Bismillah, after reading ‘Wanita Yang Pandai Menunggu’, I feel called to write this confession since I also have a decade worth of a story in which I cut it shortly. Here I am, writing this confession in order to ease these whole things to move out of my system because I’m cowardly enough to say it to the person that is once dear to me (I said ‘once’ with the hope that it’ll not change otherwise.. lol peace).
(Warning, it a damn long story, I really tried to cut it short and only reveal crucial points.)
I had known him for more than a decade. I’m not sure when did I felled in love with him but one thing for sure, I know him since we were 10 years old. One of the reasons that I expand my knowledge in English language was due to him. He speaks (typed) English very well back then when we first exchanging text messages (sms-ing). Thanks to him, now I’m a proficient English language user (self-proclaimed lol, forgive my broken grammar that’ll make English teacher crying because I’m still learning and this one is actually better than my Malay because I tend to use ‘bahasa rojak’ which I don’t want to).
Even though, I’m a natural detached person, getting heartbreak from a one-sided love still hurt like b*tch. I thought that we have something unspoken things between us. I thought that our feelings were synchronized pretty well.
Why? Why every time I just figured out my own feeling, it is just too late. The feeling was just like he send you down to hell after you just discovered heaven. If he never has any feelings towards me, means that I just overreacted in everything he did to me. You know, ‘perempuan kan cepat perasan’. I, myself, make it special. That is why I hate to think because I’ll over think in every single thing. Over-analyzing. This is the third occurrence lol means that, I did it again. I made those little things nice guys did to me as a special thing. Damn sickly nice guy. If he did, he did harbored a feeling towards me back then; clearly it is not there anymore. He channeled that feeling towards someone else now. He gives up on me. He gives up on me that didn’t look like someone that have feeling towards him. I didn’t play my part nicely like how ‘normal girl’ will react (self-proclaimed that self is far beyond the stereotype).
He was never supposed to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall that hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth. That is what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let go that little piece of sh*t called love.
Dear heart, why him? Why there is always a continuation when I like him? Why I can’t let it go? Why I have to fall in love over him again and again?
The first time that I realized that I like him, I have a feeling towards him was when I was 13 years old. Due to my curiosity (the curiosity since the first day that I know his name since 10 years old), I made a well-plan strategy to get his number. I got his number, I proposed him to become my friend. I can still remember what I typed back then; it was toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to reveal it. I pretty have a damn good memory over these kinds of nonsense things. We turned up to become text buddies yet never had any real conversation due to my attention span of a duck in the class. After that, I got transferred to a science school (I studied in an Islamic school). I didn’t brought my phone to the boarding school (still nerd lol), so I really missed home, my family, my best friends, and him (maybe due to the spurt of growth hormone or something, I think my feelings towards him was a bit different. I think maybe during that time, I finally discovered that I actually like him?) I send him a really special well-made text message only to return to my boarding school feeling crushed. No reply. I waited for the whole 2 weeks of my sem break in case he didn’t have any topup only to found out that he was getting gossiped with another top-scored girl after I left the school (well, that just might be the reason why since he was rumoured that he likes me which I don’t believe in any gossip anyway) I don’t trust the rumour but I trust that I feel comfortable talking (texting) with him. And the rumour could be true too whereby I just choose to believe that he likes that girl and he discard me so what I have to do is just discard him out of my memory.
I thought it was the end of this sh*tty story.
My assumption was wrong. Age, 15 years old, almost 16. He found his way back to me through my sh*tty best friend (she is still one of my besties lol). She gave my number to him and his number to me (oh, a new number, this could be the reason he didn’t reply my text message back then. Since I always remember nonsense things, I don’t bother to ask at all about this like does that matter, anyway) I don’t even intend to text him at all. But he did. Really smart, his sickly good nature end up making me liking him again. We became text buddies again. He transferred school to another Islamic school. This is where a point black has occurred between us. I don’t know anyone there that led to my current wild imagination. Then, I was getting crushed for the second time due to my growth hormone. That sickly nice guy, due to his busy-body, caring nature, I have a great plan to confess like anime bishoujo character already, how dare he said to me, ‘nombor sapa ni?’ Luckily I didn’t confessed any sh*t yet, save me a 1000 life-span, my pride as a girl, as a well composed human being. I gave him, ‘eh, sorry.. salah send’ (I asked him his birthday that time)
I thought it was the end of this sh*tty story again and just befriend him. He added me in facebook (the era where fb was really popular, friendster and myspace were a history already).
Nope, not yet. We went to study to overseas, happened to take the same major, same country but different university. Seriously, we didn’t planned this out. Let say, it was a fate to spice up my life.
This sickly nice guy really released his fully potential and super power where I can’t deny I am in love with him. Although I was in a state of denial when I discovered a weird virus entered my system, this ‘love’ is like a virus to me; it hijacked every operating system that can make me functioning, he happened to appear really dependable, creepily sweet and playfully endure all of my sarcasms (there is no difference when I’m being sarcastic towards those that I comfortable with or towards those that annoy me).
I was in a state of denial and then I learned the word ‘ikhtilat’.
I dig up the meaning of ‘ikhtilat’ until I’m really sure what does it mean and what I have to do with it. I have to make sure that I did it the right way. I’m giving dakwah in my own way and to beautify it, I need to follow the basic guidelines. Avoid ikhtilat. Only talk with the opposite gender when it is absolutely necessary. I don’t have any problem at all with other guys but when it come to talk (text) him, I just happened to forget about it and talk to him comfortably like I talk to a girl.
After I accepted my own feeling towards him yet I don’t want to confess (either by myself or through the third person) since I’m not ready yet of what the future might fall upon me (but deep down, I might just psychologically fear rejection). Moreover, I’m not in a stable condition during that time (unnoticed minor depression warning). After I gather up my courage and find the best timing, I asked him to mind a barrier between us and do not contact me unless it is necessary. He said ‘oh, ok’ and we didn’t contact with each other for about a year. I was battling with my hidden depression within that year and came back home to seek professional diagnose (self-diagnose since I was a medical student-and no living things know about it, now you guys know, haha..surprised) yet untreated since I was called back to sit for a re-sit exam. Since we were living in the same hometown and he went back home every final sem break, I happened to meet him in our old school for the ‘Hari Raya’s open house’.
I thought I was finally moved on from that virus since I have a lot of stuff to deal with. Thanks to him that was respecting my selfish demand, I just leave our love story to the faith. I love him but I can’t tell him and I can’t even show him due to my unstable condition.
After I leave it to the faith, soon after the meeting from the old school, I happened to need his help that winter night where we met in front of masjid (I don’t know who to contact, I was alone and he was willing to help too, I was planning to just go to my destination alone if he happened to be busy). Once again, I made this occurrence a special day for me because one of my dream is to meet my ‘jodoh’ in front of masjid lol. I shouldn’t have done that. I was too independent to a fault but by knowing him, I realized that I still have the hope to become a woman too where I can rely on someone other than myself. He is really reliable, I love him and I really don’t know how to show it because I always fight with my own rational that he is just a sickly nice guy, if only I can act more girly (I might distinguish whether he is a sickly nice guy or he really treat me specially) but it always come out the other way around. I found a glimpse of hope during that meeting that he might like me. I was terribly happy with that last reaction during winter night, even though I don’t show it and it happened to be my last winter there.
It’s comical where it appear like a hidden ‘hi’ the first winter we met during our first year and I waved you a hidden ‘goodbye’ the last summer I spend there with you (clearly I ignore the presence of other human beings that present in the same scenes lol). And here I am, ‘syok sendiri’, damn it.
I kissed my depression away and be damned with everything that hold me down. For the first time in my life, I made up my choice, listen to my own need, be selfish, I don’t care what everyone gonna say to me. Every system and organs inside me were crying for help because I didn’t take good care of it. Be damned with the hormones that racked my life. Why you have to be in the borderline where I just appear normal on blood test? Well, since this will lead to another theme, I’ll just continue with my main theme lol..
I lived extremely well after that dark era passed. I pursue the study of human mental process and behaviour so that I could prevent another youth just like me. I focused solely on studying basics and reconstruct my shrinking brain. Poor brain, I abused you till I can’t even remember what the prime numbers are anymore.
I missed us and did that stupid sh*tty mistake. I accidentally video called him through whatsapp. I was hysterically screaming while covering my face with my fluffy pillow during that time. You stupid hands, why you have to lose your grip during that crucial time then mistakenly pressed that call?
If that didn’t happened, he will never dare to have the idea to text me. I’ll never ever have the chance to hear that special whatsapp ringtone that I set up so that I know the text is coming from him. I’ll never ever have build up my expectations towards his actions. I’ll never ever retrieve back that virus I wish to decay in my memory. I’ll never ever have to deal with this feeling of one-sided love.
(T_T)
We were good, I’m just happy the way we are. I plan out everything already. The time will come; I just have to finish my foundation year first then I’ll be ready to the next stage for this unknown connection (at least in my own perspective).
But, he ruined everything, I’m the one that let myself to be ruined and one of the side effects was my dropped pointer (lol most of the factors were due to my stupid thyroid hormones.. haha.. but the stress did exaggerated the symptoms.. sigh~). It was my last sem in foundation, I just want to scroll the fb, I just want to know what happened at the outside world, then thanks to you finally I learned the feeling of jealousy. I might be a silent yandere too.
It was a new facebook functions, you can give a different kind of reactions. I always doubt that he is just a sickly nice guy right? He treated me this way kindly, funnily, who knows he might do the same towards his other female friends. You can’t just trust his outer appearance, really nice, not that talkative towards female acquaintances, the way he texted you might just be the same towards other girls. You are not that special. Basically, I always have this doubt. By having this thought, then behave oppositely the way that I feel towards him, my friend called me cruel. Yeah, I might be cruel, but be damned with it where the uncertainty percentage is really high.
Every single post of that unknown girl has his reactions. She is someone that I don’t know. Why? All that I know is that she is someone that he knows from his high school (transferred). I can’t dig up more to prevent my wild imagination. And I went wild with my emotions. I cursed him (read-maki hamun), I feel so stupid, so sad, I feel really disappointed with myself, I can’t even put the blame on him since he knows nothing about my feeling (I hid it pretty well right? Lol, serve me right, dang..). I thought there is something special in between us, I thought my red string was connected to him (you know that ‘akai-ito’), I was wrong; it was all just my imagination. I self-proclaimed this is what heartbroken looks like right?
I feel some pain; I called this Gaara’s symtoms. It is invisible somehow and I can’t cry normally because I really have a clinically dried eyes. I feel this unexplainable pain, when combined with those crazy hormones; it heightened my hand tremors, shaking vigorously, after my spiritual heart feels the pains, the pains channeled mysteriously to my stomach. I have an explainable pain in my stomach. I want to cry a river, but I just don’t have enough tears to even make a tiny little drop out of my eyes.
People always claimed that time heal everything. I’m still on that phase-move on process. My primary school friends always labelled me as a ‘no feeling’ person. Dear me, you do have a heart. God knows how hard it is for me to acknowledge emotions, especially in myself. But I have to in order to accept what kind of virus it is. To youths that have the same struggle like me, don’t be mad at yourself for letting someone in. Just acknowledge what you are feeling. Even though i mad at him, but I can’t blame him 100% because I think 90% of it is due to my own fault too..haha) That’s all, adios.. (after venting (typing) it out, I feel somehow relieved a bit, pray for my well-being)
– -ley
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