I tak tau apa yang I rasa sekarang. Blessed? Confused? Tired? Sad? Mungkin jugak at ease, tenang. I buat keputusan untuk break up with my ex-boyfriend after 7 years of ups and downs.
4 years into the relationship, I dapat rasa yang we wouldn’t make it till the end tapi I denied that feeling dan teruskan jugak despite the differences in our personality/needs.
Early last year, I nekad untuk putus. It was obvious that we both weren’t happy. What happened post-break up was a nightmare but everything was understandable given the grief.
Cuma, I couldn’t stop thinking, why it took me so long to realize that he wasn’t the right person for me? He didn’t even complement me.
Since I bukan jenis yang suka duduk dengan masalah, I signed up for counseling sessions hoping to understand myself better. And it worked.
I was surprised when the therapist said, “You susah nak lepaskan ex you sebab you craved for a male presence in your life since your dad passed away.
You sedar yang ex you tak sihat/elok untuk you sebab you tak nak rasa kehilangan the third time. First, when your parents got divorced. Second, when your dad died.”
That few sentences made me realize that this whole time I was living in the dark. Betul, I missed my dad. I missed that feeling of having a strong male figure in my life. I didn’t know it would translate into my relationship.
So I started to nurse myself and soul through a lot of prayers, perfect trust in god, books and talking to friends/families. Safe to say that I’m in a much better place than I was before.
However that doesn’t make the journey of finding a spouse easy for me. Having great self-awareness makes me more conscious and rational in choosing a partner.
I was still attracted to someone that felt familiar – had troubled childhood, suppressed emotions, afraid to get intimate. He was clearly avoidant but I was still drawn to his confidence.
Then, there was this healthy guy, very secure but I discerned his presence as I’m-not-attracted-to-him. He didn’t trigger any alarm, didn’t play games, communicated very effectively but I wasn’t used to that.
My mind misinterpreted the calmed attachment system as unattractiveness. I sedih remembering how he tried his best to convince me to be with him.
I tried to look for him everywhere, I know his full name, where he studied which was IIUM, but to no avail.
I think I’m mostly disappointed because I did istikharah constantly even until today and every clues led me to him but I still let him go.
My greatest counselor (read: my mom) said “takde jodoh la tu tapi amek la perkara ni sebagai iktibar” :’)
I hope Allah will provide me healing and abundance of His love as well as guidance in every step that I take and I hope Allah will grant those to you too!
I wish everyone who has the niat to get married soon akan dicepatkan jumpa jodoh dan dipermudahkan urusan.
– Whim (Bukan nama sebenar)
Hantar confession anda di sini -> https://iiumc.com/submit