Assalamualaikum, I don’t really know how to start. It’s hard to open up like this but I think it will be even harder if I keep everything inside.
I’m in late 20s, a girl, unemployed. I graduated with first class degree years ago. However, I struggled alot to find a job.
I was unemployed for around two years. Too many circumstances. I once got a job interview in bank in kl but my father didnt allow me since it was too far from home and my mother was alone at home.
Note that i have stepmother. So my father wasnt always at home. I sent various job applications but rarely got called for an interview.
But alhamdulillah, i got a job years later and was working there for two years. I was never interested in that job spec and had no experience at all in that area but I tried. I was willing to learn something new.
My direct superior was a kind of person who expected me to know everything on day one. He didnt really tell me what and how to do my tasks. So, mostly i had to learn on my own.
Not complaining as I think it was fine. Orang cakap tak ada kerja yang tak stress. I agree. That’s why I continued working there even with the circumstances surrounding me. I was paid below than 1400 a month including epf..
I was interviewed by my superior then. I got accepted for 3months probationary period with a few others and among those people I was the only one offered for permanent there. Probably because I did most of the tasks during probation.
My big boss rarely came to the office as he had to travel between states every week. Everything in the office was managed by my superiors.
Working there was years full of experiences. I was a cheerful person. So i didnt really have problem with others.
I learnt so many things eventhough I didnt know anything about the job before and it wasnt in my course of works in university either. There weren’t that many employees there and there were only a few female workers including me.
I had a good relationship with other colleagues. We joked around alot even though most of them they are around my father’s age. We worked together very well. I wont call it a bully but it seemed like a few of my superiors kinda tossed all the works to me and another female worker.
We had to go here and there using our own car. Sometimes we had to run errands for my superior’s personal thing. Note that we needed to pay for the gas on our own unless we traveled to another state for work.
Working late till midnight, working on weekend, slept in the office, and working on public holiday weren’t something unusual. Cant even complain because my superior said it was our responsibility.
I never complained to them though. I was grateful enough to be able to earn money for myself and my family. Everyone was treating us, female workers, appropriately including my big boss.
Literally everyone except two of my superiors which are the highest in position. They sometimes joked about inappropriate things with us. Verbal harassment..
One of them which is my direct superior. He was a bit I dont know how to say it. Gatal? He touched me as he wished. Touched my arm, shoulder and all.
One day, he was mumbling unnecessary things and a little too loud. I had a headache and asked him to please not to be so loud. We had a relationship like father and daughter or at least that’s what i thought. But he suddenly said “Oh headache? where? let me see.”
He came standing behind my back and squeezed my shoulder. I was shocked and asked him to go back to his own desk.
Another time, my female colleague, my superior and I went to have a lunch outside. I sat at the passenger seat at the back. My superior turned back and touched my leg.
I scolded him and asked him to stop doing that. He just laughed it off. He thought it was funny or something. My female colleague was dumbfounded when he did that. He also said something disgusting to me one day.
I was scared and pretended that i didnt hear his words. Luckily it was already time for us to go home. I quickly ran down the stairs and left him behind. I can never forget that. Him touching me became a habit.
He sometimes jokingly stepped on my foot. My female colleague kept reminding me to be careful around him as she too saw how weird my superior was. He touched her too but not as often as me.
The other male colleagues only shook their heads at my superior’s behavior.
The thing is i know his family personally and he has daughters which are around my age and we are friends. He knew my father too.
I dont know how he got the nerve to be that creepy. He’s even older than my father. I didn’t know what to do at that time. So many things running in my mind.
Maybe i was overreacted? Maybe i was the enabler in the harassment? Maybe it was my fault, that’s why he did that. I kept reasoning his actions. If you’re wondering why i didnt report him. I cant.
He basically runs the office and there’s no way they would do anything to him and it would be scandalous if others know since im working in this “area/sector”.
I cant tell where and what was my job, im insecure of being exposed. Everyone knows and respects my superior because of his capabilities. No way anyone would get on my side.
Plus, I dont want my father to get mad at him either because it involves too many people. Too many circle of connections.
Truthfully, others kinda know his tendency to flirt with anyone in contact. He’s kinda have affair with other few women in the mean time. He’s actually kind and nice.
Always treated me and my colleague lunch and all but that cannot justify his behavior towards me. I got nervous every time i was left alone with him to the point that i didnt feel sincere to work there anymore. I started to feel annoyed and all.
Starting last year, we had some financial problem to the point that our epf was cut off because they couldn’t pay us anymore. Meaning that I never got the epf part from my salary and from my company.
If you ask if a company can do that. The answer is no but we tolerated it and tried to be understanding. Months later my superior said they needed to cut more from our salary. We had to agree.
We had no choice. My big boss didnt know about it. He kinda went with the suggestion since it was suggested by my superior.
So, our salary was cut off around rm250 already. I had a long thoughts about being underpaid and other things. I was thinking to quit the job for good but then I didnt want to quit when i needed money to pay for ptpn loan, for family and for my own self.
The thing is, I couldnt bear it any longer. I was stressed with the load of works and i didnt feel comfortable to work there anymore.
I told my mom about everything. I knew she was worried about me working till late night. I was always exhausted and drained. She felt bad when i had to bring home my work and worked until 1-2 in the morning.
She was debating inside too in case i won’t have pocket money anymore if i quit and my father doesnt really have a stable job.
So me quitting job might affect the family and myself. Still, i believe Allah is the one to decide on our rezeki. So i handed my resignation letter earlier this year.
I still remember working on weekend and had to sleep at 2am that night and went to work on next saturday morning. When i told my superior that i got to sleep late at night, he just shrugged it off and said it was my responsibility.
I was like, we didnt even get paid for working overtime. . When it was close to my last day working there, my superiors were begging me to stay.
Those who begged me to stay were actually those who got me through the days there. The other few superiors (rotten one) didnt really care and acted as if i worth nothing to them.. I finally quit my job.
I was ready to hunt for a new job, to start anew but then covid happened. I was stranded at home for months and still is. I can see my father getting a little annoyed at me for not working.
Plus my aunties kinda talked about me being all adult but still living with family. They keep telling my parents that i need to be independent and stay outside.
I used to give my father some money before and now I cant give money to him anymore. That explains how he treated me indifferently lately and he kept saying what am i doing at home doing nothing everyday.
To be honest, ever since i quit the job, there was never a day i spent being lazy and not finding job.
I applied to state gov, spa etc but rezeki from Allah hasnt reach me yet.
I did some part time job but i havent received my pay yet as the boss is having financial problem now. Days by days i got even depressed and started feeling disappointed in myself.
I feel useless, worthless and stupid. I tried to act as if Im okay in front of my mom but I stayed in my room all the time thinking about me being a burden to my father. His way of treating me makes me feel even bad.
And i just woke up one day thinking about ending my own life so that my father would feel better.
The thoughts keep assaulting me days and night until now. I just want to die and end everything right here, right now but what keep me alive is me realizing that committing suicide is a big sin and Islam forbids it.. I have no right to take what is own by Allah which is my life.
Im trying to be strong and put my faith in Allah. Even so, i still woke up and got to sleep everyday wishing to die. I think im sick in the head. I just cant tell anyone.
I once told my close friends, they thought i was joking and made fun of me. We were hanging out one day and one of them said “Do you have depression?” and laughed it off. I never talk to them about it anymore.
I keep everything inside. Its bad i know as it’s eating me alive. I dont know how to cope with everything.
I find peace in solitude that i keep pushing everyone away. I just dont know how to face everything. I feel tired living my life being useless like this..
Whenever i tried to be positive, those negative things kept encouraging me to do what Allah forbids us to do instead.. I feel like my world is turning darker and im sinking deeper in darkness.
I’m scared.. about everything. I’m scared of myself. Please pray for me to have my faith and stay in the right path of Islam..
– HumanMaybe (Bukan nama sebenar)
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