I don’t remember how or when I developed this phobia but it has been with me since secondary school. Not a very common phobia, but a very common thing; vomiting… or throwing up, whatever you want to call it.
First, it consumes my mind and my head and my day and everything in between. I can’t eat without inspecting every single aspect of my food, my utensils and my plates and cups.
Everything I want to eat, I have to check the labels, the expiry date, the ingredients and all that.
There were times where I starved myself for days because nothing fit my standards and ironically enough that starvation causes nausea and thus the spiraling circle continues until I get actually sick.
But I’ve learned to live with that, I’ve learned to be able to accept and just eat even when I’m not particularly confident of that food item. I’ve learned to cope with my phobia when it comes to me and my own body.
But what I hate more than ever is the fact that I cannot get close to or even hear people throwing up. I don’t mean strangers or people I don’t like, I mean those I love, my significant others, my own friends and family.
These are the people I deeply care for… I want to take care of them and be there when they’re sick but the mere sound of coughing is enough to get me to hyperventilate and get a panic attack, cry, cover my ears, run away, and so many more.
It’s not that I think they’re disgusting or that I refuse to be there for them, I just cannot with it without even really knowing why myself.
Until now, I haven’t been very vocal about my phobia, my own family has no idea. Perhaps a few friends no more than 5 knows, but that’s that.
It definitely does feel like I’m struggling with this alone with no one to help or support me.
Logically speaking, if I don’t get better in the future, I’d probably never be able to get married or have children…
What if my future husband gets sick? I can’t keep running away…
How about pregnancy? Nausea and morning sickness is a very VERY common occurrence during it…
I know in most cases I shouldn’t, but I’m ashamed of this phobia, to a point where I refuse to talk about it even to great friends, but the heavy feeling and the struggles are still there haunting me everyday.
I’m still considerably young and have quite a bit ahead of me, I’m just scared this will be a reason my life would be ruined. All because I have emetophobia…
– Aira (Bukan nama sebenar)
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