Why am I still sad?
Hello, myself.
This is my first time truly pouring everything out. I’ve kept so much inside for so long. Looking back, everything changed in 2019. That year, I lost so much — my love, my best friend, and my father. Three major losses, all at once. My heart broke.
But then came a new beginning. I met someone who made me see the world differently. Let’s call him S.
He came into my life during my darkest days. He promised me the kind of life I had always dreamed of. He promised to take care of me. And I believed him — I saw him as my protector, the light guiding me out of the darkness.
But I made mistakes. I didn’t put in the effort I should have. I took his presence for granted. I hurt him. I thought he’d wait for me — wait until I could pull myself together. I thought love meant unconditional patience. I thought he would always accept me as I was.
I had a plan: to be better in 2021, to become the best version of myself for him.
But we can only plan. Allah is the Best of Planners.
⸻
The Day He Left
At the end of 2020, he left me. For good.
Since then, my life hasn’t been the same. I haven’t truly felt happiness.
We still talked. We still met. But not as lovers — just… something in between. Something painful. Something confusing.
I tried to win him back — I really did. From 2021 to 2022, I gave it everything. In 2023, I finally stopped begging. In 2024, I tried again to move on.
Now, it’s 2025 — and I’m still trying.
I almost accepted someone new. But my heart… it’s still with S. And I can’t hurt another person just to escape my own pain.
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Hope That Hurts
So why am I still sad?
Because deep down, I still have hope. Hope that maybe he still wants me.
In our last meeting, he called me sayang. He made time for me. But I know the truth — his heart has moved on. He’s with someone new. He’s no longer mine.
Maybe he stays around because of a promise — to take care of me for life. Or maybe it’s just sympathy now.
He told me to move on and find someone else.
I tried.
I really tried.
But no matter how many new people I meet, I can’t get S out of my heart.
Shouldn’t I be happy for him?
He found someone better. Someone who will care for him.
Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’m jealous.
But what can I do?
I can’t force him to love me again.
His heart belongs to Allah.
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I Was Too Late
I’m sad because I didn’t do my best when I had the chance.
I hurt him when I should’ve healed him.
I realized too late. I apologized too late.
I changed too late.
Why was I so blind? Why was I so cruel?
Only God knows.
And now — I can’t turn back time.
All I can do is apologize. Learn. Pray.
And hope, maybe, someday he’ll come back. And I’ll be ready, truly ready, to love him right.
⸻
But Now, I’m Letting Go
Maybe he’s not meant for me.
Maybe this is how my love story ends.
I’m learning to walk away — slowly.
Picking up my broken pieces.
One at a time.
Maybe in this life, I can have everything… except love.
Maybe Allah is teaching me something:
Don’t place your hope in people.
Place your hope in Him.
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A Final Wish
One last thing.
S once gave me four conditions — a list of what I needed to do if we ever wanted to be together again.
I’ve achieved three.
One more to go.
And if one day I complete that last one, I will come to him.
If he chooses me, InsyaAllah, I’ll be the best partner I can be. We’ll rebuild the life we once talked about.
But if he doesn’t… I will walk away.
For good.
Seven years of holding on to a promise. Seven years of hope.
If it was all for nothing, I surrender it to God.
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To Those Reading This
This letter is my way of letting it out.
I’ve been carrying this pain alone for too long.
If you have any advice — kind words or tough love — please feel free to comment.
I will read it. But please be gentle.
I’m not strong all the time.
I really want to forget him, but I can’t.
Not yet.
But InsyaAllah, with Allah’s help, I will heal.
⸻
Final Words
Maybe he wasn’t good enough for me.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.
Either way — that’s okay.
I just hope I can close this chapter soon.
So I can move forward.
So I can live.
So I can smile again — genuinely, fully.
Not everything we want, we can have.
Like he once said:
“Cinta tak semestinya memiliki.”
(Love doesn’t always mean having.)
Maybe that was his way of gently rejecting me.
The same girl he once chased so hard.
I can only smile now when I think back.
That’s okay.
I forgive.
May our hearts be healed.
Ameen..
– N.A.M (Bukan nama sebenar)
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