Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera. Selamat berpuasa juga bagi seluruh muslim dan muslimat.
Pagi tadi time tunggu sahur, suddenly hati aku terdetik untuk start fresh ramadhan tahun ni, aku decide untuk memaafkan dan berdamai dengan takdir.
Few years back, to be exact 6 years ago. Tiada angin tiada ribut suddenly Z (bukan nama sebenar) text dan ajak jumpa after beberapa minggu hilang. No call, no whatsapp like usual tahu-tahu ajak jumpa.
Dah lama kitorang dalam situasi macam ni, ada masa sebulan dua hari-hari contact 24 jam tak lekang. Ada masa Z hilang, during that time aku tak cari tapi aku tetap tertanya-tanya.
This kind of “relationship” started bila Z approach aku right after SPM,
Padahal masa sekolah we never talk each other plus zaman sekolah tu aku tak berapa ada rupa, low self esteem dan introvert due to rasa diri tak cantik. Masa dia approach tu aku baru start asasi UM.
So during asasi he is the one kawan lelaki yang aku kerap text and call,
We had a good time together bila we are always excited tunggu lagu baru Hujan yang still underground masa tu, talk about high school time yang we never linked before, we shared too many interest together.
We are so comfortable with each other until aku dengan Z realized that yang kitorang ada heart feelings, ada sayang yang hadir.
Habis pengajian di asasi UM, we still like before until Z decide to drop out UKM and kerja. Rezeki dia time tu terus dapat kerja dekat company mega di JB.
Aku pulak tetap teruskan degree di UM and during that time, aku komited dengan life as a degree student which is aku enjoy every busiest moment, so aku dengan Z pun jarang dah contact and starting from there, he keep datang dan hilang.
Tapi aku tak pernah tanya dan cari, dan tidak pula aku ada pengganti. Bila tiba hari dia contact tu rasa happy sangat sampai borak berejam pun tak sedar.
I do remember masa tu aku kerja part time dekat kedai fast food and seminggu Z hilang but suddenly dia muncul dekat tempat kerja aku, told me that he just came back from Bali, bawak all those buah tangan and all my worries gone.
Aku pun tak tahu why aku never care to ask?
But we still in this kind of relationship sampai aku habis degree. Habis degree aku start extra focus to myself, pasang braces, register gym and keep in touch back dengan kawan-kawan sekolah. Z?
During this time dia dah kurang hilang, we also have extra time together, everything seems rainbow and joyful. Perasaan sikit pun tak kurang, masih sama, masih seorang Najihah yang excited tunggu Z untuk share everything.
And one day, one of my classmate add dekat facebook dan aku pun tak rasa nak amik tahu since aku dah lama lost contact dengan semua schoolmate.
This girl keep komen dan like post aku, aku fikir maybe dia rajin dan peramah sebab dia kenal and kitorang dulu sekelas? Masa ni juga Z dah 2 weeks hilang.
Hari Sabtu petang, suddenly he came to my housing area dan ajak keluar. We just having coffee at our usual place dan borak macam biasa. Until something came out from his mouth;
“Jiha, you tahu kan i sayang you more than everything? You tahukan yang i takkan jumpa anyone yang best, yang always tunggu i like you did?”
And I was like Ok? You nak cakap apa sebenarnya ni Z? – “This upcoming Sunday, I will bertunang with S (that girl yang add aku dekat fb beberapa hari lalu). Aku tak tahu how I should to react and respund? Do I need to cry? Do I need to be super mad?
Instead of nak marah, aku still berharap akan ada sedikit harapan or to be exact can you cancel that engagement? Please pick me Z? Entahlah, aku just keep calm and borak macam biasa langsung tak sentuh pasal hal upcoming Sunday ni.
That was our last time seeing each other, before balik was a saddest moment for me as I know he will never with me anymore, I begged him to let me stay as a friend, he refused and said;
“No Jiha, you are so special that i kept you for years in my heart, how come I can be friends with you after what I did?”
And few months later, I received his wedding invitation. The amount of pain losing him is something that I cannot bare, tapi I keep doa supaya Allah bagi ketenangan.
Tak lama lepas Z kahwin, suddenly his wife post screenshot some of our conversation yang lama dekat fb dengan caption “kenapa perempuan tak tahu malu kacau suami orang?”
Dengan nombor telefon aku yang tertera jelas. Dengan hati yang masih bersisa terluka ni, aku tak mampu nak peduli lagi dengan this kind of drama.
Let her be if itu buat dia rasa happy dan puas. Day after day, banyak lagi provokasi his wife towards me like “rupa tak seberapa ada hati nak suami orang”,
Seems like his wife tak lupa how buruk I am during high school, and cannot accept how pretty myself after all those “repair” I did. Hihi. Kidding.
Fast forward it tooks me 2 years to heal and move on, and found my husband. Seminggu sebelum majlis kahwin, aku hantar invitation kepada Z thru WhatsApp, it just a card invitation, takde borak, takde hi byebye, just card.
Suddenly pufff his wife meletop and post my wedding card to public, -dah nak kawin still tak move on dengan suami aku-
And again, i just ignored even sebenarnya aku ada hak untuk marah Z for what he did before this, and what his wife did towards me. But I choose to pendam dan secara tak sedar aku pernah harap agar tiada bahagia untuk mereka.
Lama aku pendam dan harap karma menimpa tapi all those things tak bagi ketenangan pun dekat aku. It takes a year untuk buang perasaan ni and harini aku rasa dah-dah la nak rasa marah.
Apa pun yang jadi, biarlah Allah yang tentukan, aku ni hamba, takde kuasa buat apa aku nak bongkak tahan rasa marah tu bertahun.
Untuk Z dan Isteri, Jiha maafkan seikhlas hati untuk segala yang terjadi. Salam Ramadhan.
Terima Kasih…
– Najihah (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit