Tak tau mana nak start. Pernah rasa so helpless? Even Tuhan tak tolong kau? Pernah rasa dalam hati kau deep down rasa macam kena remuk and mentally kau boleh rasa dia remuk macam orang tekan or genggam picit like that? Kau ada keluarga yang besar tapi rasa kau sorang yang rasa macam ni?
Seriously I dont know where to start. Kau belajar tinggi tapi tak boleh nak tolong keluarga kau? Saudara mara even your family push you so hard to get a better job in order to help them back and help them to survive? Aku tak tau apa aku rasa. You try to explain everything to people but it still wont go away. You try to talk to God regarding this but it still wont go away? How many years do I have to wait anymore? I just don’t want to worry anymore. I hope and wait too much even to my dear Allah but it still wont go away. Sometimes I feel things so deeply and give so much, in the end it leaves me empty?
My mom is sick and Im scared. Sakit macam mana? Sakit yang tak dapat bezakan which is reality and which is not. Tak makan tak tidur. Nangis all the time. My family needs money so so much. My salary is too low, how to help them? Adik2 aku still growing and need stuffs. My family and I just moved out to a new house, rumah pusaka nenek so that tak payah bayar sewa rumah lagi. Pindah tempat baru rupanya lagi susahkan kitorang. Banyak masalah aku malas nak list out kan.
Pergi kerja lupa sekejap masalah. Balik kerja tengok muka adik2, I cant even pandang muka diorang. I dont know how to feel. Balik rumah duduk ruang tamu, mengelamun termenung. Termenung kosong. Aku tak pikir apa2 pon weh. Just termenung. I want to crush things, anything. I want this to end right now!! Aku tak nak fikir apa2. It hurts me. Life sucks sucks sucks. Why do I even exist? Kalau aku mati, what will happen to my family? My future? My future is dead already. I dont have future since I didnt plan for that. I dont like planning for my future since benda tu takkan terjadi pon. I cursed so badly now. Kalau mati, it is not the end of my pain and everything since I will be punish for all my sins
I dont talk to my friends anymore. I dont talk to my mom and dad anymore. I dont talk to my siblings anymore. Everytime jumpa strangers outside I tend to insult them because they deserved that. I hate people. They disgust me. I want to get away from them. Bullshit. Life is bullshit. Even my family, everyone is just so annoying. It makes me sick the way people are. I dont like being alone but now I do. But I dont like it neither since I will cry like h*** when Im alone. Tapi nangis best sometimes. Malam2 nak tidur aku termenung sampai tertidur for every night I tell you
2 bulan aku tak sembahyang. 2 bulan aku stop doa. Kalau aku bunuh diri kaw kaw aku kena seksa nanti. And it is no fun. Susah tahan air mata depan orang weh ni betul aku tak tipu. Aku tengah borak2 biasa ni suara tiba2 jadi lain sebab tahan nangis. Borak cerita lain dalam otak aku yang messy ni fikir benda lain. Tiba2 nangis in public for sure selalu aku rasa. Takda benda yang aku reka sekarang sebab semua benda ni is happening. So NOW Im stuck in the middle between life and death and that is no fun
– Anonymous
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