Bismillah..
Izinkan saya tulis dalam bahasa inggeris.
I am a Major Depressive Disorder patient. I am suffering from Anxiety Disorder. Sometimes i ask myself, why my society can show their empathy towards physically ill patient, but not towards mentally ill patient? Why my people discriminate people who is suffering from mental illness? We are not asking for this disease. I’m telling you, the thing so called depression is not even 1% similar to the stress that you claimed to be the one who is also having a stressful life. I once live in a hectic and stressful day. Yes I stressed at that moment. I feel so tired. But i still able to live my life. Still can woke up early in the morning. Having to-do-list in my mind. Work for it. Not afraid of anything.
Until one point in my life, i started to feel obsessive fear towards few specific things. I thought it is just a hormone changing matter. So i just ignore it. I just avoid things that i’m afraid of. Until it affects my daily life. I cant even do things that im supposed to do. I cant drive. I’m afraid of speed, height, bugs, injuries, blood and other things. Fyi, during that time i was living in 10th floor in an apartment. I feel sophisticated.. I’m too afraid of my own house since it is located up high in the sky. At that time as well, I had to enter a new group of colleague. I started to develop fear towards my own colleague. The term fear in this content is not a regular fear. The fear here means as if death is better rather than to face the things we fear of. It is not that we took it as if death is an easy solution. Of course we are also fear of death. But our mind cant control it. Our fear is something big. Too heavy. Maybe for a healthy person like you would think that I just lying or overly claimed of small matters. But, for a person who is mentally ill like me, i just lost my rationale thinking. Maybe for you is something small, but for me it is something too big.
I tried to fight. Yes i did. I did it for almost 2 years. Everyday i had to woke up in fear. Sleep in fear. Until one point, my mind my body and my soul couldnt handle it anymore. I fell into depression. This is the hardest part. Imagine that whenever your meals cant makes your tummy full, your sleep cant recharge your energy, your rest cant even help you to get rest. Endless tiredness. It is just like you are working without off day and you cant go home for years. Even that example cannot explain the situation well. I feel as if im useless. I totally loss interest to live. I felt as if i am still breathing while my soul is not alive anymore. My mind has lost everything. I cant even remember most of things that happen in my life. I cant come out with decisions anymore. Even someone ask me either to drink coffee or tea. I just cant make a decision . There are voices in my mind that keep saying that im stupid. Im useless. Up to a point i wanted to give up living my life. I just cant think which one is good and which one is bad. As if i am no longer so called mukallaf.
Most of our people would think like if youre close to Allah you wont feel distressed. Yes I agree with that. Definetly you’ll calm after you zikr. Feel good after reciting Quran. But anxiety and depression is a disease. Just like hypertension, stroke, cancer. Allah is Great, subhanAllah. Allah creates us as a very complex creature. Our eyes can see head, legs, hand and so forth. But you know what is inside of this organ? There are lots and lots of unseen things such as enzyme, hormone and etc. And you know what, these tiny and unseen things can greatly affect our large and seen things. Like insulin can control the level of sugar thus can affect leg whether it is healthy or fall into gangrene for example.
Allah is Great. He gives us a tiny amount of knowledge so that we can live as servant to Allah and Khalifah on this earth. He gives us knowledge how to cook, how to sew a cloth, also to stich human’s skin. Everything in this universe is Allah’s knowledge. And we as a human being must help each other. One group is professional in making buildings. One is professional in repairing cars. The other group is professional in catching fish and etc. That is why we need to seek the one who is professional in the group. Of course when it deals with health, the professional would be medical doctors. And yet everything in our life is inseparable with religion (Islam).
As a muslim, i need to be fit and healthy. But when a muslim fall sick, Islam teach us to seek for help. Yes, I fall sick and i seek help. Help from the knowledge that Allah has bless us with it. But everything is Allah’s will.
What i wanted to say is that:
1. Anxiety disorder and depression is not totally because of lack of Iman. It is a disease. Do you get gout because you are not fasting? The same concept is apply here. Everything happen for reasons. May be Allah tests someone with illness to see whether he/she can be patient and thus Allah wanted to increase his/her level. Remember, Rasulullah saw (pbuh) is a human who has the most difficult test in the history of human beings. But Rasulullah saw (pbuh) is the one who has the highest level of iman and the nearest to Allah swt.
2. Anxiety and stress is normal until it affects your daily life such as you cant do your job anymore. Please seek profesional help.
3. Never compare patient’s condition with yours or other people. For example, “aku dulu gaji kecik gak tp tkde pun kemurungan, kau ni baru hidup susah sikit dh kemurungan”. Remember, everyone’s story is different. Yours is not the same as his or her.
4. My people, if you can’t lend your hand to help them, then just remain silent. Have you ever hear about what goes around comes around? Today you might be mocking those suffering from mental illness, but you never if later on you might suffer from it as well. So please, remain silent if you got nothing good to say.
5. Please pray for all our sisters and brothers who are now battling with their own mind.
6. Never discriminate between physical and mental illness. They are both hurting.
-The Mind Fighter-
– The Mind Fighter
Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit