To begin with, i’ll be direct that my writing is written in english for multiple reasons. First to avoid makcik bawangs and people who think themselves as holier than others.
Second, this writing is somewhat illicit, but bear with me. I have some things I wish to tell but never grasp myself to do so.
Im a muslim born in Malaysia. Age 21 and working a part time job like young people of my age would do. Continued my studies and currently taking my degree.
Im already in a long term relationship with my partner of 6 years, and she’s also a muslim,
Both our parents have known of our relationship since our Sekolah menengah together (kenal gitu-gitu sahaja), and hopefully everything is eased out to make things halal.
Our family upbringings are both religious and I do hope to keep the belief within our upcoming generations to live a safe life for both dunia and akhirah.
Me and my gf had been together long enough that we’ve had our heart-to-heart session and being honest even about our darkest secrets.
She was sexually abused at the age of 11 from the hands of her cousin, (although not rape but it was a sexual experience).
Since then she got curious about her body capabilities. She started getting addicted to self-pleasuring herself at the age of 12.
While here i am being a hormonal young man whose learnt to watch porn at my teens and have somewhat i would call ‘weekly normal body refreshing session by myself’
Since then all our talks were about helping each other to fill in the emptiness of the opposite gender. Be it for the good or the bad. Yes, we have done so many times of the worst possible sin, zina.
Are we scared? Yes, if death comes to invite. But is there any choice if parents won’t allow an easy nikah, instead they demanded to have kenduri for both sides separately, as per both parents requested.
And her parents wont let her go until both of us worked together to each have our own car and at least bought a house under one of our names.
And are we okay living this way? I really don’t know. If i had to be honest about intimacy before marriage.
There are too much cases of married partners who aren’t doing well with their partner because they’ve never discussed this topic prior to marriage.
I know out there there are cases of married couples who one of them wants hours and multiple rounds but the other can’t fulfill that desire.
And i do know some married couples who can’t even say a word about this topic for it is a taboo especially after having children.
Me and my partner insyaAllah will be married in our late 20s just to fulfill our parents materialistic requests. But I have some fear at the back of my mind about ‘sebelum kawin dah seronok, lepas kawin hilang nikmat’.
Sometimes i just wish i could follow the teachings of islam but not get judged too harshly from muslims about messed up materialistic traditions and sometimes i just wish to give up being muslim and move another country to stop the fear.
I really have fear that after marriage some bad thing could happen anytime, like my girl falls incredibly sick and ill that i can only care for her but not have my biological needs fulfilled anymore.
Or maybe she died of an accident that could make me regret the sins we had.
We’ve talked this through a few times and her only reply was, we have no choice. I wouldnt deny that but shes also struggling with her suicidal thoughts from her pasts. And having our sessions together heals her pain in some way.
She taught me a valuable lesson, that everytime we sin, we both do more and more goods together. (kalau buat dosa tambah balik pahala).
So she invites me to join her ganti puasa, or join local masjid activity/events, especially during puasa month, join the masjid cook and clean together. Siap pakcik-pakcik masjid borak ‘nak kawin nnt jgn lupa jemput kenduri’.
During other months, she’ll remind me things like join solat jumaat, no matter how busy i am juggling study and work.
Both of us complete each other to the better but both of us are sinning, just because a simple nikah ‘nanti orang fikir bukan-bukan’ but waiting years and years until we can afford kenduri and a house pula is the ‘complete package of getting married’.
It’s sometimes a hurdle of ups and downs of our iman, sometimes she wishes to stop wearing her tudung because she feels hopeless.
I remind her of her good sides, like how she always ganti her solat if she missed them, (unlike me however my solat is about 3-4 times a day because i miss the ones i overslept.
(do pray one day im strong enough to complete my 5 daily solat). And sometimes i feel like i don’t want to follow parents request/wantings but just do nikah siam, but she would remind me that being an obedient child to our parents is also an obligation.
I swear by Allah, the God who All-sees and All-knows, parents who make nikah hard, opening the gates to zina easier.
Please give me strength, to hold tight to the rope of our Deen, be it continuing to have hopes in the future or to atleast give me bravery to talk to parents of this taboo topic,
Again and again like pujuk parents until they understand. But the pain of our first discussion was still fresh to my ego, and it pains me to feel like I can’t afford their princess.
I fear our sins but I also fear what our families would say to us. This has become too common between unmarried couples. even between my friends who are acting waaay more extreme like sharing their girl, doing drugs and much more.
Do pray for our iman to stay strong and hope this doesn’t have to happen to your family. Wallahu’alam.
– Zahir (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit