Letting Go, Slowly: A Letter to the Love I Lost

Why am I still sad?

Hello, myself.

This is my first time truly pouring everything out. I’ve kept so much inside for so long. Looking back, everything changed in 2019. That year, I lost so much — my love, my best friend, and my father. Three major losses, all at once. My heart broke.

But then came a new beginning. I met someone who made me see the world differently. Let’s call him S.

He came into my life during my darkest days. He promised me the kind of life I had always dreamed of. He promised to take care of me. And I believed him — I saw him as my protector, the light guiding me out of the darkness.

But I made mistakes. I didn’t put in the effort I should have. I took his presence for granted. I hurt him. I thought he’d wait for me — wait until I could pull myself together. I thought love meant unconditional patience. I thought he would always accept me as I was.

I had a plan: to be better in 2021, to become the best version of myself for him.

But we can only plan. Allah is the Best of Planners.

The Day He Left

At the end of 2020, he left me. For good.

Since then, my life hasn’t been the same. I haven’t truly felt happiness.

We still talked. We still met. But not as lovers — just… something in between. Something painful. Something confusing.

I tried to win him back — I really did. From 2021 to 2022, I gave it everything. In 2023, I finally stopped begging. In 2024, I tried again to move on.

Now, it’s 2025 — and I’m still trying.

I almost accepted someone new. But my heart… it’s still with S. And I can’t hurt another person just to escape my own pain.

Hope That Hurts

So why am I still sad?

Because deep down, I still have hope. Hope that maybe he still wants me.

In our last meeting, he called me sayang. He made time for me. But I know the truth — his heart has moved on. He’s with someone new. He’s no longer mine.

Maybe he stays around because of a promise — to take care of me for life. Or maybe it’s just sympathy now.

He told me to move on and find someone else.
I tried.
I really tried.
But no matter how many new people I meet, I can’t get S out of my heart.

Shouldn’t I be happy for him?

He found someone better. Someone who will care for him.
Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’m jealous.
But what can I do?

I can’t force him to love me again.
His heart belongs to Allah.

I Was Too Late

I’m sad because I didn’t do my best when I had the chance.
I hurt him when I should’ve healed him.
I realized too late. I apologized too late.
I changed too late.

Why was I so blind? Why was I so cruel?

Only God knows.

And now — I can’t turn back time.
All I can do is apologize. Learn. Pray.
And hope, maybe, someday he’ll come back. And I’ll be ready, truly ready, to love him right.

But Now, I’m Letting Go

Maybe he’s not meant for me.
Maybe this is how my love story ends.

I’m learning to walk away — slowly.
Picking up my broken pieces.
One at a time.

Maybe in this life, I can have everything… except love.

Maybe Allah is teaching me something:
Don’t place your hope in people.
Place your hope in Him.

A Final Wish

One last thing.

S once gave me four conditions — a list of what I needed to do if we ever wanted to be together again.
I’ve achieved three.
One more to go.

And if one day I complete that last one, I will come to him.

If he chooses me, InsyaAllah, I’ll be the best partner I can be. We’ll rebuild the life we once talked about.
But if he doesn’t… I will walk away.
For good.

Seven years of holding on to a promise. Seven years of hope.

If it was all for nothing, I surrender it to God.

To Those Reading This

This letter is my way of letting it out.
I’ve been carrying this pain alone for too long.

If you have any advice — kind words or tough love — please feel free to comment.
I will read it. But please be gentle.
I’m not strong all the time.

I really want to forget him, but I can’t.

Not yet.

But InsyaAllah, with Allah’s help, I will heal.

Final Words

Maybe he wasn’t good enough for me.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.
Either way — that’s okay.

I just hope I can close this chapter soon.
So I can move forward.
So I can live.
So I can smile again — genuinely, fully.

Not everything we want, we can have.
Like he once said:
“Cinta tak semestinya memiliki.”
(Love doesn’t always mean having.)

Maybe that was his way of gently rejecting me.
The same girl he once chased so hard.

I can only smile now when I think back.

That’s okay.
I forgive.

May our hearts be healed.

Ameen..

– N.A.M (Bukan nama sebenar)

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