Hai semua. Hahaha tak tau lah sebenarnya nak cakap apa tapi i just want to share my story. My story is not that interesting but i just want someone to talk to and i just want to let it out.
I’m already 25 years old but i still don’t know what do i want in my life. Alhamdullilah i have graduated from medical school but still, i just don’t know what i want in this life…
Dari kecik lagi i’m struggling with my self esteem and i dont even understand my self. I dont know how to express myself and i never told anyone whether i’m feeling sad or lonely.
I always think that dalam dunia ni bukan aku je ada masalah orang lain pun ada masalah. I guess thats what restrain me from telling about myself to people.
Oh ye i just want to give an advice to future parents don’t ever tell your children that they are not beautiful even as a joke.
It really hurts being told that youre not pretty by your own family, it really does. Even I know that they were joking, up until now I still feel like im worthless and i’ll never be good at anything.
Funny how until these days pun my mother and my family would sometimes cakap yang I tak cantik and even benda tu I dah biasa dengar tapi I don’t know why does it still hurts.
Even if my friends always told me that im pretty but like whats the point of telling me that im pretty if I I don’t even think I am maybe im just too insecure with myself.
Im not even clever to begin with, my family and friends always tell me that im clever but in reality im just trying to be, pretending… because thats what I think atleast im good at.
I think that if I studied hard maybe I’ll be somewhat better and people can rely on me. I just want to impress them and I don’t want to dissapoint them.
You know the feeling macam you hanya biasa-2 je you tak pandai and u tak bodoh u just average ha macam tu lah I rasa. Maybe im just being too sensitive. Im sorry if this story came out boring.
I always wonder what others would think of me and I never be myself whenever im with my friends even my closest one. I have very few friends growing up maybe because I didn’t talk too much.
Even with my high school bestfriend Ive stopped talking to them not because i want to cut them off but because im afraid that I’ll disturb them and it really hurts me that I felt that way I do miss them but I just don’t know how to express myself im bad at words.
Sometimes I will cry because I hate being me i hate being someone that is so weak, no one will ever care if Im not with them.
Weird because that happened because I am me and theres nothing I could do about it. Im sorry if my story sounds confusing like I said before im very bad at words.
I rarely talk about my feelings to someone like i really want to have a deep talk with someone but i just think i can’t. Maybe i was being selfish.
I used to search about why am i feeling like this and they said it just anxiety but i don’t think i have anxiety because i think im just extra shy and extra introvert.
Oh btw im an INFJ maybe someone that have the same personality type like me can relate? And I never been in relationship even sekarang I dah tua lol.
Maybe im too self cautious? Im afraid that im not good enough to be with someone or maybe im not ready to open up.
Kawan2 I selalu cakap I cantik bla bla bla takkan takde orang nak lah, I jual mahal lah, I reject ramai orang lah.
NO im telling u this bukan sebab I nak puji myself I just want to highlight that the PROBLEM IS ME even if someone love me and I love him too pun I will push the feelings away because im not good enough and im afraid that they will left me.
At the end, im just too weak im too afraid about the future about everything. Can someone explain to me why im feeling like this. I know im not the only one. Me myself pun tak tau kenapa I macam ni. I pun pening kenapa I lemah sangat.
I tried to hang myself this year few times because im so confused with myself like takkan lah tiap minggu nak rasa sedih, kosong penat tau tak.
Tapi mungkin ajal I lambat lagi so still bernafas sampai sekarang huhuhu. Sorry story I panjang pulak dah lama tak sembang. Tu jelah penat menulis thank you mendengar :)
– :) (Bukan nama sebenar)
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