negative thoughts and emotions. I am aware that this is caused by my depression. But is all my negative thoughts true? Do I have prove that dying is better than living?
Do i have prove that i am worthless and incompetent? This is when the 2nd action takes place after awareness.
It’s challenging those thoughts. Or it is call formally call Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you may google on this as well to know in depth on the topic.
3rd action is to block/stop the negative thoughts as soon as they enter, distract yourself by doing other things or thinking other things.
Like, “owh, I’m a lazy person I can’t do this” brush those thought and emphasis it with a positive one like “I can do this, I’ll start small, but i’ll get there”.
Each time a negative thought comes budge in, you challenge it and you re-emphasize it with something positive. It could be tiring but it’s way better than dwelling in a negative endless loop. Start small, small chunk is always easier to chew.
Next as the Doctor said is to not let your mind go idle. keep on thinking, keep on doing. Just go do something beneficial regardless of how small it is. I know when it depression, you basically have no interest to do the things you used to love.
I used to love blogging, but I don’t anymore for a while i guess. But i’m writing anyway today one is for myself and one is because i have the intention to help others with the same condition. So there you go, i list it down here:
1) Awareness
2) Challenging the thoughts
3) Reemphasis with a positive pattern
4) Start small
5) Don’t let your mind go idle
6) Get up and do something you like/love, it’s time to focus on yourself, love yourself first.
Let us try, and rise up together. I can do this, we can do this, everything else can wait but we need to be fine. I will share some more if you this this is helpful. You may share your tips as well.
Last but not least, don’t self-diagnose, if you think you need help, reach out.
You may start with a general doctor in the private clinic or you may go to the nearest government clinic. They can give you advise and referral to the right person. I start with awareness. =)
– AWP (Bukan nama sebenar)
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