I don’t know if this will be published but I will try anyway. I also am more comfortable in writing it in English if that is okay. I am 22 years old doing a Degree in Networking in a university. I honestly am not supposed to be accepted. I have been doing Diploma in Computer Science.
But during the last few semesters, I have been doing badly. It was because of my breakup. My first breakup. It was too painful for me that I could not study. I felt empty. I tried to study but it just does not feel anything. I kept failing a lot.
When I finished it, I told my mother that I want to take a break. Studying was exhausting. I wanted to get a part time job because I never experienced it so I want to know. But she said no.
She had me applied for the UPU right away and at first, I was not accepted. I was glad. But my mother kept calling the administration and I was not accepted because I had to take a paper late because I failed it at first.
After the calls, I was offered to go to the university. I was devastated. I told her that I do not want to go. But she insisted. She even told my sister about it which made me really upset. I trusted her but she has to talk to one of my siblings about it to convince me. It was very painful for me.
The same thing happened later on as well. I wanted to come home because I was stressed but no one was home so my parents forced me to come with them to my sister’s work at Terengganu. I said I want to stay home and study but they insist me on coming with them.
When I was there, I could not study. And my mother keep telling me to study stresses me more. Sigh. Anyway, so here I am doing a Degree I definitely hate. I had Networking subject in Diploma and it was that subject I kept failing.
The only upside to this was I was able to meet my boyfriend. He’s a Dutch from the Netherlands. I know it sounds absurd but I don’t know how it happened either. But overall, to me, he’s perfect. I have been in a relationship with him for almost 2 years.
Our journey is great, nothing bad happened. He’s a really kind, caring person. He is a good listener, always help me whenever I need it. Basically he’s perfect to me. Despite how chaotic my life is, he’s the only person who makes me feel happy. And my friends of course.
Since I’m in university, there is always a study week. So my boyfriend decided to visit me during that time because my family definitely would not like him because of what he is. White. My studies were fine because I had my friends.
So, when my boyfriend is here, it was the happiest I have ever been in my life. We had a lot of fun! We went to the amusement park, shopping malls, dessert cafes, tea bar, movies, karaoke and many more! There was even a time I got sick. He took really good care of me even though I was being difficult.
At some point I have a fever for four days. So we decided to go to the clinic. What scared me at that time were the bill. it was RM200+ if I remember it correctly. But he paid it anyway. He said he wanted the best for me. Being with him makes me feel so happy.
Just so you know if you’re reading this, I am a very cautious person. So if I’m dating him, going on dates with him, I have make sure that he is really trust-able. I do not like him because of sugar coated words. It is just because of how he treat and kind to me.
When he left, I was heartbroken. I do not want to go back to texting and calls. I want to see him every day, hug him and just being close to him. Unfortunately, he has a job to go back to.
That was just an opening to what I am about to tell. Why I am tired is right after this. I have been fine at university. Yes I failed a lot of subjects again because I could not study. I felt empty like before.
I actually been wanting to the clinic to see if there is anything wrong with me mentally but I have not got the chance to. I am always home so I could not just go out whenever I want. My CGPA were 1.9. Yes it is bad.
So I go to university like usual. It is fine when I am at university because I am with friends. They are really good friends. I am always happy with them.
But since the RMO, initially I was at my rented home. But I decided to come back to my family’s home. I thought it would be fine. I always wake up late. But despite that, I always try to stay downstairs to socialise.
I just do not want them to think that I do not want to show my face because it has happened before. The thing is, there is nothing to do downstairs. I just sit down and watch a video on my phone. But I still stay downstairs anyway.
After a few hours, I went back to my room. I just feel more comfortable in my room because no one is there besides me so no one would judge me. I always feel like everything I do is being judged when I am downstairs. That is why it is difficult for me.
But after a few days, after I came out of my shower, I noticed a few calls and a text message. My brother said to come downstairs. It was around 1pm so I thougth they were calling me for lunch. I said to him to eat first because I needed to put on clothes.
He said afterwards “Do you think you live in a hotel?”. I was really confused. Hurt and scared. What did I do? Is this because I always come downstairs late in the afternoon?
But even so, can he told me normally? I only opened the door and stood on the stairs. I heard their voices and then went back into my room. I was hurt. I did not want to see him. I did not understand. Even now. It is not fair. What did I do wrong?
So after a few days, maybe more than a week, I only eat when everyone was asleep. I slept the whole day and when at night, I went out to eat something.
I basically starved myself. I lose a few kg. I was just upset and cry everyday. I think it worried my mum. But all I said whenever she knocks on my door is that “I’ll eat later”.
I am so stressed living in this house. I know my siblings do not like me. My brother gives me money every month for food and at that point, I was tempted to take PTPTN. I hated that I depend on him. I argued with my sister the other day as well. But she is still nice to me so it is okay.
Sometimes I just cry because I hate this house. I’m trying my best to be better. But no one appreciate it. I cleaned the kitchen the other day hoping my mother would praise me but all she did was pointed out some stuff I was missing. I want to be loved too. I regretted coming back home.
I should have stayed at my rent house. I would be more happy there. I cleaned the kitchen once and my friend praised me. It made me really happy and want to do more. I always want to help them because I do not know how to do a lot of things.
And because of them, I am able to learn a few stuff slowly. At home, the chores are considered a responsibility. But even so I never get praised and it makes me sad. Maybe it is childish of me to think like this but, I could not help it. It is just what I feel.
I do not really completely hate my family. At some point, I love them. I know for some decisions the made is what they thought would be better for me. But I have tried to communicate with them but it did not work.
Because of that, it is harder for me to open up again as well. I just want to be happy. And at the moment, my boyfriend is saving up some money to buy a house. He said it would be nice if I could move in and I have thought about it since last year.
I did not want to move in yet initially. I thought I want to finish my studies here and maybe get a job first. I thought maybe I want to move in after five years. But, I am mentally and physically tired. I could not stop thinking that I could not tolerate this any much longer.
I have been thinking about just moving in with him. I think it will be okay. I have known him for quite awhile. It should be okay. I will just switch off my phone and leave. Get a new phone and number, and a new life at somewhere new. I will be okay. I just want to be happy.
– Anonymous (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit