Actually I want to write this in Malay, but I kept deleting it because I don’t like how I sound in my Malay writing. I practice writing my journal in English to improve my language ability, now I get stuck in it. I humbly apologise for using different language or any gramm4tical error that occurred.
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I am a sweet 28 years old girl. I am kind, soft spoken, considerate, caring, a paragon to goodness and purity (That’s how people would describe me, or so is the persona I show to people) .
According to my friends, I have pretty face too. Very angelic to see, but I also look shy and have innocent demeanour, and maybe that timidity keep guys away.
I was unsure how it happened, or how the ‘Mr Hyde’ in me started. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have split identity, it just certain darker side of me that I tried to repress. I was always a good girl to begin with. But, I remembered having some conflicts with my boss around end of last year.
Usually, a situation like this won’t triggered me, I didn’t have any ideas why I have no controled over it that time, and this feeling of ‘enough is enough’ kept haunting my mind.
I have no idea what I was angry at, but I remembered the feeling of taking revenge on everyone who hurt me (yea, like in the Joker movie).
So, I planned it in a calculative way on how I should undo anyone that I deemed doing me wrong (the way I always did, because of my tendency to people pleasing, I was very attuned to people characters and feelings).
Without realizing how destructive the behavior I played, I used every people weakness that I see for my own benefits (as I said, I am a quiet girl, I observed better than I speak, so I am more in tune with people characters, I just never thought of using such observations for my own good and manipulate thing) :
-I find the friends that I knew had the tendency of being emotional and spreading gossip. Being the saint me (never talked bad about others and all)
I got into emotional burst at them and exaggerated what happened between me and my boss, with the intention to let what’s happened spreading (I knew it will and it wasn’t from my mouth, so I kept my hand clean) and gained other people sympathy and ruined his reputation.
-I called back the contractor that tried to bribe me last time which I priorly rejected their proposal. I insisted they talked to my boss and for my boss to talk to them.
I know they would offered the same thing (the money) to him, and I wanna used that thing to get him fired. He did took the bribe unsurprisingly, just like what I thought he will.
-Then I proceeded to have conversation with another boss that I knew dislike him very much (my boss was kind of annoying and ill-tempered), hinting at him here and there what happened with the project.
Just like I wish, he look intrigued and kept prob**ing me with questions. I let him knew about the last time the contractor offered me money, but ended it with ‘please don’t let other people know, it is our secret’ thing.
-No sooner than that, an investigation was carried out by HR and my boss was found guilty and advised to resign. Not my doing, but still I played some role in his resignation.
-I took that opportunity when there was no boss around to show my big boss how good I was at doing my job. And got promoted to manager position at 28 using tactics only I knew.
And there were many more things I did, I can’t write the whole story either. But one of the terrible thing was, making my best friend, F, broke her engagement to her tunang. She was an instafamous, pretty and have a handsome and rich tunang. She was like the leader in our female gangs (in our uni time).
Everyone listened and admired her. She had a snobbish bend, always demeaned me with ‘dia kan orang kampung’, but made it sound like a joke. One thing about being in a group of pretty and glamorised girls, they were the nicest girl in front of you, but speak ill of you behind your back.
(What a fakery, but think again I was no exception). So, I knew everyone secrets because I was the only one who willing to listen.
And the fu*k thing was, they always had fun with one another while I was left to be their friends to listen to their problems and when they got in trouble. I don’t play Instagram anyway and I don’t follow fashion trend nor I like the spotlight.
She always made me listening to her bragging about how much most guys like her attentions. I thought she secretly like to torture his tunang to do unimaginable things in the name of romance. And at that split moment, I knew what I wanted, I wanted to hurt her and I wanted to take what was her.
-I tried to be extra nice to F by agreeing to whatever she said. And kindness had special place in everyone heart, especially for bad girl like her.
She started to let me joined the gang when they bersuka-ria and obviously they always brought their partners. I made sure I always at the right places when F tunang was around.
I didn’t spoke to him, but I thought he paid attention to me because I realised he kept glaring at me. You know when you’re in a room full of gedik girl and you behave like ustazah, with an air of softness, I know I gonna stand out because I was different.
-Because F always talked about her tunang, I made sure I analysed the situation first before I made my move.
His habits, what his childhood look like, his past relationships, his family, what he likes and dislikes, what he most desires etc, I learnt it all. F knew all about him, but she was never an understanding woman, she was an ignorant and always wanted thing her ways.
-2 weeks after that, her tunang started to talk to me, and it went from common conversations between 2 people to whatsapp to just going out between me and him only.
And I turned into penunggang agama here. I told him I involved in charity with mosque, and we have usrah too, and invited him if he wanted to join.
F always miscalculated his little tunang, she thought he will never be interested in benda-benda agama. But people sometimes lost purpose in life, and religion can bring it to them to find who they were isn’t?
Being religious can be seductive to many people especially if you show them you not prejudice and made them felt accepted.
-Guess what happened next? The tunang become a devoted muslim (until now), he and F broke up. He told me F is not a good calon isteri, confessed to me his feeling shortly after that, which I had to reject eventually.
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I cannot even count within these 6 months what else I did. I cut and offended friends, I flirted with many boys in the office until they got into physical arguments over me. I went out dating with different guys I know online for free meals and gifts. I was literally good girl gone bad.
Sometimes, I think I secretly knew of the unexpected tendency in my behaviour, like I have this ability to do things that i don’t normally do (flipping between being shy and naughty, playing the good and the devil etc like there were these contradictions inside me).
But it wasn’t consistent, not many times, maybe once or twice. It came in sudden outbursts, but I manage to controlled and concealed it. Now, the more I think about about myself, the more I’m scared of me.
Please, have anyone ever had this problem in their life? How do you confront your dark side? I don’t think suppress the evil feeling will do me good.
I guessed the sudden changing of behaviour pattern was because I kept hiding my emotions (envy, angry, frustration, feeling like nobody heard me etc) just for the sake of pleasing others and creating harmony. At last, I cannot contained it and I let the dark emotion creeping out in an ugly manner.
To be honest, I had observed this pattern before, and most occurrence happened among the friends of mine who attended mosque (like appear so modest, yet behind the back doing unimaginable thing).
But impel them to come clean about their hypocrite behaviour, and ask them for help is not my best option even if we share the same situation.
I really wish whatever devil that getting into me, it will go away. Please pray for my soul. I know whatever I am doing now, it’s gonna backfired me sooner or later.
If anyone have suggestions what to do, please let me know. Should I distracted the emotion by taking new hobbies so I can directed it to object rather than the nearest people around me?
Or if anyone had certain anger, what type of activity you did to unburden the feeling. That boxing or anything? Talking to new people? Or if you had similar experience, please share your thought.
Thank you so much.
– Esther Vilar (Bukan nama sebenar)
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