This place being anonymous, makes me brave to say what’s on my mind. Hence, here’s my story.
For as long as I can remember, there seems to be a void inside me. No, I think it started since before I was 12. There I was, naive and apparently to my parents, a bright, bright girl. To my mom, I should strive for the tallest, greatest , biggest job out there. Not wrong, but in a really wrong way. I grew up believing that I am worth nothing without either beauty, intelligence, or wealth. Since I am none of the other 2, I’ve been trying for the intelligence part.
I remembered when I was 12, it was one of the hardest year for me. Everyday, I was forced to study, until I’ve learned how to pretend to my mother, hey, a kid gotta live. I’ve remembered waking up everyday, wishing I could die. I hated the thought of the big exam at that time, I just wanna lie down somewhere and never woke up at all. Hence, I found my solace and peace in sleep. I look forward to sleeping everyday, not because I’m lazy, because I wanna escape my thoughts at that moment. I even stole one of my dad’s razors and kept it hidden beneath my clothes, and everyday i stare at it, figuring where to cut, where it would be less painful but with a quick bliss of nothingness. Realizing that i am a muslim, and how dreadful one’s loved one dies, I put it off, always to the next day. Without realizing it, almost everyday I looked upon that razor.
How can a kid, even thought of suicide? Now that’s a million dollar question. After the exam, I was free to sleep to my hearts content. But I grew really well, I became fat.Not another great achievement, but I know, it is somehow a space of peace within me. Entering 13, my relatives kept ridiculing my body, fat shaming me. It was a pretty dreadful days. But I haven’t nt thought of suicide at all since I was enrolled in a boarding school pretty far from home. At first, hearing that news , I was so happy. Finally, going away. Being among my peers day and night, help keep the monsters within me quiet for several years, but not the suicidal thoughts.
When I was in high places, I evaluate whether the jump would lead to death or painful life. However and thankfully, I am a big coward so I never went through any of those plans. When I was crossing the road, something in me was egging the cars to hit me, daring them to speed up and throw my body onto the road, but thankfully I have my friends. They pulled me to safety, literally and figuratively.
This thought of uselessness, the feeling of being unloved, this dark fricking void crept up again when I was in my late teens, the year my dad secretly married another woman. I remember crying very hard, feeling like my heart was literally torn apart, nearly shouting but since I was not alone, the screams turn to breathless gasps, sobs that won’t go away. For almost 2 hours I was stuck to the sejadah, not being able to stand up at that time. How I prayed at that time, asking Allah for strength and guidance. Thankfully, my siblings, my mother and friends helped me to be strong. This seems to be the last time I was able to cry aloud. Since then, I resort to silent, horribly painful crying.
Now, in my early 20s, that feeling seems to amplify. To say it was full blast, I don’t know. It was too scary. Before sleeping, I cried, hoping Allah could take away my pain during sleeping. Somehow with this feeling, I wish I could take a knife and plunge it into my heart. Maybe the pain will lessen, but then that maybe suicide. Sometimes I wish someone will kill me instead. Sometimes I wish I was in a car accident, sometimes I wish I die painlessly. I don’t know the reason of this pain, it is somehow just there. I grew up with this feeling, and maybe without it there, then who am I ? Maybe that’s why, some people say that the mind is a very dangerous thing, especially when you are alone.
– Confused
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